Fun Dining – My night on Come Dine With Me

Come Dine With Me was a chance to bring all my hosting skills to bear. I was taught that the goal of having people in your house is to make them feel at home. That's what my night was all about - sharing a piece of me and letting people unwind. And hopefully my home cooking and heaped plates of food could win me the grand.

Come Dine With Us!!

Hosting versus Hospitality

I’ve eaten at Michelin Star restaurants. I enjoy a good 7 course taster menu. I know which cutlery to use when and the difference between a red and white wine glass. But, just because I’ve been to those restaurants doesn’t mean I can do what they do! (For one thing I don’t own the crockery - thanks Aisling who lent me some forks!)

Growing up in a Black American church, you learn that food is ministry. Food is community. Food is love. When someone is sick or loses a family member, you bring them food. As a kid, everyone who came into our house was offered food. Kids in my neighbourhood knew my mom as the lady who gave out ice pops to anyone on hot days. It’s how I learned to communicate the important ideals of togetherness and care. 

Christmas a la Dozier

Dinner parties were a communal affair – pot lucks. Everyone brings a really BIG dish of their favourite foods. And every family had a specialty. When I think of family meals I think of Sonia’s pulled pork, my dad’s dinner rolls and banana pudding, mom’s mac and cheese and greens, Miss Kay’s hot wings, and countless other ‘family specials’. Everyone gets a paper plate and cutlery and helps themselves. Then you stand around and talk and laugh and be together.

But, as a kid, I hated dinner parties. Crowded houses with loud conversation and carry on was overwhelming and made me want to hide in my bedroom. It wasn’t until I went to university and met my best friend that I learned the finer art of hosting.

Being a host

Hosting is hard work! And thankfully I learned it from my best friend, Ryan (she's the one who I have a tattoo of over my heart). As a dynamic duo hosting was easy. Ryan was front of house. She had the charm, refinement and social grace to cope with looking after every individual. I was back of house. I made sure everyone was enjoying music, made sure cups were full, and when the noise and chaos of the party got too much I had an excuse to duck into the back to refill the chip bowl.

Ryan (centre) hosting our last college dinner

But, the best thing I learned was this: in the middle of all the chaos and craziness find a moment to take a step back and listen. Are people laughing and having fun? Parties are about the people who are there, not about who couldn't make it. Parties are about making sure everyone's enjoying themselves. If that happens, you’ve been successful. To do that, sometimes you have make the effort and push yourself out of your comfort zone – that’s what being a host is. And that’s why I did Come Dine With Me.

I’ve also learned from my Scottish family that you can’t do everything all the time. Burdening yourself to be everything to everyone at all times over the course of the night means you, as a host, aren’t having fun. And your guests will notice it. So, when in doubt, get them a drink. It will tide people over while you take a break! Or, if they don’t drink, a snack or some entertainment.

Either way, above all, make everyone feel included.  

My food

how my food usually looks

On my Come Dine With Me night I went for home foods. Comfort food. Did I know it was risky to go for non-traditional British ‘dinner party food’? Yes. But, I cooked what I love to share that love with my guests. Salmon cakes are the one thing I always ask my mom to make when I go home. Mac and cheese is eaten at every big family meal. Once a former colleague told me my family’s macaroni and cheese tradition would be seen as common in Britain. But, I'm proud of where I come from. So, if someone thinks it's 'improper', well they can find somewhere else to eat.

I’ve learned I can’t go wrong being myself. I wanted to show four new people me and what my version of hospitality and hosting are. If the food itself isn’t to everyone’s tastes I hoped that my approach to opening my home would.

As it was a competition I avoided just piling food on the plate. Making Japanese rice balls is the closest I get to fancy and even my presentation of them is often... deconstructed (lazy). So, for Come Dine I tried to elevate my home cooking in a way that at least showed effort. I made sure all ingredients were fresh and quality and I made a pedestrian attempt at ‘nice’ plating. I also made more reductions and purees than I ever have… or ever will again! Maybe it all still looked a mess. But, hey, I tried!

What a dinner party is to me

One of my fav Saturday dinner parties

Dinner parties these days are friends and laughter and being full. It’s dinner with Paul and Caroline watching 10-month-old Rory cram strawberries into his mouth. It’s hanging out with Billy and helping his 8-year-old son make tacos and a cheesecake. It’s hanging out with Alex and Sara making cookies and crafts or Christmas dinner with my pals. My boyfriend is even my sous chef and front of house for those times I still get overwhelmed.  

I'll be honest, seeing the level of fine dining that others were expecting didn't intimidate me. It was a relief. I was never going to be able to do that. Sure I could put out the forks and glasses properly. But my ethos was never about that. I was going to do the best version of me. 

My night came off well enough and the only thing I regret is that the combination of nerves and paying attention to plating I lost sight of some of the finer details like:

• I forgot to ask people how they were enjoying things.
• I forgot to offer the less-American alternatives I prepared if there was something they didn’t like
• I bought a new salt cellar but forgot to put it on the table
• I accidentally mislaid one of my place settings and Sod’s Law it was Bruce’s place which I accidentally set improperly!!

