Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Depression. Show all posts

Sunday, 31 May 2020

The world watching America - Black Lives Matter

Today, like the last few days, news is filled with stories about the protests in US because of George Floyd and the ongoing decimation of Black lives in the US perpetrated by Police and citizens taking the law into their own hands. And, as I read about the protests all I can think is, "good".

Will these protests change anything? Doubtful, given the current administration full of bullies, sycophants and sadistic narcissistic capitalists. But Black people deserved to vent their anger and fear - the frustration and rage at the racism and murderous intent by institutions that have persisted over the last 400 years. 

Racism is simple: It's valuing the lives, attitudes and culture of one race over another. Police in America continue to value the lives of white citizens and police officers over those of Black and Brown people. Police officers take an oath to "serve and protect", not play judge and executioner. Yet, we know for a fact that as long as you are white and have a gun or a badge, it is completely fine for you to kill a Black person in cold blood. 

Growing up in the US I lived my life encased in that fear - around every corner someone was going to kill me whether I did anything wrong or not. My life was in the hands of everyone but me. And, it wasn't until I left America and learned to live outside of that constant terror that I realised the true impact of it. 

I wonder who I might have been if I hadn't been taught never to go into a shop unless I was actually going to buy something - my mother handing me a $5 bill. Not to spend. It was protection in case someone accused me of stealing. I only learned to 'browse' in shops on a trip to Belgium last year when a friend pointed out that I didn't have to stare through shop windows to assess if I might actually buy something.

What else could I have done with my mind if I hadn't been trained to observe walking down the street as an obstacle course and exercise in artifice - try not to look too threatening to that white lady, but try not to look so weak as to be susceptible to victimisation from people who are so oppressed that they'll look for anyone that they can put down.  

What else might I have accomplished if I hadn't learned to see tragedy as common place, locking my anger away until it festered and contorted itself into a constant anxiety for fear of manifesting any negative emotion lest I be labelled as an angry Black man - a spoiled unusable thing in a society that valued my compliance to preconceptions of brutishness or docile servitude. 

Who would my nieces and nephew become if they didn't have to live with the same burdens I grew up with - Black boys who dress like that are thugs. Black girls who dress like that are hoes. Black skin is a risk to your life expectancy. 

Living outside the US I remember the first time I caught someone staring at me in a shop and I realised they thought I was attractive instead of suspecting me as a thief. Before leaving the US I never had the capacity to accept that other people saw me as anything other than Black and dangerous. And I wondered how many relationships or opportunities I had eschewed because my only experience prior to that was that if someone is staring at me it's because they are afraid of me and will hurt me?

The real thief is the persistent racism in America that robs Black people of the gift of freedom - freedom from the deep personal, mental, emotional and physical shackles that keep a race of people from actualising their potential - a freedom that so many other groups could find simply by anglicising their surnames and blending in if they choose (not that anyone should have to).

Being Black is so much more than pain and suffering. There is joy. There is family. There is food and culture and art and so much beauty. But, how much more could we be as a people if our kids didn't have to learn the painful lessons we learned, that our parents learned, that our grandparents and their grandparents learned over and over?

I've seen literally seen Black people murdered in the street. My parents have too. My grand parents saw them hanged. And their grand parents saw them ripped apart by whips and dogs. What generation will no longer see Black people dragged in the street and killed by 'the law' just for existing in the same space as white people?

I live in Scotland now. And, even as a Black, gay, immigrant with disabilities, I see the opportunities I have here to expand myself and for the country as a whole to do something different - to really change the game in race equality in a predominantly white society. Scotland has the chance to write a new narrative for the ever increasing minority communities that come to these shores. I hope we take every opportunity we're given.

But, I also can't hide from the horror in my home country because every time I turn on the news there is someone dying in horrific and completely avoidable way. I can't avoid it when I close my eyes because I relive the memories of the first time I realised a white person could limit my opportunities simply because they didn't like me based on the colour of my skin. 

The world now sees through social media the reality of relentless evil and dehumanisation that Black people in America have been subjected to every day since that first ship brought "20 and odd negroes" to (what is now) Virginia in 1619.

In so many respects the world is watching the US, previously as a leader and now as a twisted cautionary tale. But, how can it truly be a lesson unless the rest of the world, Scotland included, take action to do something about it?

I was once told that racism is a downward escalator. The racists are actively walking down, being carried along at double speed. Most people are standing still, complicit and carried along whether they want to or not. And, even those who are moving backward are just standing still, stagnating in their efforts because of their slow pace. The only real way to combat it is to work twice as hard to go upwards in the other direction.

How are you fighting to go the other way? How are you helping take us further away from the ultimate evil that will see the continued denigration and eventual destruction of a people?

