Gay is ok - My first time

I was recently moving all of my crap into storage and came across some of my older writing journals. This one in particular was around the time that I came out. After laughing and cringing at some of the passages I came across an entry from 18 August 2002, the day after my first time!

Me - 25 August 2002

It read:

August 18, 2002
Well, it finally happened. I had sex last night. It definitely made me realise that next time I want it to be with someone I know better and care about.

I met this guy Patrick (not his real name) in a bar. He's a teacher at (a local high school) actually. He was nice enough and very cute. We started out dancing, close. Then kissing. He was very strong and I liked that. Although we did it w/o a condom which was THE DUMBEST THING EVER. I can't believe I let that happen. I told him I didn't have any [protection]. He said okay. But then later asked if I was sure that I didn't have any 'preventatives'. Then the whole 'I'm clean. You're clean,' went on. And yeah. Now I have to wait six months before I get AIDS tested (I tested negative btw). I am going to. Even if I'm praying I don't (have HIV) I deserve to be nervous for doing a stupid stupid thing.

I don't know if I want to do this whole 'gay' thing. After finally going through with it - plus with Sunday's sermon of the suffering of Christ - I'm beginning to remember why I turned to God. It felt good knowing someone wanted me - and still feels good. But it was completely unsatisfying. When Patrick left I felt hollow. I didn't want him to stay, but I didn't want him to go. I don't know.

I can really only think of the the few time I felt good and whole and they were all with people who felt like family. I don't know if I want to piss off God just for sex. Although, like I said, it felt good to have someone to lay there with. Is it possible to have a gay relationship with no sex? Just lots and lots of cuddling and kissing? Is that a sin? I guess the kissing maybe.

Arg! I don't know. But I definitely don't want to do it again. Especially not after just meeting some guy in a bar. But, I think I'll call Patrick. Mainly because I don't want to feel like a one night stand.

Afterwards, he told me that I looked like someone famous or maybe I just looked like I should be famous. That felt good.

Some of my 'coming out journal' entries read more like
the confessions of a convicted felon instead of
just a confused kid

I was asked ages ago why I titled my blog 'Getting over Christian guilt'. The reasons are actually quite simple:

1) I thought it was a provocative title

2) A lot of my adult life has been about learning to get over guilt, much of which I learned growing up in the church.

That is not to say that the church is bad. Much of who I am and the good that I try to stand for I learned growing up in the church. And lots of people learn guilt from places that have nothing to do with Christianity (I think Buddhism might be the only religion that could be excluded from any such blog title). But, as I read through the journal, there was so much sadness and guilt about how my sexuality made me a bad person which directly linked to what I believed was a Christian vs Gay dilemma.

However, from my current perspective, when I read this entry it shook something loose about how much I've grown and changed in my life by learning to deal with guilt in a healthy way. I'm currently dealing with a break up and the loss of a relationship. I'm literally rearranging my life as I had to move in a flat mate. I have been scrutinising my career choices and how I might get to a place where I'm more content professionally. I'm finishing an unrepresented novel that I will likely self-publish as I'm too scared to deal with agents' rejection. And, generally, I'm feeling wholly disappointed with my life choices. But reading what 19-year-old me was dealing with really helped put a lot of things into perspective.

1) If you can't love yourself...

I like myself now. I mean, I feel like crap. At the moment I'm over/underwhelmed (just whelmed?) with the things in my life and am a bit of an exploding ball of needy. But, it's just the situation I'm unhappy with, not with myself. And that's a pretty big deal. I've made the right choices (or the best ones I can) and I have the foundation to keep myself together and the tools I need to change my life when I'm ready. I know I'm a good person who is deserving of good things. Younger me was struggling to find meaning and validation from religion, others, the activities I was part of and anything in between. Now, the only meaning I need is 'have I been good to myself' which means keeping healthy, spending time with people who love me and occasionally sitting in bed with Chinese food and a DVD on my own.

2) Forgive but don't forget

The best thing I've done in my life is learn to forgive myself. I spent so long being angry at myself because of what I felt and what I was told was wrong. But, what I have learned is that I have to make myself happy. And I shouldn't be angry at myself for doing the things that would make me happier in the end, no matter how hard they were.

3) God is love

God doesn't give a crap about who I love. I've read the Bible cover to cover (seriously). And there are so many passages that we ignore on a daily basis. And, when you look at the historical context of many of those 'laws' they make sense but not in today's context. The fundamentals of Christianity are love: Love yourself. Love others. Be better than your inner ape.

4) Baby, look how far we've come!

Presenting at Scottish LGBTI Awards in Glasgow

People always say "If only I knew then what I know now." Well, you DO know it now. And the only vindication your younger self can have is to live better knowing what you know. 