A casual place (setting) for everything

However, my favourite parts of the night were the in between times. My happiest were:

• Sharing my writing and art
• Opening up to the group about my experiences with anxiety and depression
• The joy I felt after two hours visiting every card and gift shop to find the perfect cards for my guests. Then seeing their faces and knowing I got it right
• Hearing everyone laughing and enjoying themselves
• Not having a panic attack
• Walking into a room full of people with their faces covered in glitter

For me, the glitter moment was my moment of zen. I realised that I’d done my job as a host and lived up to the standards of the people I care about. Despite some little details, I did good (and I mean 'good' not 'well'). And, I had a lot of fun doing it too.

-- Harry Dozier, Edinburgh

The Gay Question - Come Dine With Me

I was on the gayest Come Dine With Me ever!

No time to be shy. 10s across the board!

As a Black gay man in a predominantly white heterosexual country I was a little bit nervous about going on Come Dine With Me. Reality TV is designed to put people of differing opinions together in a confined stressful situation. I was almost certain that one of my two 'differences' were going to be a plot point. And, let's face it, there's always one gay guy who either plays the role of the villain or the puppy in these things. I wasn't happy to be either. So when I realised all of the men in my group were gay, it meant that I could relax my guard around those issues. And it opened a whole other can of worms!

First contact

"Just knock on the door, say hello, and walk in."

The door swung open and inside stood James. He had all the height and warmth of Hagrid but was better groomed and impeccably dressed in a floral print shirt and kilt. I relaxed a little. I could instantly tell from the bright colours of his home (and shirt) that I was in the presence of another arty person. I also thought I recognised him. Possibly from the 'scene'. But, I definitely knew his face from a 'gay context'. I wasn't sure what. But it didn't matter. I was in a gay-safe space.

"Come through," James said, ushering me into the flat.

Stop. Do it again for the cameras. Look more surprised (and less nervous). The production team took over and after a moment I was shown to our holding cell... I mean green room... I mean the living room.

As I rounded the corner I was bedazzled by a vision of a man shimmering from head to toe. I noticed the gold jacket first and I thought, "Phew! I was worried my tie was going to be too bright!" The man inside the jacket, Bruce, was crowned with platinum blonde hair, and the glimmer from his diamond earring and ring were like crack for my ADD brain. Bruce announced his presence with his wardrobe.

Boys on film

We instantly introduced ourselves. But that was the wrong thing to do because it wasn't on camera. We introduced ourselves three more times for the camera. James handed me a margarita which I started drinking before I was meant to. And then the production team left to set up the next guest's arrival.

We three eyed each other up warily. We were three gay men... alone in a room... on reality tv. What were they planning?

Reading rainbow

I was secretly relieved, standing there in my bow tie and round specs. I was not the only gay in the village. And, next to James and Bruce in their fabulous outfits I was practically wallpaper (I wasn't really, but I have to add a bit of drama for affect).

As I'm wont to do, I tried to fill the silence with inane chatter and made some comment about tequila being my dance on tables juice.

We were then told not to talk too much. Save it for the cameras.

So, the point of commonality between the three men was never actually mentioned and hung between us like stagnant water. We poured alcohol and food over the question and the introductions rolled on. We met Aisling and Katy and other bits of unknown creeped into the growing trepidation. The 'gay' question became irrelevant as we got down to the more pressing matters of who didn't like cheese, how long things were going to take, and who would snap first under Henrietta's guantanimo style questioning.

 

beginning of the night

Finally, mid-week, after the familiarity of libations loosened our lips, the gay question came up.

end of the night

3 fairies, a witch and a leprechaun walk into a bar

"Did you get three gay guys on purpose?" we asked the production team off camera. By this time, we'd all talked about our husbands and boyfriends. So, it was no secret (not that it could have been if we tried).

"It came up once in pre-production. But, you were all the best group and someone pointed out it wouldn't be an issue if you were all straight men," one of the production team said.

But, we were in fact the first Come Dine where all the men were openly gay men. And, let's be honest, from our personalities, it was clear they were hoping for fireworks. However, we were less like cats in a bag and more like Alvin and the Chipmunks - three very different guys who got along and happened to be gay.

FYI: Bruce = Alvin, the trendy, flashy one. James = Theodore, the quiet, kind, loveable one. Me = Simon, the slightly over serious, responsible one.

And, despite the potential for high drama among the boys, we had two incredibly amazing ladies with big personalities. They weren't there to be the supporting cast to our gay shenanigans. The casting crew got it right. What ever potential for ire and 'oh no she betta don'ts' melted away under the fun of a group who genuinely wanted to get along... and win £1000.

Proud

When too many people of any gender and sexual preference are in a room together there's going to be an element of competition. For attention, for alpha status, for whatever. Let's face it we're biolgical monsters that way. Add in an actual competition... watch out! Come Dine With Me isn't just about food. It's about charm and getting people to like you, and having fun. So, it was a bit dubious when I found out that of the 5 contestants, the 3 men were gay. I could imagine the teeth grinding awkwardeness (and glitter) that the producers were probably hoping for - the kind of infamous disasters that reality TV dynasties are built on.

Yes, there was tension. But, I'm so proud of how well we got on despite our different views. We didn't set out to make a point. But, all three of us are reasonable men who happen to be gay. And we had two fabulous ladies keeping us right.