We need white allies just as much as we need Black people standing up for their right to exist without fear of being murdered. Time to put that white saviour complex to good use! We need to be united in our abhorrence of the treatment of Black and Brown people in America. We need other countries to openly condemn and sanction the persistent and insidious human rights violations that are perpetuated on American soil every day. Maybe the world will unite in this unprecedented time of pandemic fear and death to say to the US powerhouse, "We're not ok with what you're doing to your citizens", so that one day America can really call itself the land of the free, not just for white people. 

Friday, 29 June 2018

Rebel with a cause - Come Dine With Me

A picture is worth a thousand words, right? For my night on Come Dine With Me in Edinburgh I made badges for my guests that symbolised fun and incredible things about them. And, all week I also wore badges that symbolised some of the things that are most important to me.

I was always taught every platform you get is a chance to raise up your community. Come Dine With Me was a chance to talk about issues close to my heart. However, I knew those chances were going to be minimal on air. We also weren't allowed to wear anything with other people's art, branding, political messages or words on it (Except my cheeky Yale tshirt!). So, I had to get creative, literally, to get my message across.

I designed and created my own badges to say the words I wouldn't necessarily be able to say. You might have caught glimpses of them on air. So here they are with their corresponding issues.

Anti gun crime

Anti gun violence badge
Being American, gun crime and gun control are subjects close to my heart. I grew up annually attending memorials for kids my age who were the victims of gun crime. I have family and friends who've been affected by it. More than anything, it makes me sad so many young people's lives are at risk and that people are still unable, or unwilling, to see that better regulation (at least) is the only way to improve it. I think the way that it's currently being handled and addressed by some in America is farcical. So, for the badge, I took inspiration from The Comedian's iconic blood spattered badge from the comic, Watchmen by Alan Moore. Referencing one of the most thought provoking comics about moral grey areas was fitting, given the Comedian's own relationship to violence as a so-called hero. I like to think wearing this badge was my very own Rorschack moment.

Mental Health

Mental Health Badge
I've made no secret about my own struggles with depression and anxiety. Positive, open attitudes towards talking about it is something our society needs more of. For some people an episode of ill mental health is a one off. For others it's a life time struggle, just like any other health issue. But the stigma and judgement can only be defeated if we talk about it. The subject really hit home for me when a friend lost a loved one to suicide while I was filming night 2! It was a horrifying shock. But, it made me all the more resolved to spread the word. I used the title of one of my favourite Fiona Apples songs, Extraordinary Machine. The lyric is "Be kind to me, or treat me mean - I'll make the most of it. I'm an extraordinary machine".. I think it speaks to the beautiful contradition that is being human. The human body and brain are just that - these extraordinary machines that can do so many amazing things. We have moving parts that need to be cared for. However, the badge turns it on it's head. As humans we are extraordinary, but we are not machines. Uunlike machines sometimes there's no easy fix for what ails us. You can't just remove and replace parts. We need to face our own 'brokenness' with compassion and understanding - in ourselves and others. The sad brain and the awkward smile demonstrate that dichotomy - smiling on the outside; showing off your extraordinary machine. But inside needing some tlc.

LGBTI equality

This one I didn't create myself. But there was no point in reinventing the wheel. It was actually a rainbow badge that I've had for years that's faded in the sun. I like the way the pastels of the muted rainbow look a bit like the trans flag. So I kept the badge instead of swapping it for something brighter and new.

Black Lives Matter

Black Lives Matter
"Yes, sir. No, sir. Thank you, sir." The only 7 words you need to know if you're black and stopped by the police.

Obviously, there are amazing cops. My brother-in-law is one of them. I was lucky enough to know my neighbourhood police as a kid. But, the numbers don't lie. Black people in America are more likely to be fatally shot by police than white counterparts. You don't have to look past Starbucks to see that racial bias is alive, well and kicking people out in America.

It's scares me to think that my Black nieces and nephew are growing up under that bias like I did. I know they will thrive and be brilliant and accomplish great things despite it. But, I wonder, what could they be if they weren't constantly mentally assessing their surroundings for danger - even from those sworn to protect them?

I wore this badge on my night and made it stand out as much as possible - a black badge against a white shirt. I knew it was slightly bending the rules because it had a political tone. But it was a worthwhile risk. I managed to sneak it past for the first part of my night before the crew clocked what it was and asked if I'd take it off. I didn't push the issue because they said they wouldn't bother reshooting the footage where I had it on. I'm glad it made it into a few shots.

Cancer awareness

Cancer Awareness
I'm terrified by cancer. I've lost a friend or family member to cancer every year since I turned 30. The first person I lost was my best friend (only 30 years old herself) and both my mother's parents died from it. It's a sobering fact to realise that 1 in 4 people will have cancer. And, everyone will be affected by it in some way. Since I moved to Scotland I've been singing with the choir Showcase in Edinburgh who raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support. It's an amazing thing to be able to use my hobby as a way to do something positive for people and their families affected by this illness. So, it was just as important to help raise awareness of it on Come Dine With Me.