19-year-old me would be so freaking proud of now me. I moved 5,000 miles away to Edinburgh, Scotland, got a master's degree in the thing that I love and I'm a writer, weaving the stories I always dreamed I would. More importantly, that thing that I was so scared and guilty about, I've used to make a difference. I was so honoured that I was asked to present 'Media Outlet of the Year' at the first Scottish LGBTI awards. I've used my bad experiences to start an LGBTI+ network at work and have volunteered for years to help with LGBT outreach. I took all those fears and turned them into something that will help other people so that, hopefully, they don't have to experience the same guilt and fear I did.

5) Fearlessness

I'm a natural worrier. I'm like a Level-10-black-belt Six-Sigma Nervous Nelly (I hope no one takes offence to that). So much of my guilt and sadness was from fear of loss: losing God's love, my family, my friends, coming under ridicule. I know now that a lot of my impatience is borne of fear of missing out - what if someone gets the sweetie instead of me. Well, there will be another one. Fear will always be there and in some ways it's keeps us safe (maybe prudence). But, what I have learned is what NOT to be afraid of. I've lost friends and family and I'm still here. It sucks but you go on. And that is something I'm happy to have learned. 

So, why do I write this blog? Why do I share these things that make me cringe (and my poor mother)? Well, I hope that somewhere out there someone else is reading it and thinking 'that sounds like me' and maybe, just maybe, they don't feel so alone. And maybe they'll come out of their shell and not be afraid and guilty and lonely and like themselves a little bit more because they're not the only one.

As always, here's the only equation to loving yourself that makes sense to me:

[(Being gay + Christianity/time passed(love of those around you)) + positive role models (lots of therapy) - bad experiences x (alchohol/alcohol fueled good times with friends) + good times with friends] + a healthy dose of distance = loving yourself

10 things people say to light-skinned black people (that might get them cut)

We hear about it often - black public figures whose images have been lightened for acceptance. But, is it really any easier to be fairer* skinned? I get it all the time from my own family - some how, being a fair-skinned black person is a breeze compared to what it's like for those who are darker.

But, for all my light-skinned brothers and sisters out there I know you'll understand. People say crazy stuff to us all the time BECAUSE we're fair-skinned. It's like somehow, because we're not as dark, we get all the awkward questions that people are too scared to ask other black people.

Yes, I am guilty of sometimes playing into these, letting it slide or just laughing it off for ease of social transactions. But, inside (and outside), I am rolling my eyes and judging you... hard.

1. 50 Shades of Blackness

You: You're not THAT black
Me: Black enough to be hanged.

Who says this: Black and white people**
Why this is annoying:
Bottom line, light/dark/somewhere in between, all black people experience prejudice and racism. Under Jim Crow laws there was the One-drop rule which stated that if you had even one ancestor of African descent you were considered black and therefore you could be killed indiscriminately. Yes, people say being fair-skinned makes you more socially acceptable. But, that in itself is racist. We still face off with bigots and experience that awkward moment where other people say 'I forget you're even black' and then proceed to make a black joke.

2. Tanning your hide

You: Look! I'm almost darker than you (holding their holiday tanned arm next to yours and pointing)
Me: Yes, but I'm not going to get skin cancer.

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
I don't understand what this obsession is. Great, you can get a tan! And yes, I get darker when I go in the sun too. It's not annoying so much as bemusing that for generations the idea of being black was maligned by whites but many white people are gagging themselves (and in fact endangering their health) to be black-ish. Yes, we all look healthier with a bit of sun (says the black guy who moved to Scotland). But, when you look like a wrinkled leather bag in 10 years it's actually kind of gross. Love yourself the way that you are.

Let's be honest - no one is the right shade of band-aid

3. Different strokes
You: Yeah, well you had it easier because you're light-skinned.
Me: Black enough to be hanged.

Who says this: Black people
Why it's annoying:
Have you been me? I go back to the one-drop rule. I've had idiots treat me like I'm less of a person because I'm black. I've been called the 'N-word' in spite. I've had friends' parents assume I went to a good college because I was on a basketball scholarship. People hit on me saying 'I've always wondered what it'd be like to be with a black guy.' You think I'm some how 'safe' from stupid because I've got a bit more vanilla in my swirl? Well, you're wrong. Don't add to the stupid by hating on me. Let's be united against idiots.

3. It's tough for you. Yeah yeah yeah

You: Are you one of those white-acting black people?
Me: If by 'white-acting' you mean articulate, thoughtful and my mom taught me how to act right (behave myself) in public, then, yes I am, you racist.