And, more than that, the 'gay question' wasn't a question. We were judged, as Dr Martin Luther King Jr so dreamed, "on the content of our character". We're living in an amazing time of growing acceptance for the LGBT community (amidst some of the more worrying far-right sentiments on the rise). And it was nice to see all us of showing that acceptance on so many levels.

When glitter goes wrong

This was not a Come Dine With Me that would have happened five years ago. It wasn't TV that would have happened at all. At best, there was only room for a Will and a Jack. So, one of us would have had to go. It was refreshing and exciting to think that, at some point, the casting crew on a national network saw past the obvious 'gag' of having a token gay guy. Or making it some sort of 'Queer as Folk' homage.

We painted with all colours of the rainbow

Our sexual orientation was never brought up on camera - the gay question wasn't a plot point. We did joke about it privately - we came to refer to Katy as our fairy god mother, her three fairies and her leprechaun (Aisling being Irish). However, we weren't a gimmick - the all gay male Come Dine With Me. We talked about our hopes and fears and hobbies and quirks, and obviously our food! We are, all five of us, interesting characters, different colourful strands of an amazing tapestry of odd human behaviour. And by jove, we all just so happened to like guys. Big deal!

I thank Aisling, Katy, James and Bruce for being so supportive and wonderful. They made the experience the fun I hoped it would be. I was lucky to have the added bonus of being on a Come Dine With Me first. I felt the weight and wonder of that first, and I think it will surprise, and hopefully encourage, people. Three gay men at a dinner party isn't a sideshow. We're just people who're willing to embarass ourselves on TV to win a £1000, just like every other weirdo.

-- Harry Dozier, Edinburgh

TV Magic - Lessons from Come Dine with Me

Lights! Camera! Action!

We had a mantra - 'This is not a dinner party. This is TV'

I had the pleasure, privelege and trauma of being on Come Dine With Me in Edinburgh in 2018. I've thrown dinner parties for large groups. I've been on Holywood film sets. So I thought I had this in the bag. But, the mental pressure and hard work that goes into making reality TV is soooooo different than what I was expecting.

Here’s what I found out from my fun foray into the world of reality TV.

**No spoilers! So I won’t be dishing about who won. But if you’re all about the TV magic and suspension of disbelief, stop!**

Laugh. Rinse. Repeat.

This is not a dinner party. It's a film set.

There is a lot of silent eating. There is lots of pausing mid spoonful to get a close up. You will develop a weird complex about how you put food in your mouth. You will get annoyed and strung out because you’re essentially being experimented on while you eat.

There's a lot of delirium.

There's lots of sitting around.

Unlike some other high pressure reality competitions, on Come Dine there’s a lot of off time together off camera. And, what happens off camera stays off camera. So, if there’s beef, you might not see it on air. But you still drag all those feelings and thoughts in front of the lens.

Also, in the down time there were certain things you weren’t allowed to ‘reveal’ about yourself until your night. Jobs. Where you live. Hobbies and interests. They want to see how people react. So, at the beginning that added extra strain to eating with five strangers.

There is a lot of repeating yourself. All of the reactions you see on camera are genuine. But, what gets to the telly is probably the fourth time you’ve said it because the first time the camera was looking somewhere else when you made the silly interjection or someone looked at the camera. Sometimes this added to the hilarity. Sometimes it made you want to throw a fork at Dave.

Ulterior motives

This is not a dinner party.

My face the whole time I was cooking

If you go into a competition like this with a killer instinct you’ll go wrong. There’s no expert panel of judges. There’s no amount of training that gets you top marks. They’ve deliberately picked people who hate your food. So, winning is partly to do with getting along with people.

My group gelled because, I think, we were all in it for the experience. Yes, we wanted to win. But, when that’s the only agenda it’s hard to relax and laugh at some of the more ridiculous aspects of asking five strangers to cook for each other… on TV.

What I wanted from the experience was three fold.

1. I’m a writer and it’s a unique experience I could write about.
2. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I wanted to challenge myself. If I could make it through the week without totally losing my s**t it’s a win!
3. £1000 would pay for my trip to my friend’s wedding in America and to see my family.

My group were all in it for different aspects of what the experience could bring. It meant when something didn’t go as planned it wasn’t too big of a deal. We were after something else. And I think we found it.

God bless the production crew

This is not a dinner party.

Be nice to your crew. Look after them and they will look after you. ‘Cause, you know, that’s how people work in general.

We had a great production team. It’s not their job to be chipper and personable. Some of them weren’t. Most of them were. Either way, all of them were 24/7 professionals with long days and lots of work to do. The edges frayed at times for all the contestants and the crew kept us together.

They are a HUGE part of the experience. They cracked us up at times. They parented us when we were misbehaving. They were kind when we needed understanding.

I personally appreciated how encouraging they were. Someone smiling at you and saying ‘great job’ makes a difference when you’re overwhelmed and freaking out about the texture of your strawberry coulis.

It's a performance

This is not a dinner party.

Ready for my close up

It’s a performance. I did things that I probably wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t being filmed.

Artistic plating of food can go f**k itself. And I now own more ramekins then I ever wanted!

I’m not someone who’s ‘always on’. As a writer I spend a lot of time in my head. But, thankfully the crew and other contestants helped me keep it in perspective. You’ve only got to be ‘on’ when the cameras are on. The rest of the time you can fold yourself inward like a paranoid transformer - Introvert-a-tron, roll out!.

