Guide to the Edinburgh Festival for people with social anxiety

Every year the festival lands on Edinburgh - an extra-terrestrial onslaught of forced whimsy and subpar, self-indulgent self-promotion (says the man with a blog).

As a local and anxiety riddled human it can be a time of extreme frustration, sun deprivation (more than usual) and a the sentence 'why are there so many f**ing idiots here' on repeat a la Britney Spears circa 1999.

What is the Edinburgh Festival?

The Edinburgh Festival is actually comprised of several festivals - The International Festival, The Fringe Festival, The Book Festival, and many many MANY other fringe fringe festivals. The city becomes a colourfully steaming pile of performers, wannabes (eg people who need to prove to their parents that they do have talent while living off hand-outs from mum), tourists, idiots, sycophants and culture?

Frankly it's exhausting.

Normally, about 260,000 people (over half of Edinburgh's population) live within 4km of the castle. During the festival there are an additional 100,000 people flocking to the city, many of whom will  stay within that area to feel the full benefit of the festival brouhaha.

For anyone who has any sort of aversion or difficulty in dealing with crowds the city becomes an impassable gauntlet of fear and trauma - NO! I do not want your flier!

So, how do you survive and possibly even *gasp* enjoy the festival?

Step 1: Develop a good pissed off face (your mean mug)

I call this my 'angry black man' face. Admittedly it works much better in the US but the sentiment of 'Don't talk to me' is international.

Yay... the festival...

How can you achieve your pissed off look?

I like to think of the generations of oppression, murder and brutality that kept my ancestors enslaved and the continued persecution of black people - particularly police brutality and the tacit (and not so tacit) underestimation of us.

Don't take it too far

The trick is have a simmering rage - the kind that looks like you might actually cut someone (or yourself) if someone even talks to you. If there's one thing I've learned about the Brits it's that they DO NOT want to deal with emotions. In that sense looking world weary and totally overwhelmed can work but only if you can muster and maintain a watery eye for the duration of your trip through town.

You don't want to go too pissed off or you'll look demented and people might think it's some kind of performance. And if they think you're one of them you're done for!

See what works for you!

Step 2: Avoid 'those' sort of people

If it don't got no red bottom -
it ain't Louboutin!

Avoid people (colleagues, 'friends', family) who ask questions like 'what are you seeing in the festival?' Screw you! You don't know me. The festival is not the only point of culture in Scotland. And, yes, I'm going to see Wonder Woman AGAIN! The Festival is bloody expensive.

Fair enough if they ask 'if' you are going to see something. But avoid 'those' sorts of people who believe they're the pinnacle of culture. You know who I'm talking about - that Fiona in HR who talks loudly about her holiday to Marbella and has one pair of Louboutins that her boyfriend got her (when she caught him cheating btw) - her! Shun these people even harder in August.

Step 3: Don't look at posters 

These are pretty much the worst. 70% of them were done in Photoshop by a friend of a friend who happens to have a bootleg copy of creative suite on their computer. They're often sad and imploring - begging you to like them. Or worse just comedians making silly faces because clearly their derp face is enough for you to give them £20!

These posters are a mixture of:

• false, smug satisfaction - "I dared to try!"
• begging - "Please! I need the money!"
• crippling insecurity - "Laugh, Mommy, I'm funny! mommy... mommy?..."
• terror that this "opportunity" will bankrupt them (or make their parents reduce their trust fund)

I'd love to say these should be avoided because they're bad. But, mostly, they will make you feel guilty. Inanimate and two dimensional or not these are people begging you!


If you're like me you feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for not helping these sad sacks. And you'll face at least three dozen of these jamokes just by nipping to the shops for some milk. I feel like it's my fault they got fired from their vegan café job because they took the summer off to 'really try to make it work'.

It's not your fault they suck. You don't deserve the added pressure and guilt. Get your blinders, headphones and mean mug on and batter through. Even better, avoid major roads until absolutely necessary.

Step 4: Get the guide

The Fringe guide is free - or check out the Fringe online. Flip through and look for something you'd like to see. DO NOT go to the ticket office on the High Street except to pick up tickets. You'll end up in A&E or jail or sleeping with some unwashed hipster performer. How? I don't know. The overwhelming rage and terror will descend and mayhem will ensue. With the guide you can sit at home looking through a full-colour illustrated book. It's a relaxing activity and you can laugh at all the tourists who don't have the chance to plan ahead.

Then throw it out (recycle it). The reminder of it on your coffee table will make you feel bad. Unless you have guests coming then it will make you look cultured and like a good host for offering the guilt to those lazy culture dumpsters who also won't see anything.

Step 5: Go out and see something

The noise and crowds are a pain when you're trying to live your day to day life. But take some time to find one show you actually want to see and partake in the frivolity. All of these tourists are on vacation and don't understand why their stupid coffee order is holding up a line of very VERY angry Scots. And you won't beat them (unless you actually do, in which case you won't have to deal with the festival because you'll be in jail). So, join them for a little while. Take a day or two off, go to dinner, see a show, take your time and enjoy the holiday atmosphere.

Step 6: Just say no

Just say no to mimes!

Say NO to people who say "Come see my show". Again, it's guilt. Not acknowledging their request seems easier but it will mess you up.

Even if you don't accidentally look them in the eye ignoring them will make you:

• feel guilty for ignoring them (top of the spiral)
• worry you've hurt their feelings (sliding down the spiral)  
• think they think they're crap and hate their lives and have a crappy performance and give up their dreams just like your father did to you (welcome to the bottom of the spiral)

Just say 'NO'. They're taking a chance. They've asked you a question. You have every right to answer it. You don't have to scream it at them. Or do scream at them. I don't care. They'll probably use it as material for their one man show.


This year I'm making it a game. Every person who asks me to see their show I'm going to ask to take a picture of them and tweet it with a Donald Trump hashtag. I think it will be fun. OMG I've made my own Fringe show! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Step 7: Avoid town at all other times

No one lives on Princes St. You do NOT have to go into the town centre during August. You will not get into your favourite restaurant or pub. Order stuff online. Go to that other Boots. It may be 10 minutes further away but you'll be saving yourself time and frustration in the end. At most you might have to pass through town. And to that end...

Step 8: Leave 15 minutes early

If you're going through town for any reason leave 15 minutes earlier than normal. Otherwise you will damage your already fragile 'OK' bubble. You think, "10 minutes should be enough". It's really not. Being 5 minutes early is the worst that could happen and you won't arrive in a puddle of panic.

Step 9: See the military tattoo

The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo is incredible. See it at least once if you can. You'll feel incredibly patriotic and warm and fuzzy about Scotland even if it's cold and raining.

Overall
The Festival period can be exciting and exhausting. If you take care of yourself and your mental health you can make it through the season without screaming and chasing someone dressed as a medieval jester down the street with a rolled up newspaper, you've won.

Take it easy. Be happy. And don't let people pressure you into doing stuff you don't want to.