Who says this: Black and white people
Why this is annoying:
It's not annoying. It's flat out racist. I don't care who says it.

If you're white and you say this, take a long think about what you mean by 'acting black' and realise that's based solely on prejudice. How would you feel if I asked you if you were one of those red-neck white people? Change your thinking.

If you're black and you say this, have a long hard think about what expectations you have of yourself because of internalised racism and/or you justifying acting like an asshole in general. There's a difference between respecting your culture and heritage and just being a jerk.Change your thinking.

Would I be treated differently if I were darker?
Is it still blacking up if I'm already black? Awkward :-/

4. Papa can you hear me

You: Are both your parents black?
Me: Yes, and they taught me not to ask inappropriate questions. 

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Come on?! Unless you're having a discussion about heritage this is not ok. Even if you know the person 'really well' (mostly because if you know them really well you'll have seen, heard stories of or met their parents already). That's like asking people 'Are your parents divorced?' for no reason. Why not ask even more probing family questions like: How long was your mother in labour for? What are your saddest memories from childhood? When was your last sexual health check up? Can I have a vile of your blood? In polite society anything that might potentially have a really deep, long, possibly probing answer is not something you bring up without context or permission.

5. Damnit, Jim. I'm a black person, not a geneticist

You: How are the people in your family different colours if you have the same parents?
Me: How do the people in your family have different colour hair and eyes? Genetics.

Who says this: Mostly white people but I know some black people wonder too
Why this is annoying:
Well, for one reason, I'm not a geneticist so why would you assume I know any more than you? But, mostly it's frustrating because I think people are expecting something juicy and easy to understand like 'we have different fathers' or something. That would be easy for your mind to grasp, but would be deeply personal and rude of you to ask if it was. However, the reality is it's just genetics. Recessive, dominant, whatever genes. People pick up different physical traits, skin pigmentation being one of them.

6. What is reality?

You: Are you really... 'black' black?
Me: *Cocks eye-brow and glares (as presumably only a black person can) silently communicating 'Did you really just ask me that? I might cut you?'*

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Rachel Dolezal is not 'black' black. Go to the back of the class and see items 4 and 5. What is it you really want to know? Would the answer make you more or less comfortable? If it changes nothing what does it really matter? It doesn't matter two flying figs what my parentage is. Black people come in all flavours. What you see is what you get. Being 'black' black doesn't change how society perceives you when you have African features and brown skin.

7. Dopplen**ger

You: You look just like 'other fair-skinned black person they know'. Are you related?
Me: Why do people keep asking me that? But, funny you should ask. I do know Kendall.

Who says this: Black and white people
Why this is annoying:
There is a guy my sisters went to high school with named Kendall. And for all my life people have asked if I'm his brother. I mean, we look about as alike as two fair-skinned black guys do. But you would never say that if you saw my sisters and see how much we ACTUALLY look alike because we're actually related. This is just an annoying phenomenon that I think lots of people get. But, my experience has been that it's white people saying any black person looks like any other black person  (mostly celebrities). My mother was once compared to Whoopi Goldberg. I mean WTF?

'Nuff said

8. It's a game of inches

You: Is it true what they say about black guys?
Me: Yes, we do all carry guns. So back the f**k up. (polite alternative: It is true. My parents are black.)

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Black people in general get this. It is not flattering. It is not original. And it is not clever. Why don't you ask your other white friends who might have ridden the low-down rail road  to piss off their parents. If you ask this of a black man he will either ignore you completely or he will assume you're a ho, take you for a quicky (making zero eye contact), possibly steal some money from your wallet, and then never call you.

9. I am not my hair

You: Can I touch your hair?
Me: Can I touch your boobs/penis?

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Before you ask if you can touch someone's hair stop and think of when you have ever asked anyone else if you could touch their hair. Then subtract those people who are black and how many are you left with? If the answer is more than zero you have some sort of hair fetish and/or some sort of social disorder. Now, before you get mad, I have never EVER asked any one of another race if I could touch their hair. I understand you're curious, but I'm not a touch and teach playskool book. Just think: most people don't want some stranger rubbing their nasty cheeto-stained hands all up on their head. And, the odds that anyone (especially women) who'd spent loads of time and money to get their hair so correct that it's delicious looking enough to be pawed at does not actually want it to be touched.

10. Just kidding

You: Is it ok if I tell a black joke?
Me: No!

Who says this: Idiots
Why this is annoying:
First of all, if you need to ask permission to tell a joke then you already know it's going to offend someone. So, don't. This is up there with beginning a statement with 'I'm not a racist, but...' Whatever you are about to say next IS going to be racist. Avenue Q nailed it. Everyone's a little bit racist (I like to think everyone's a little be prejudice but you know what they mean). But, sometimes knowing your audience is key. So, keep your racist joke to yourself please.