And if ‘you’ is someone who is kind and decent and fun, you’ll be fine.

Other tidbits

If you’re funny about people touching you, you will hate this. Fortunately our sound guy had the gentle caress of a new lover and that made it delightful. ;-)

You’re guaranteed to be served food you don’t like. It’s embarrassing and in real life you might choke it down to be polite. It’s a relief that they want to see you NOT eat something you hate. It’s part of the show. Enjoy the break from decorum.

The time eating is less than you’d think. There will be lots of time to chill and drink. So beware the bottle because: Bored + tired + alcohol + people telling you what to do = grumpy times. The crew are good about reminding you of this because they don’t want to work with drunken idiots. Listen to them.

Talk to your friends. If you become friends with your group, awesome. But, you still need reality checks. An intense week can mean the little things become big things. It doesn’t really matter though.

And remember, this is not a dinner party!

-- Harry Dozier, Edinburgh

Being real on reality TV - Come Dine with Me

I had a dream that Dave Lamb sat on the edge of my bed and whispered in my ear, "Your makeup is terrible." I looked up and he transformed into RuPaul, laughing that maniacal beautifully toothed laugh. I looked around and I was in a line up between Bob the Drag Queen, Sasha Velour, Bianca Del Rio, Trixie Mattel, and Kim Chi. They were all in full glamourous drag and I was in nothing but my underpants, love handles melting over the tight elastic band like a candle left out in the sun.

I was going to be on reality TV.

No, not Rupaul's Drag Race. I was a contestant on Channel 4's Come Dine with Me in Edinburgh.

We all have an idea of who we are. Even the most cynical misanthrope has an image they believe they project to the world. But reality TV, no matter how intense, definitely plays with your sense of self image. That short-long week taught me something about who I am and how I think I show that to the world.

I hope I got some of it right. One or two (or maybe more) things I'd do differently if I could. But, here’s what I learned about being ‘real’ on TV.

**No spoilers! So I won’t be dishing about fellow contestants or who won. But if you’re all about the TV magic and suspension of disbelief, stop!**

Who is she?

On the first night, we eyed each other up wondering: Am I the villain? Am I the clown? Am I the show stealing attention monster?

A friend who works in production gave me some great advice: Ask them who they think you are.

When I asked the production team I was told what parts of my personality “popped” for them. We talked about what things they wanted to highlight and we had a good chat about what things I wanted to show off. There were things that they thought were “fun” that I didn’t feel comfortable being my first impression.

What came from the conversation was an appreciation of what they needed. And it let me be comfortable with the gags and silly things that they wanted to do or ask. I was in on the joke. My friends and family will get the joke when they see it too. And people who don’t know me will see a side of me that I’m comfortable with.

As the week went on I asked the director how I was coming across now that things were going.

Director: What comes through is that you’re a bit goofy and like to laugh. You also have a bit of a naughty sense of humour.

Me: I’m cool with that.

Director: Great! Now put your face in that bowl and lick it like a thousand pounds is at stake!

Me: *slurp*

The 'Bitch Take'

"They edited me to look bad. I'm really not a bitchy person!"

I get it. It's high pressure. You're tired. Probably a little drunk and hungover at the same time as well. If you have a verbal rapier in your arsenal it will probably come out. But remember to stop!

The bottom line is if you’re a bit of a salty queen and you say something nasty, they will probably use it. Own it.

Yes, maybe it’s out of context. But if you’re slagging off someone’s outfit and they cut off how you qualified the comment, maybe you shouldn’t have said it.

My general rule of thumb is never say something behind someone’s back that you won’t say to their face.

Come Dine with Me is probably on the lower end of the pressured filming spectrum. And I was soooooo lucky to have been on the show with such a good group. But the greatest thing was we were honest with each other about what we thought (I hope). That made the fear of ‘how I’ll look’ a lot less dangerous.

I was super hungover and exhausted after my night

There's probably only one moment where I let myself down on that front... but you'll have to see for yourself.

What am I so afraid of?

Passive aggression is the natural language of my people. When I'm tired, stressed and feel threatened or sad I retreat and plot my cold revenge.


I was afraid of coming across as grumpy or petty – real life insecurities that I was terrified would become part of my 'reality' TV experience.

By midweek I was tired and morose. My mental guards cracked and I started to feel boring because here were four other super interesting people showing off their sparkling personalities. This is when the angry whispering voice in my head starts telling me I’m shit and I become insecure and turn into said above salty queen.


What helped me keep it at bay (I hope) was:

• the other contestants – we laughed so freaking much. It’s a lesson I’ve learned over and over in life. When I’m feeling down I need to see friends and laugh and recharge and remind myself that grumpy Harry is just the tiredness. Not who I am.
• the crew – I was open with both the other contestants and crew about my own issues with mental ill health. They gave me space to be tired and cheered me on. And helped remind me the whole thing was just a bit of fun. So I should enjoy it.

Also, on my night I legit hid in my room for like 10 minutes in just my pants, remembering my breathing and mindfulness techniques, while I was supposed to be ‘getting ready’. Production be damned. If you can't love yourself, right?

Stop! Listen. Think. Speak.

You can’t totally ‘control’ how you come off in the end. The producers have to make entertaining TV. But you can make sure that the raw material they have to work with is genuinely you.