Tuesday, 26 June 2018

TV Magic - Lessons from Come Dine with Me

Harry Dozier - Film still - Come Dine With Me Edinburgh
Lights! Camera! Action!
We had a mantra - 'This is not a dinner party. This is TV'

I had the pleasure, privelege and trauma of being on Come Dine With Me in Edinburgh in 2018. I've thrown dinner parties for large groups. I've been on Holywood film sets. So I thought I had this in the bag. But, the mental pressure and hard work that goes into making reality TV is soooooo different than what I was expecting.

Here’s what I found out from my fun foray into the world of reality TV.

**No spoilers! So I won’t be dishing about who won. But if you’re all about the TV magic and suspension of disbelief, stop!**

Laugh. Rinse. Repeat.

This is not a dinner party. It's a film set.

Sound and foodie - by Harry Dozier

There is a lot of silent eating. There is lots of pausing mid spoonful to get a close up. You will develop a weird complex about how you put food in your mouth. You will get annoyed and strung out because you’re essentially being experimented on while you eat.

There's a lot of delirium.

There's lots of sitting around.

Unlike some other high pressure reality competitions, on Come Dine there’s a lot of off time together off camera. And, what happens off camera stays off camera. So, if there’s beef, you might not see it on air. But you still drag all those feelings and thoughts in front of the lens.

Also, in the down time there were certain things you weren’t allowed to ‘reveal’ about yourself until your night. Jobs. Where you live. Hobbies and interests. They want to see how people react. So, at the beginning that added extra strain to eating with five strangers.

There is a lot of repeating yourself. All of the reactions you see on camera are genuine. But, what gets to the telly is probably the fourth time you’ve said it because the first time the camera was looking somewhere else when you made the silly interjection or someone looked at the camera. Sometimes this added to the hilarity. Sometimes it made you want to throw a fork at Dave.

Ulterior motives

This is not a dinner party.
My face the whole time I was cooking

If you go into a competition like this with a killer instinct you’ll go wrong. There’s no expert panel of judges. There’s no amount of training that gets you top marks. They’ve deliberately picked people who hate your food. So, winning is partly to do with getting along with people.

My group gelled because, I think, we were all in it for the experience. Yes, we wanted to win. But, when that’s the only agenda it’s hard to relax and laugh at some of the more ridiculous aspects of asking five strangers to cook for each other… on TV.

What I wanted from the experience was three fold.
  1. I’m a writer and it’s a unique experience I could write about.
  2. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I wanted to challenge myself. If I could make it through the week without totally losing my s**t it’s a win!
  3. £1000 would pay for my trip to my friend’s wedding in America and to see my family.
My group were all in it for different aspects of what the experience could bring. It meant when something didn’t go as planned it wasn’t too big of a deal. We were after something else. And I think we found it.

God bless the production crew

Film and Sound crew - Come Dine with Me EdinburghThis is not a dinner party.

Be nice to your crew. Look after them and they will look after you. ‘Cause, you know, that’s how people work in general.

We had a great production team. It’s not their job to be chipper and personable. Some of them weren’t. Most of them were. Either way, all of them were 24/7 professionals with long days and lots of work to do. The edges frayed at times for all the contestants and the crew kept us together.

They are a HUGE part of the experience. They cracked us up at times. They parented us when we were misbehaving. They were kind when we needed understanding.

I personally appreciated how encouraging they were. Someone smiling at you and saying ‘great job’ makes a difference when you’re overwhelmed and freaking out about the texture of your strawberry coulis.

It's a performance

This is not a dinner party.

Ready for my Close up - by Harry Dozier
Ready for my close up
It’s a performance. I did things that I probably wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t being filmed.

Artistic plating of food can go f**k itself. And I now own more ramekins then I ever wanted!

I’m not someone who’s ‘always on’. As a writer I spend a lot of time in my head. But, thankfully the crew and other contestants helped me keep it in perspective. You’ve only got to be ‘on’ when the cameras are on. The rest of the time you can fold yourself inward like a paranoid transformer - Introvert-a-tron, roll out!.

And if ‘you’ is someone who is kind and decent and fun, you’ll be fine.

Other tidbits

If you’re funny about people touching you, you will hate this. Fortunately our sound guy had the gentle caress of a new lover and that made it delightful. ;-)

You’re guaranteed to be served food you don’t like. It’s embarrassing and in real life you might choke it down to be polite. It’s a relief that they want to see you NOT eat something you hate. It’s part of the show. Enjoy the break from decorum.

The time eating is less than you’d think. There will be lots of time to chill and drink. So beware the bottle because: Bored + tired + alcohol + people telling you what to do = grumpy times. The crew are good about reminding you of this because they don’t want to work with drunken idiots. Listen to them.

Talk to your friends. If you become friends with your group, awesome. But, you still need reality checks. An intense week can mean the little things become big things. It doesn’t really matter though.

And remember, this is not a dinner party!

Come Dine With Me Edinburgh 2018 contestants

-- Harry Dozier, Edinburgh