Bottom line

Remember, asking questions and trying to understand is ok. But, it's all about the context. And making sweeping statements about what it's like to be in my shoes is not. If you're having trouble navigating the murky waters of what you should or shouldn't say to a black person who's fair-skinned just remember:

Questioning someone’s race (shade of skin + potential for racial stereotyping) / ([how well you know the person - how much you actually want to stay friends with that person] + context) - do you really need to know = look it up on YouTube 

(Seriously, everything is on YouTube. Check out Madame Noir’s ‘Ask A Black Man’ series or All Def Digital)

*When I use the word 'fair-skinned' in this article I'm referring to 'fair' as in 'light' not 'fair' as in beautiful. Everyone is beautiful at any shade under the human spectrum (and as Zoe Saldana proved in Gaurdians of the Galaxy you can be pretty hot in shades of green too). But, yeah, I mean 'light-skinded' y'all.

** Yes, everyone is a little bit racist. But I can honestly say none of the above examples have ever occurred with people of any other race.

Blackness in literature

Gemmy (middle) and co. from Themo's Book, Black Star

I was working on a drawing of Gemmy from Emersus Project the other day and as I was colouring it in my partner turned to me and said, 'Wait, Gemmy is black? I always read him as white.'

My first thought was, 'Uh, the book is illustrated. Look at him, brown skinned and broad nosed.' But then I thought, by the same token he has clear blue eyes and bright blue hair and can shoot electricity from his fingers. So in the world of Emersus Project nothing is a a given. .

But, to put it simply, yes Gemmy is black. His  father is black and his mother is white. Technically that makes him bi-racial. And in the book it's not an issue of which race he is. He may choose to identify with whatever race he wants or, as many mixed-race people I know do, just chose to identify as himself or by his nationality. But, the bottom line is he will always be browner than his fairer skinned compatriots which will carry with it some weight.

Is it a problem that Gemmy doesn't 'read' as black?

No, it's not. The object of my writing is for everyone to see something of themselves in my stories. Black or white shouldn't be important. What does matter are the issues in the stories that I want to face.

Gemmy never asks himself the question, 'Am I Black?'. This is because the biggest concern in his life is 'Who do I want to be given the power that I have?'. In Arbea, the world the book is set in, there are two other sentient species and the story is about Gemmy's inner conflict with his own nature **SPOILER ALERT seeing as he is a genetic amalgamation of all three species**.

For me the 'specism' in the Emersus Project is an allegory for the racism, classism and all the other 'isms' that I've personally experienced in my life (as many have). The story is not about me but about something bigger that we all feel - trying to figure out who we are in a world where everyone is different. Seriously, your atoms and cells will only ever be your atoms and cells.

We as a species are naturally biased against other cultures and things that are different. Tribalism, sectarianism, racism, etc are all ways for us to establish a group 'like us' to try and feel like we fit in. But the truth it, it doesn't matter. What makes us 'human' is our ability to see past all the crap to show kindness and love regardless of our differences.

But, for those of you looking for the 'race issue' in Emersus Project, the series is not devoid of it.

Gemmy's parentage

Gemmy's father

Gemmy's mother

The thing that I like about Gemmy is that the issue of his race does come up in the books. He is not naive to it but largely he doesn't let it affect him. He is who he is and there are bigger fish to fry. Gemmy's father, Gravander, is described as "an imposing figure. He was starkly bald accept for the academic braid* that sat atop his head. The bright white streaks in his hair stood out as a shock against his dark skin." And his mother is white with bright blue eyes with even brighter red curly hair.

Throughout the book there are hints dropped at the bigger picture of issues of race in Arbea. And, like it is for many, the tension comes from inside his own family. 

In the first book we read that: "Gemmy went to his closet and rummaged about until he found an Arbonaesche winter cap that his gran had sent him years ago. She’d never appreciated that they lived in one of the warmest places in Arbea. But he’d always suspected that she wanted him to cover his tell-tale Garzian raven hair."


In the second book we read:

"[Their cover story was] Sem and Daryn were the children of diplomats going to meet their parents on Rheza and Gemmy was their servant. They’d have to be as believable as possible because any suspicion or serious checking would result in disaster.

Sem couldn’t understand why they couldn’t all be the children of diplomats, especially as Gemmy was the only one with an actual [nobility] title. But, Gemmy had memorised all the names and faces of the diplomats who had access to travel to Rheza. They were all descendants of royal Arbean families. Gemmy had to explain that none of them had Garzian ‘farmer colouring,’ as his gran had always politely put it."