The production team asks you to stop all the time so they can retake shots to look good. There’s no reason you can’t do the same thing when they ask you a question.

Stop. Listen. Stop. Think. Stop. Speak.

Liar liar

Don’t lie! If your host asks you what you think. Be honest. If you lie and then give your honest opinion in your interview you will look like a psychopath. Also, the other contestants aren’t stupid. You’ve been put together because you have differing tastes. Lying just shows you up to be crazy and a ‘game player’.

No means no

If you don't feel comfortable saying something on camera, just say so. We were all more extreme versions of ourselves to get cast. We threw out opinions left and right to be the people we needed to be to make interesting TV. But, the other half of reality TV is reality.

On night one someone shared opinions that I wholly disagreed with. In interviews I was asked to make a judgement about that person’s statement. After several minutes of dancing around saying “I think they’re judgemental” I finally said “I’m not going to say that.”

My values mean I don’t judge people off one interaction. But I was afraid that I would somehow fail if I wasn’t outrageous. However, there is nowhere in the contract that says you have to say things you don’t want.

The production team are there to help steer you. But they can't do that unless you tell them where your boundaries are.

Have fun

It’s all a bit of a laugh. You might have to come out of yourself a bit, but you’ve been picked for your opinions and personality. If it doesn’t go against your values give it a shot. Make suggestions. Try new things. Work with the production team to get the most out of it. You’re there to entertain as well as have fun.

And fun it was! Let's hope it stays that way once I see the show!!

Oh and, when in doubt, add....

GLITTER

Why I can't watch English rugby

English rugby fans are known for singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" as one of their 'victory' songs. But, as a Black American and rugby supporter, I just can't stomach the sound of it. When I hear it I recoil in the same way as when people have hurled racial abuse at me on the bus.

The Fisk Singers were the first to perform "Swing Low"

I've felt this way about the song for a long time but hadn't been able to articulate why it incensced me so much. Then I read a great article about 'Spirituals are the songs of slavery - here's why it's important who sings them' and it helped me crystalise my ideas on the subject and why.

What is "Swing Low"?

Elijah getting raptured like a boss

Swing Low Sweet Chariot is an African-American spiritual based on the biblical story of Elijah.
"2 Kings 2:11 - And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." Then he dropped his mantle back down to Elisha - the first mic drop of history

The song is believed to have been originally sung by Wallace Willis when he was still a slave and transcribed for the the Fisk Jubilee Singers. The group then brought the song, as well as some of Willis' other songs, to prominence. As with many spirituals, Willis' songs were likely learned while at church or working in the fields. 

Why slaves sang

Slaves weren't allowed to congregate outside of church on Sunday. In fact, when African slaves were first brought to America they were deliberately split up from people who spoke the same language so that they couldn't communicate or remember practices and traditions from their homeland. Children of slaves were often taken from their parents and sold as well.

However, songs and melodies transcended this lack of common background and music soon developed as a way of communicating, and new aural traditions were born. Singing not only helped pass the time while enduring inhuman work conditions, it allowed them to communicate feelings, beliefs, and later pass on secret messages. 

Better off dead

"Swing Low Sweet Chariot" is a song about belief in the after life and deliverance from the horrors of slavery. It exclaims "I looked over Jordan and what did I see? A band of angels coming after me (coming for to a carry me home)." The song, as in many spirituals, is about the unshakeable belief in a better after life. It's a plea to be taken "home" to heaven - a plea for death.

Spirituals are songs charged with history. My enslaved ancestors' dichotomous spirit of defiance and despair; hope and hopelessness still shakes me to my core. To know that they still had hope despite the horrific conditions they lived under shows a fortitude of character and spirit that I don't think most of us could muster today.

Most spirituals have a common thread of the after life being a promise of something better - a reward for the pain suffered in life. It's pretty grim, but impressive that they managed to stay alive (and sane) through it.

So what's my beef with English rugby

It's not that 'other people' can't sing the song. But, it should be sung with the understanding of what it means and in tribute to the people who created it. It's not a rugby chant for a bit of levity to be sung by a bunch of people who's ancestors were responsible for people needing to create the song in the first place. It'd be like the ex who cheated on you reading your mournful break up poetry as a toast to their new bride.

Better yet, imagine your mopey teen daughter singing "soon I will be done with the troubles of the world" - another actual spiritual. You'd be pretty worried wouldn't you? Then if she actually died, imagine they start singing the song down the pub as part of a drinking game?

A song that encompasses the hope and horror of slavery, a period in history who's affects are still being felt in our culture, can't really be divorced from the context because a bunch of people want it to.

Conversation with actual English rugby fan
"We're proud of our song," - It's not your song.
"It's not about slavery," - Oh yes it is.
"But that's not what we're singing about," - My point exactly
"It's just a song," - Yeah? And a hijab is technically just a piece of cloth. But y'all are still mad about people trying to wear them. Other people's culture is either meaningful or not. You can't have it both ways?
"But we started singing it to celebrate a black guy who scored tries," - What the actual f**k? (seriously, look up Chris Oti). That kind of makes it worse.

Apparently, the Oti thing is only part of the story. It's reported that a group of fans from Market Bosworth in England helped kick it off in 1988 and it's stuck ever since.

