Gay is ok - My first time

I was recently moving all of my crap into storage and came across some of my older writing journals. This one in particular was around the time that I came out. After laughing and cringing at some of the passages I came across an entry from 18 August 2002, the day after my first time!

Me - 25 August 2002

It read:

August 18, 2002
Well, it finally happened. I had sex last night. It definitely made me realise that next time I want it to be with someone I know better and care about.

I met this guy Patrick (not his real name) in a bar. He's a teacher at (a local high school) actually. He was nice enough and very cute. We started out dancing, close. Then kissing. He was very strong and I liked that. Although we did it w/o a condom which was THE DUMBEST THING EVER. I can't believe I let that happen. I told him I didn't have any [protection]. He said okay. But then later asked if I was sure that I didn't have any 'preventatives'. Then the whole 'I'm clean. You're clean,' went on. And yeah. Now I have to wait six months before I get AIDS tested (I tested negative btw). I am going to. Even if I'm praying I don't (have HIV) I deserve to be nervous for doing a stupid stupid thing.

I don't know if I want to do this whole 'gay' thing. After finally going through with it - plus with Sunday's sermon of the suffering of Christ - I'm beginning to remember why I turned to God. It felt good knowing someone wanted me - and still feels good. But it was completely unsatisfying. When Patrick left I felt hollow. I didn't want him to stay, but I didn't want him to go. I don't know.

I can really only think of the the few time I felt good and whole and they were all with people who felt like family. I don't know if I want to piss off God just for sex. Although, like I said, it felt good to have someone to lay there with. Is it possible to have a gay relationship with no sex? Just lots and lots of cuddling and kissing? Is that a sin? I guess the kissing maybe.

Arg! I don't know. But I definitely don't want to do it again. Especially not after just meeting some guy in a bar. But, I think I'll call Patrick. Mainly because I don't want to feel like a one night stand.

Afterwards, he told me that I looked like someone famous or maybe I just looked like I should be famous. That felt good.

Some of my 'coming out journal' entries read more like
the confessions of a convicted felon instead of
just a confused kid

I was asked ages ago why I titled my blog 'Getting over Christian guilt'. The reasons are actually quite simple:

1) I thought it was a provocative title

2) A lot of my adult life has been about learning to get over guilt, much of which I learned growing up in the church.

That is not to say that the church is bad. Much of who I am and the good that I try to stand for I learned growing up in the church. And lots of people learn guilt from places that have nothing to do with Christianity (I think Buddhism might be the only religion that could be excluded from any such blog title). But, as I read through the journal, there was so much sadness and guilt about how my sexuality made me a bad person which directly linked to what I believed was a Christian vs Gay dilemma.

However, from my current perspective, when I read this entry it shook something loose about how much I've grown and changed in my life by learning to deal with guilt in a healthy way. I'm currently dealing with a break up and the loss of a relationship. I'm literally rearranging my life as I had to move in a flat mate. I have been scrutinising my career choices and how I might get to a place where I'm more content professionally. I'm finishing an unrepresented novel that I will likely self-publish as I'm too scared to deal with agents' rejection. And, generally, I'm feeling wholly disappointed with my life choices. But reading what 19-year-old me was dealing with really helped put a lot of things into perspective.

1) If you can't love yourself...

I like myself now. I mean, I feel like crap. At the moment I'm over/underwhelmed (just whelmed?) with the things in my life and am a bit of an exploding ball of needy. But, it's just the situation I'm unhappy with, not with myself. And that's a pretty big deal. I've made the right choices (or the best ones I can) and I have the foundation to keep myself together and the tools I need to change my life when I'm ready. I know I'm a good person who is deserving of good things. Younger me was struggling to find meaning and validation from religion, others, the activities I was part of and anything in between. Now, the only meaning I need is 'have I been good to myself' which means keeping healthy, spending time with people who love me and occasionally sitting in bed with Chinese food and a DVD on my own.

2) Forgive but don't forget

The best thing I've done in my life is learn to forgive myself. I spent so long being angry at myself because of what I felt and what I was told was wrong. But, what I have learned is that I have to make myself happy. And I shouldn't be angry at myself for doing the things that would make me happier in the end, no matter how hard they were.

3) God is love

God doesn't give a crap about who I love. I've read the Bible cover to cover (seriously). And there are so many passages that we ignore on a daily basis. And, when you look at the historical context of many of those 'laws' they make sense but not in today's context. The fundamentals of Christianity are love: Love yourself. Love others. Be better than your inner ape.

4) Baby, look how far we've come!

Presenting at Scottish LGBTI Awards in Glasgow

People always say "If only I knew then what I know now." Well, you DO know it now. And the only vindication your younger self can have is to live better knowing what you know. 

19-year-old me would be so freaking proud of now me. I moved 5,000 miles away to Edinburgh, Scotland, got a master's degree in the thing that I love and I'm a writer, weaving the stories I always dreamed I would. More importantly, that thing that I was so scared and guilty about, I've used to make a difference. I was so honoured that I was asked to present 'Media Outlet of the Year' at the first Scottish LGBTI awards. I've used my bad experiences to start an LGBTI+ network at work and have volunteered for years to help with LGBT outreach. I took all those fears and turned them into something that will help other people so that, hopefully, they don't have to experience the same guilt and fear I did.

5) Fearlessness

I'm a natural worrier. I'm like a Level-10-black-belt Six-Sigma Nervous Nelly (I hope no one takes offence to that). So much of my guilt and sadness was from fear of loss: losing God's love, my family, my friends, coming under ridicule. I know now that a lot of my impatience is borne of fear of missing out - what if someone gets the sweetie instead of me. Well, there will be another one. Fear will always be there and in some ways it's keeps us safe (maybe prudence). But, what I have learned is what NOT to be afraid of. I've lost friends and family and I'm still here. It sucks but you go on. And that is something I'm happy to have learned. 

So, why do I write this blog? Why do I share these things that make me cringe (and my poor mother)? Well, I hope that somewhere out there someone else is reading it and thinking 'that sounds like me' and maybe, just maybe, they don't feel so alone. And maybe they'll come out of their shell and not be afraid and guilty and lonely and like themselves a little bit more because they're not the only one.

As always, here's the only equation to loving yourself that makes sense to me:

[(Being gay + Christianity/time passed(love of those around you)) + positive role models (lots of therapy) - bad experiences x (alchohol/alcohol fueled good times with friends) + good times with friends] + a healthy dose of distance = loving yourself