Does racism still exist?

My next series 'Age of Albion'

Yes. It's usually people who don't experience racism that say it no longer exists, but it does. In Britain there have been high profile incidents of football racism. So to imagine that it exists off the football pitch is not a stretch. And racism in America is nothing that anyone would deny.

The subject of race and how society sees it definitely needs to continue being explored in literature. Racism is very real all across the world and it's not just a black/white issue. That's why I'm deliberately featuring a black female heroine in my next series as an opportunity to explore race in addition to other themes.

For me, as a fair-skinned black man I've had it from white and black people who say that I'm 'too black', 'not that black' or 'not black enough' or 'act white' for a start (don't get me started on the American jabs levelled at me). And my only answer to critics of my blackness is that 'I'm black enough to be hanged'.

Jim Crow rock in Dunoon, Scotland

I say this because under the Jim Crow segregation laws in the US (which only ended 60 years ago) regardless of how fair or dark you were, if you had 'just one drop' of black ancestry you were black and subject to the laws that dehumanised and diminished an entire race. And for those who don't think crazy stuff like that still happens in the UK, well, there's a 'Jim Crow' rock in Dunoon, Scotland with a minstrel face. They say it represents 'Our friend a "jack daw" crow'. Locals repaint it every year. Why does in not say jack daw then? And why does it's beak look like red lips? Who knows. The first (and last) time I visited the seaside town - a town that used to home an American Naval base in the 60s (just sayin) - I had a particularly bad experience when I tried to explain to local 'friends' about why it was upsetting.

Don't believe me? Let's break it down:

What does this

have to do with this?

Answer:

Don't be an idiot. Just change the name of the flipping rock!!

In the end, I've experienced just as much discrimination from people based on my race as any other black person. And there are people from other races in this country and others who've had it just as bad if not worse. But trying to validate your experiences by diminishing mine is something that I don't accept. We've all got our struggles so don't be a jerk. The same goes in literature. It's not about just one struggle for everyone. And for some, it doesn't really matter. But what does matter is being respectful of other's experiences and being happy.

Scotland v Italy score at rugby

So, here's me at my finest (a few years ago and a few stones lighter) ready for a rugby match at Murrayfield. Scotland may not be the best in the league (in fact I think we may have the most wooden spoons! Woohoo! We won something!) But the pride and atmosphere at Murrayfield during any match is well worth the visit.

Today, I was privaleged enough to be three rows off the pitch watching as Scotland battled Italy in the latest Six Nations match. But the biggest triumphs of rugby still happen off the pitch as the fans are the best in the world.

It was a harrowing match to say the least. As usual our boys in blue (well actually, Scotland's tops are red this season which I'm really against as the colours of the saltire are blue and white, but I digress) did well in the first half. Defence was holding back the competitionand. Italy's drives were putting the heat on our team and it was hard fought but we had our own finess and scored some tries. We topped of the first half at 16 - 15. Phew!

And then came the second half... There were mis-steps, forward passes, fumbles and all round school boy rugby from both sides and we managed to get a kick and hold Italy at 19 - 15 until the last 5 seconds (literally!).

Sadly, this is not uncommon. Scotland consistently deliver good rugby in one of the two halfs only. I personally feel that if they ran an incentive scheme like 'Every time you miss a pass or kick a ball and DON'T chase it you lose beer privaleges' the team would perform much better. Seriously, take away their beer and make them earn it back. But, the point is, I left 10 minutes before the end because they were probably going to blow it. Plus my partner had no keys to the flat and frankly I wanted to beat the crowd and not stick around for whatever trouncing was sure to follow as usual.

So, I headed to the Edinburgh tram stop right outside Murrayfield and bagged myself a seat.

'Oh, I hate leaving early,' one woman said. We commiserated as she had relatives stopping by even though they knew she had rugby on. Another woman had promised to deliver her son to her ex-husband at a certain time. Two chaps simply wanted to beat the queues in the pub. And there were also two random teenagers and some other guy with some other deadlines, and two Italians (fans of the opposing team) who were just too cold. We all sat talking and after having left Murrayfield, I logged into the tram's free wifi and pulled up BBC live on my phone.

And there 11 stranges watched the last 5 minutes of six nations rugby on a phone on a tram and laughed and commiserated together. When the Italians scored their last second try the Italians cheered. The Scots groaned and then congratulated their bretheren. 'In Scotland that means you buy the beer,' one guy said to one of the Italians.

We all laughed and departed one by one wishing each other a good evening and I left the tram feeling a sense of community and camaraderie I don't think you get in many other sports. We all bonded as strangers only connected by being rugby fans and slightly impatient travelers. We even wished the Italians safe travels and good luck for the rest of the tourney.