"No body really knew what it was or where it came from. It just sort of became the anthem for the supporters of the England team." Well, I do know where it came from and it's not about your team "being under the cosh".

I'm not saying there's ever been any ill-intention. But, that doesn't make me less sad to hear it misappropriated. A bunch of white dudes trying to win at sports ball isn't at all equal to the desire of a repressed race deciding being dead will be a relief from life.

Cultural imperialism

You can't just have it because you want it. Some things come with baggage. It's not that you can't appreciate it or celebrate it. But sometimes it's not appropriate to use. For example, even though the 'N' word is used by black rappers and Eminem grew up in mostly black neighbourhoods and is a rapper, he still won't use the 'N' word. Why? Because it's not appropriate. It's not his word to reclaim.

England's history of colonisation and cultural appropriation is obvious to anyone who's read a history book. And, guess what? The original Americans were English. Americans are your bratty long lost cousin. They went to American, murdered the natives, then came back across the water, kidnapped a bunch of other folks, then put them to work as slaves.

So much of our culture in both American and Britain are infact parts that we've absorbed through our multicultural heritage. The problem is the refusal to acknowledge and respect the backgrounds that bring them to us, or a lack of understanding of and an inability to own up to the places where that history caused hurt.

Sadly, Brexit for some was a demonstration of the overwhelming lack of understanding. Everybody loves curry and shampoo. But some people still have issue with Indian neighbours. Well, the sad news is all the brown people you want gone are here because you took over their countries and were forced to have reciprocal immigration policies. They're not going to go away because of the European Union.

What to do with English rugby?

I don't think anything's going to change because some opinionated Black guy writes a blog about it. I either don't watch England matches or watch with the sound off (don't get me started on the crazy biased commentary as well). Because when I hear a big ol' group of English fans sing "Swing low" it's like hearing them use the 'N' word. Cutlture was stolen from my ancestors. But, despite the worst odds and conditions, they continued to hope and dream and be creative and stay strong. They carried bits of their heritage inside of them. Then they took the words and worship that were available to them and assembled something new and amazing.

And now someone has stolen that.

My superhero'mo - Iceman

Art by Kevin Wada

Bobby Drake, Iceman, has been part of the X-Men since the beginning (first published 1963). He’s gone from snow covered popsicle to omega-level all-powerful ice wizard. Some 52 years later, in November 2015 (Uncanny X-men #600) a dream came true – Iceman, my all-time favourite X-man, came out. (Side note: This is also the issue in which Colossus became a total daddy bear and I just died!)


“In the end, the thing that makes him a hero isn’t being able to freeze enemies with a flick of his wrist - it’s the courage to be himself.”

For years Bobby was the laughable lothario, dating and breaking up with women as often as X-Men die and are resurrected. He was known to be terrible at relationships, never taking them seriously. But, when his younger self is brought to the future and comes out, the older Bobby is thrust out of the closet.

Iceman meets young Iceman who decides to come out

This year, Iceman has his own series exploring his coming out and the glacial pace it takes to learn to make peace with it.

Why should you read it?

Modern dating sucks

This is such a touching, real, and beautifully arced story about accepting who you really are with people who expect you to be something else.

Marvel comics, and X-Men in particular, have always reflected the very real current struggles in society. Civil Rights, immigration, HIV, xenophobia are just a few of the topics that Marvel have weighed in on, promoting tolerance and understanding.

Iceman’s coming out story is so well done – showing the repercussions, revelations and healing that coming out can bring.

“There are super villains getting punched in addition to some hard hitting home truths”

Fact: There’s more support for people coming out now than ever before. However, for many, it’s still a struggle. There’s still fear of persecution but an even bigger fear is “disappointing” other people. There are so many expectations that you, your friends and family, have for your life. To some, being gay, is an end to that promised future.

Young Iceman's first kiss with bf Romeo

The Iceman series explores that struggle with care. It’s not preaching, it doesn’t provide any answers, it just paints a literal picture of a person’s life as they recognise that their life will be different once they embrace who they are – but ultimately it will be better.

I’d recommend anyone, gay, straight, trans, intersex, religious, or anything else read this. It’s about a journey to embrace who you are and what it’s like to tell the people around you of that new reality. Plus, there’s super villains getting punched in addition to some hard hitting home truths.

Why is this important?

When I was a kid the gay role models out there were nothing like me. Even worse, many were tragic figures who looked on their lives with regret. Being gay was a terrifying death sentence.

Here we see a bonafide super hero struggling against something that so many of us do. Iceman shows that even the strongest of us find it difficult to be our authentic selves. It’s a very personal, very real, and very dangerous fight that you aren’t exempt from even if you have super powers. And, in the end, the thing that makes him a hero isn’t being able to freeze enemies with a flick of his wrist - it’s the courage to be himself.

There are many out gay superheroes in the Marvel verse. So, this is not uncharted territory. But, never before has the saga that is the “coming out process”, especially later in life, been so thoughtfully and thoroughly explored.

“Coming out is a journey, a process of small steps and heroic admissions that happen every day.”

This series investigates how Iceman’s personal revelation affects his relationships with his friends, family, exes, his teammates and even his performance as a happy and whole person in the workplace (battle field).

So often coming out is portrayed as a grand gesture, covered in an issue or two as a side story and then we move on. But, really, coming out is a journey, a process of small steps and heroic admissions that happen every day.