I'm not a big football supporter. I played it (soccer) back home and when I came to Scotland I started playing rugby because I am good at knocking things over. But the best part about the game to me is the spirit of it. People don't boo or harrass the other team (Actually, booing at rugby has crept in and I'm pleased that these people tend to get shooshed). We cheer good rugby and good sportsmanship and the best part of Scotland rugby is the fans. You can be just as great of friends with your rivals as you can with your own team. It's about loving the game and that's all.

So, grab yourself a beer and get yourself down to BT Murrayfield. Scotland may not have beat Italy in the latest Six Nations match. But it doesn't matter. We all won for having a good day out, it didn't rain (during the match) and it wasn't too cold. Say what you will about the dour Scots. But they know how to host a good time. Thanks Italy for being such good sports, and we'll get you next time! 

My ScotAmerican flag :)

Joint Hypermobility - chronic pain champions

What is it like to have joint hypermobility syndrome (or ehlers danlos hypermobility syndrome) on a cold icy-rainy day??


Yeah, kind of like that.

What is joint hypermobility syndrome?

What it feels like

It's a hereditary condition where your joints are over flexible (double jointed). Lots of people have it. Only about 10% of people experience pain from it.

Have you ever had a rubber band that was over stretched and just won't go back to it's original shape? That's what your joints and ligaments are like with HMS.

There's still not a lot of understanding about what causes it. Something to do with lack of collagen, stuff, blah. But, ultimately, the soft tissues in your body (eg ligaments, skin) don't work so good so your bones can shift and bend in ways they're not supposed to. Great if you're a dancer. However, for some of us mooks, it's like having your body pulled apart constantly. It affects little things like turning your head or sitting up. You can still do all these things. It just hurts like hell because my muscles are working over time and cramping because they're doing the work of holding me together (which is what the ligaments are supposed to do).

What's the craic?
Well, it's a hidden 'disability'. People don't believe you because you look healthy.

For me the hardest part is the exhaustion. I feel really sleepy a lot because I have to concentrate a lot to hold my posture, and mostly, not flip out on people because I have a muscle spasm every time I move. You also twitch a lot in your sleep from muscle spasms so the quality of your sleep is quite poor.

Me - a hypermobile hero

Sitting up all day at a desk at times can feel like running a marathon because it is a test of endurance. Now, imagine running a marathon while writing a press release, talking to people nicely and (trying) to be helpful.

Basically:
Chronic pain + not flipping out on people + living your life = Supernatural bad ass


What do I do?
On days like today I remind myself that I'm a beast at living - this world is my bitch. People with chronic pain are f-ing champions. If I get through the day without crying, screaming at someone or just plain giving up and falling over, then I'm a bloody superhero.

I will go home, cook myself some food (maybe wash dishes) and stretch, do some weights and relax. I'll lie down for sleep (which takes a helluva lot of effort when your back and neck are sore) do my breathing exercises and hopefully not wake up too often in the night when I roll over. And then tomorrow I'll go to the gym and exercise through the pain to strengthen my muscles because staying in shape, despite the desire to never move again, helps to keep this pain from conquering me.

I want to toast anyone who is living like a boss despite chronic pain. Even if it's just keeping your house clean you are kicking ass. Even if it's 'Hey, I didn't scream at anyone today,' you're doing great!

To my brethren with joint hypermobility  keep rocking and EDS. You are awesome.

Ehlers Danlos Hypermobility Syndrome (EDS): This and 'joint hymobility syndrome (HMS)' are very closely related and the diagnosis to differentiate between them can be up for grabs. HMS can be a symptom of EDH so get it checked out as the complications of EDS undiagnosed can be extreme.

Bull gores Morrissey

So, this is the second time in recent weeks and I've read a story that went like this:

'Blah blah blah, news.

'Blah blah blah, people were outraged that Morrissey said asinine thing number 1 billion blah blah blah.'
(And by "news" I mean it was a story sandwiched between 'Lady Gaga gets engaged' and 'East Enders star gives birth' about a guy getting gored by a bull and it had a picture of him literally riding a bull horn... not in a good way. It's pretty awesome.)

My question is 'Who is Morrissey and why do people pay attention to anything he says?'.

Of course he's a wanker! Look at him!

Seriously, I'm not being facetious. I really have no idea about this guy, his music, his cultural significance or why people give two tosses about what he says. I've seen him pop up as 'controversial' many times saying wanky things about other celebrities and people who eat meat the years. But, I've never been compelled to listen to his music (I'm pretty sure he's a musician. It's what wikipedia tells me), and aside from being easy on the eyes he doesn't seem to have any notable qualities aside from being an a-hole and making controversial statements.