And, for some, the first coming out is a genuine battle.

Bobby is no stranger to danger. And the book uses his literal battles against villains as an allegory to the struggle of coming out. It’s a poetic vision of the very real feelings of struggle.

Here's more about Northstar, Marvel's premiere supherheromo

Coming out later in life is hard!

Kitty Pryde, friend (and former girlfriend) by Kevin Wada

Bobby has a string of broken-hearted exes and parents who were never too cool with his ‘life style’ as a mutant. So, when he comes out it reverberates through all of his relationships.

Like an alcoholic Bobby is dragged around to all of his exes and friends apologising for not telling them (which I don’t agree with). This becomes part of the narrative. Kitty Pryde, Iceman’s ex who is also now his boss, says to his parents "Bobby's had to spend the last few months listening to what everyone thinks about him, processing how we're all affected by something that must be incredibly challenging for him to deal with... no one's really be asking how Bobby is coping." But, even her reaction, before acceptance, was one of hurt and offence that he didn’t come out the ‘right way’ to her.

For many of the people in Iceman’s life, they feel like part of their life was a lie, as if his secret was vindictive. This is so important for people to see – those who are coming out or the people who love them.

When you come out the people in your life have to adjust to the reality of the new you. It would be great if everyone was like, “Whatever, no big deal”. But that’s not the case. It is a big deal, especially the older you get.

For as long as it takes you to come to your truth, the people around you may need time to adjust. It’s not all pride parades and cakes. Sometimes there are very negative and hurtful reactions.

For people to see and understand this is important. It not only helps those who might be facing the same challenge, but also for the people who want to support them.

Changing lives with one simple act

Iceman has always been and will continue to be my favourite superhero. Now, in ways that I never could have imagined as a kid, his story has created in me a sense of excitement and pride. The hero that I connected with, saw much of myself in, is even more like me.

I’ve seen how sharing your own story of struggle can help other people. So, it’s reaffirmed my faith in the comics and their ability to uplift and really make changes. And it’s reaffirmed my faith in myself, that the bravery I exhibit every day by just being myself and the work I do to encourage it in others matters.

It’s my hope that somewhere out there is a kid, reading this book, thinking, “If Iceman can do it, so can I.”

Why is Iceman my favourite X-man?

Young Beast and Beast

Iceman and Beast are actually my favourite two X-men. One is funny, classic boy next door, and can keep your drink cold. He uses humour to combat the issues that plague his life. He’s the geeky, obnoxious little brother of the team - the outsider trying to get in. For as powerful as he is, he was always afraid of that power and downplayed his abilities to try and fit in. I saw a lot of myself in him.

The other, Beast, is big, brainy, brawny and hairy. He’s like the giant blue bear of my dreams. But really, his brutish exterior belied the genius within. His mutation is his agilty and bestial hands and feet. But his greatest power is his mind. I loved that seeming contradiction. His personal struggle resonated with me as a young black kid. There’ve been many situation in my life where people underestimated my intelligence because of the way that I looked.

She's a little be murdery but I still love her

My other all time X-man is Marrow. She's not a mainstay but there was something about her plight and powers that I identified with. Her powers are spontaneous bone growth that cause constant pain. But, she uses these powers which seem pretty crap to be one of the most vicious fighters. She battled to become the no nonsense leader of the Morlocks. My struggle with hypbermobility syndrome has meant having to live with pain. But I always think, if Marrow can be a badass and get stuff done, so can I. She’s also a little bit insane but I try not to think about that. 

And here’s a picture of Colossus with his beard… ‘nuff said.

Tell me you wouldn't

Guide to the Edinburgh Festival for people with social anxiety

Every year the festival lands on Edinburgh - an extra-terrestrial onslaught of forced whimsy and subpar, self-indulgent self-promotion (says the man with a blog).

As a local and anxiety riddled human it can be a time of extreme frustration, sun deprivation (more than usual) and a the sentence 'why are there so many f**ing idiots here' on repeat a la Britney Spears circa 1999.

What is the Edinburgh Festival?

The Edinburgh Festival is actually comprised of several festivals - The International Festival, The Fringe Festival, The Book Festival, and many many MANY other fringe fringe festivals. The city becomes a colourfully steaming pile of performers, wannabes (eg people who need to prove to their parents that they do have talent while living off hand-outs from mum), tourists, idiots, sycophants and culture?

Frankly it's exhausting.

Normally, about 260,000 people (over half of Edinburgh's population) live within 4km of the castle. During the festival there are an additional 100,000 people flocking to the city, many of whom will  stay within that area to feel the full benefit of the festival brouhaha.

For anyone who has any sort of aversion or difficulty in dealing with crowds the city becomes an impassable gauntlet of fear and trauma - NO! I do not want your flier!

So, how do you survive and possibly even *gasp* enjoy the festival?

Step 1: Develop a good pissed off face (your mean mug)

I call this my 'angry black man' face. Admittedly it works much better in the US but the sentiment of 'Don't talk to me' is international.

Yay... the festival...

How can you achieve your pissed off look?

I like to think of the generations of oppression, murder and brutality that kept my ancestors enslaved and the continued persecution of black people - particularly police brutality and the tacit (and not so tacit) underestimation of us.