I'm 30 sumthin and thought, maybe he's one of this young hip-hoppy pop stars like One Erection or Union Wank, so I asked the next youngest person in my office, 19, and she said 'Yeah, I have no idea who that is'. So I went to the bastion of culture which is the iTunes store and typed in Morrissey.

Nope - don't get it

First thing I realised was he is not the guy who sang Moon Dance.

Secondly, what came up was a selection of 'greatest hits' tunes that I had never heard of. At this point I usually go 'Oh yeah! I know this song.' That did not happen - not even after listening to my free 90 seconds of each track.

But, anyway, this isn't a tirade on Morrissey's music. I'm simply curious as to how I missed knowing about the music of this person that people seem to site as a bastion of crazy a-holeness and music myth? It could be because I'm from Connecticut. Maybe I'm the wrong generation and we have plenty of pop-culture a-holes already. But, no one is getting the opinion of Mylie Cyrus or Lady Gaga on world affairs because they're idiots. Hey, maybe the Spice Girls should weigh in on Isis or whaling...

Then I scrolled down the rest of the Wikipedia page and found out Morrissey was in The Smiths (ah attention span). And this made me wonder EVEN MORE why the hell any one listens to anything he says? Clearly he's an idiot.

So, how did he get to the point where anyone takes anything he says seriously? The formula is simple:
(Alanis Morrissette - 'Alanis' - 'tte' + 'y') + great hair + (a little more psuedo-political nonsense x British accent) + repressed British lack of hugs + wealth = this guy

He's an asshole - stop listening to him talk

Thanks, Obama care.

Basically, this man is paid to make music, not talk... or think... or be a decent human being. Stop listening to what he has to SAY. His views are not important. He has his opinions. You have yours. And, I'm pretty sure yours don't matter either, so why should his? If he were less handsome and gay he'd be Perez Hilton. Actually, that was too mean. No one is that bad.

I don't even disagree with some of the things he says. But, come on, he's makes a habit of saying inflammatory things. Stopped being shocked! He's an a-hole and likes it that way!

Seriously, if you see Morrissey, give him a hug and tell him it will be ok. And to Morrissey I say: We get it - you're a vegetarian! Kids today may have no idea who you but he doesn't have to try to impress us by being an a-hole. We have enough of those. Maybe just, open a puppy farm. And keep being handsome.

I think I have a crush on Morrissey.

And for your troubles, here is the picture about the guy and the bull making terrible frightening love to each other

I had a Visage of love

A Visage of love

Michelle Visage. Need I say more? Probably not...

But I will.

I officially retired as a Big Brother fan after season 7 in 2006. I watched in horror and shock as Nikki Grahame ("Who IS she?!") and a cast of characters whom I was certain needed some kind of therapy cavorted, cracked-up and stewed, locked inside their Petri dish of crazy, all for our enjoyment. I wondered when some mental health agency would intervene on behalf of these clearly insane people and shut it down. But when help never came and the finale arrived (Yes, I watched to the end. I'm only human!) I chastised myself for sating my gladitorial vouyearism in such a way and turned away from the muppet show-like bedlam of Big Brother for good.

Enter Michelle Visage.

My amnesty on BB was broken when none other than the glittering Michelle Visage sashayed into the big eye's domain. My loyalty in this instance was more towards mama RuPaul who has kept me entranced over the last six series of RuPaul's Drag Race (check back for why RDR is in no way as damaging a petri dish as BB). But, what we found in the Lady Visage was an LGBTQ champion like none other.

Now, for those of you who haven't been watching, this has been one of the most controversy riddled seasons of any BB series. Not only is the notorious nose, Katie Hopkins, in the house. But she has squared off against the neolithic-browed man-child, Perez Hilton. But, I won't give too much air time to either of these headline grabbing monstrosities (Maybe they're nice people. Not my issue. I'm judging them on what they say and do publicly because, you know, internet).

So, when Michelle was drizzled into the mix like a delicious dollop of cream I just knew she was going to be the Xena Warrior Princess of the series, shutting down lunacy and bad behaviour with a ferocious cry. But, what we got from her, though, was something so unexpected and special that I'm kvelling.

Michelle Visage is by far one of the classiest champions for LGBTQ people EVER!

She does not shout. She does not put down. She does not goad. She says what she stands for and lives the example that she expects others to set. Now, you may not agree with her message. But the way she delivers it has to be applauded.

In the face of some serious lewd behaviour from some people in the LGBTQ community in the CBB house, it's refreshing to see someone who stands up for equality and inclusion in a way that I can be proud of. I remember when his royal tweakedness George Michael got arrested the first time for cottaging and came out with 'Outside'. I was like 'Hell yeah'. Own it. Turn it on it's head. Make a disco record. But then we he got caught AGAIN he went on to say that he was a 'gay hero' standing up for 'our' lifestlye. Hang on, George, cottaging is not part of my lifestyle. It's your choice, yes. And being gay is totes cool. But, do not speak for me and my lifestyle. Also, your dumb ass got caught. But, just like straight couples who swing do not speak for all straight people, you do not speak for me and are certainly no hero Bonnie Tyler would recognise.

Let's break it down:
[(cottaging + getting arrested) x 2] + drug addiction ≤ gay heroism

Now, I firmly believe that if we are to be equals in society we have to understand that gay people can be just as crazy, awful and down right nasty as straight people (every body has an inner freak). But at a time when we're still fighting for acceptance, with the platform of celebrity comes responsibility, Spider-Man. Growing up black in a mostly white community, my parents always taught me I had to be better to even be seen as equal. And this is unfortunately still the position for many minorities including LGBTQ people. So, in the CBB house when there's such disgusting antics of sexual harassment by gay men it's a relief to see such a measured and well-composed counterpoint.

So if it takes two to make a thing go right, what is the equation for aspirational gay iconography?
[(dignity + honesty) x some god-given good sense] + speaking your mind  / humility + glitter = Someone people can admire 
(NOTE: There is no way that you can actually be Michelle Visage. You can only try to not let her down.)

Actually, it doesn't take two to make a thing go right. Just one. So, I salute you Mama Visage. You are showing your fierceness with the quiet dignity of a lioness sunbathing on the Serengeti, letting the punk-ass warthogs run around making fools of themselves because you don't need to sweat it. They'll be lunch meat soon enough. Thank you for representing yourself so well, but more importantly, doing it in the name of the LGBTQ community so we have another positive role model.

After CBB? I'll be looking forward to Logo TV airing Season 7 of RuPaul's Drag Race. I'll need my Visage fix. But until then I'm rooting for the Lady Visage to win. Why because she's not just entertaining but stands for something. And I'm happy to say (sorry, Mama Ru) I'm now officially 'Haus of Visage'.

PS: Just in case you're wondering, when the day comes my official drag name will 'Miss Diagnosed' - MissDee for short ;-) Trademarked!

Fry and Sonny - the equation of marriage

Stephen Fry, comedian, actor and my favourite dandy, announced his marriage to husband Elliott Spencer and Twitter was all a flutter with congratulations (me among them) to the pair. And, as well they should. Mr Fry looks incredibly happy and Elliott looks... stunned.

Now, I have to admit I "heart" Stephen Fry. I like a man with a big brain and honestly, given a shot I'd probably go there because it's Stephen-frickin-Fry!! Who wouldn't take the chance to spend more time in the company of this big brainy boffin.  But, I'll admit, when I saw the age difference between them I was shocked!

Now, age ain't nothing but a number. Old dudes get with young girls and dudes all the time. But, like any of those situations, my eyebrow nearly jumped off my face with skepticism. Mr Fry is very open about his struggles with bipolar disorder. I watched in awe during his specials on his love of gadgets and the ferver with which he procures and then forgets about them. I'm not saying Elliott is a gadget. But, I do wonder how much in common a 57 and 27 year old have and how long that will last. Also they've only been dating a year.

Is it just me or is this the cat who got the slightly dazed and ambivalent cream?

As many respectable gays do, when I was 27 I had a thing for daddies. But I also had SERIOUS issues that needed to be worked through. Elliott is a 27 year old comedian who has his career and a wealth of experiences before him. No doubt being married to Mr Fry will come with it's share of perks but also challenges that he may or may not be equipped to deal with. 

I've seen the age difference work for many people. But the, so far, successful ones took years and years of getting to know each other and dating before they even broached the subject of cohabitation, let alone marriage.

Maybe life moves faster as a celebrity. But let's boil it down equation style:

Age difference / length of time known x (bipolar fickleness + adolescent fickleness) = marriage?

I just want to reiterate that I adore Stephen Fry. I consider him an icon, a hero and someone who, sweet lord, I want to be like. I genuinely hope it goes well and that it is something deeper and more meaningful than it looks. I can't comprehend it but it clearly is working for them. Mr Fry is a champion for gay rights and mental health awareness and he deserves all the happiness in the world (and hopefully he wants to be my friend because he's Stephen-frickin-Fry!After all it's not my place to cast aspersions or comment on his love life and choices. But, you know... internet.