Don't take it too far

The trick is have a simmering rage - the kind that looks like you might actually cut someone (or yourself) if someone even talks to you. If there's one thing I've learned about the Brits it's that they DO NOT want to deal with emotions. In that sense looking world weary and totally overwhelmed can work but only if you can muster and maintain a watery eye for the duration of your trip through town.

You don't want to go too pissed off or you'll look demented and people might think it's some kind of performance. And if they think you're one of them you're done for!

See what works for you!

Step 2: Avoid 'those' sort of people

If it don't got no red bottom -
it ain't Louboutin!

Avoid people (colleagues, 'friends', family) who ask questions like 'what are you seeing in the festival?' Screw you! You don't know me. The festival is not the only point of culture in Scotland. And, yes, I'm going to see Wonder Woman AGAIN! The Festival is bloody expensive.

Fair enough if they ask 'if' you are going to see something. But avoid 'those' sorts of people who believe they're the pinnacle of culture. You know who I'm talking about - that Fiona in HR who talks loudly about her holiday to Marbella and has one pair of Louboutins that her boyfriend got her (when she caught him cheating btw) - her! Shun these people even harder in August.

Step 3: Don't look at posters 

These are pretty much the worst. 70% of them were done in Photoshop by a friend of a friend who happens to have a bootleg copy of creative suite on their computer. They're often sad and imploring - begging you to like them. Or worse just comedians making silly faces because clearly their derp face is enough for you to give them £20!

These posters are a mixture of:

• false, smug satisfaction - "I dared to try!"
• begging - "Please! I need the money!"
• crippling insecurity - "Laugh, Mommy, I'm funny! mommy... mommy?..."
• terror that this "opportunity" will bankrupt them (or make their parents reduce their trust fund)

I'd love to say these should be avoided because they're bad. But, mostly, they will make you feel guilty. Inanimate and two dimensional or not these are people begging you!


If you're like me you feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for not helping these sad sacks. And you'll face at least three dozen of these jamokes just by nipping to the shops for some milk. I feel like it's my fault they got fired from their vegan café job because they took the summer off to 'really try to make it work'.

It's not your fault they suck. You don't deserve the added pressure and guilt. Get your blinders, headphones and mean mug on and batter through. Even better, avoid major roads until absolutely necessary.

Step 4: Get the guide

The Fringe guide is free - or check out the Fringe online. Flip through and look for something you'd like to see. DO NOT go to the ticket office on the High Street except to pick up tickets. You'll end up in A&E or jail or sleeping with some unwashed hipster performer. How? I don't know. The overwhelming rage and terror will descend and mayhem will ensue. With the guide you can sit at home looking through a full-colour illustrated book. It's a relaxing activity and you can laugh at all the tourists who don't have the chance to plan ahead.

Then throw it out (recycle it). The reminder of it on your coffee table will make you feel bad. Unless you have guests coming then it will make you look cultured and like a good host for offering the guilt to those lazy culture dumpsters who also won't see anything.

Step 5: Go out and see something

The noise and crowds are a pain when you're trying to live your day to day life. But take some time to find one show you actually want to see and partake in the frivolity. All of these tourists are on vacation and don't understand why their stupid coffee order is holding up a line of very VERY angry Scots. And you won't beat them (unless you actually do, in which case you won't have to deal with the festival because you'll be in jail). So, join them for a little while. Take a day or two off, go to dinner, see a show, take your time and enjoy the holiday atmosphere.

Step 6: Just say no

Just say no to mimes!

Say NO to people who say "Come see my show". Again, it's guilt. Not acknowledging their request seems easier but it will mess you up.

Even if you don't accidentally look them in the eye ignoring them will make you:

• feel guilty for ignoring them (top of the spiral)
• worry you've hurt their feelings (sliding down the spiral)  
• think they think they're crap and hate their lives and have a crappy performance and give up their dreams just like your father did to you (welcome to the bottom of the spiral)

Just say 'NO'. They're taking a chance. They've asked you a question. You have every right to answer it. You don't have to scream it at them. Or do scream at them. I don't care. They'll probably use it as material for their one man show.


This year I'm making it a game. Every person who asks me to see their show I'm going to ask to take a picture of them and tweet it with a Donald Trump hashtag. I think it will be fun. OMG I've made my own Fringe show! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Step 7: Avoid town at all other times

No one lives on Princes St. You do NOT have to go into the town centre during August. You will not get into your favourite restaurant or pub. Order stuff online. Go to that other Boots. It may be 10 minutes further away but you'll be saving yourself time and frustration in the end. At most you might have to pass through town. And to that end...

Step 8: Leave 15 minutes early

If you're going through town for any reason leave 15 minutes earlier than normal. Otherwise you will damage your already fragile 'OK' bubble. You think, "10 minutes should be enough". It's really not. Being 5 minutes early is the worst that could happen and you won't arrive in a puddle of panic.

Step 9: See the military tattoo

The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo is incredible. See it at least once if you can. You'll feel incredibly patriotic and warm and fuzzy about Scotland even if it's cold and raining.

Overall
The Festival period can be exciting and exhausting. If you take care of yourself and your mental health you can make it through the season without screaming and chasing someone dressed as a medieval jester down the street with a rolled up newspaper, you've won.

Take it easy. Be happy. And don't let people pressure you into doing stuff you don't want to.