Why I can't watch English rugby

English rugby fans are known for singing "Swing Low Sweet Chariot" as one of their 'victory' songs. But, as a Black American and rugby supporter, I just can't stomach the sound of it. When I hear it I recoil in the same way as when people have hurled racial abuse at me on the bus.

The Fisk Singers were the first to perform "Swing Low"

I've felt this way about the song for a long time but hadn't been able to articulate why it incensced me so much. Then I read a great article about 'Spirituals are the songs of slavery - here's why it's important who sings them' and it helped me crystalise my ideas on the subject and why.

What is "Swing Low"?

Elijah getting raptured like a boss

Swing Low Sweet Chariot is an African-American spiritual based on the biblical story of Elijah.
"2 Kings 2:11 - And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." Then he dropped his mantle back down to Elisha - the first mic drop of history

The song is believed to have been originally sung by Wallace Willis when he was still a slave and transcribed for the the Fisk Jubilee Singers. The group then brought the song, as well as some of Willis' other songs, to prominence. As with many spirituals, Willis' songs were likely learned while at church or working in the fields. 

Why slaves sang

Slaves weren't allowed to congregate outside of church on Sunday. In fact, when African slaves were first brought to America they were deliberately split up from people who spoke the same language so that they couldn't communicate or remember practices and traditions from their homeland. Children of slaves were often taken from their parents and sold as well.

However, songs and melodies transcended this lack of common background and music soon developed as a way of communicating, and new aural traditions were born. Singing not only helped pass the time while enduring inhuman work conditions, it allowed them to communicate feelings, beliefs, and later pass on secret messages. 

Better off dead

"Swing Low Sweet Chariot" is a song about belief in the after life and deliverance from the horrors of slavery. It exclaims "I looked over Jordan and what did I see? A band of angels coming after me (coming for to a carry me home)." The song, as in many spirituals, is about the unshakeable belief in a better after life. It's a plea to be taken "home" to heaven - a plea for death.

Spirituals are songs charged with history. My enslaved ancestors' dichotomous spirit of defiance and despair; hope and hopelessness still shakes me to my core. To know that they still had hope despite the horrific conditions they lived under shows a fortitude of character and spirit that I don't think most of us could muster today.

Most spirituals have a common thread of the after life being a promise of something better - a reward for the pain suffered in life. It's pretty grim, but impressive that they managed to stay alive (and sane) through it.

So what's my beef with English rugby

It's not that 'other people' can't sing the song. But, it should be sung with the understanding of what it means and in tribute to the people who created it. It's not a rugby chant for a bit of levity to be sung by a bunch of people who's ancestors were responsible for people needing to create the song in the first place. It'd be like the ex who cheated on you reading your mournful break up poetry as a toast to their new bride.

Better yet, imagine your mopey teen daughter singing "soon I will be done with the troubles of the world" - another actual spiritual. You'd be pretty worried wouldn't you? Then if she actually died, imagine they start singing the song down the pub as part of a drinking game?

A song that encompasses the hope and horror of slavery, a period in history who's affects are still being felt in our culture, can't really be divorced from the context because a bunch of people want it to.

Conversation with actual English rugby fan
"We're proud of our song," - It's not your song.
"It's not about slavery," - Oh yes it is.
"But that's not what we're singing about," - My point exactly
"It's just a song," - Yeah? And a hijab is technically just a piece of cloth. But y'all are still mad about people trying to wear them. Other people's culture is either meaningful or not. You can't have it both ways?
"But we started singing it to celebrate a black guy who scored tries," - What the actual f**k? (seriously, look up Chris Oti). That kind of makes it worse.

Apparently, the Oti thing is only part of the story. It's reported that a group of fans from Market Bosworth in England helped kick it off in 1988 and it's stuck ever since.

"No body really knew what it was or where it came from. It just sort of became the anthem for the supporters of the England team." Well, I do know where it came from and it's not about your team "being under the cosh".

I'm not saying there's ever been any ill-intention. But, that doesn't make me less sad to hear it misappropriated. A bunch of white dudes trying to win at sports ball isn't at all equal to the desire of a repressed race deciding being dead will be a relief from life.

Cultural imperialism

You can't just have it because you want it. Some things come with baggage. It's not that you can't appreciate it or celebrate it. But sometimes it's not appropriate to use. For example, even though the 'N' word is used by black rappers and Eminem grew up in mostly black neighbourhoods and is a rapper, he still won't use the 'N' word. Why? Because it's not appropriate. It's not his word to reclaim.

England's history of colonisation and cultural appropriation is obvious to anyone who's read a history book. And, guess what? The original Americans were English. Americans are your bratty long lost cousin. They went to American, murdered the natives, then came back across the water, kidnapped a bunch of other folks, then put them to work as slaves.

So much of our culture in both American and Britain are infact parts that we've absorbed through our multicultural heritage. The problem is the refusal to acknowledge and respect the backgrounds that bring them to us, or a lack of understanding of and an inability to own up to the places where that history caused hurt.

Sadly, Brexit for some was a demonstration of the overwhelming lack of understanding. Everybody loves curry and shampoo. But some people still have issue with Indian neighbours. Well, the sad news is all the brown people you want gone are here because you took over their countries and were forced to have reciprocal immigration policies. They're not going to go away because of the European Union.

What to do with English rugby?

I don't think anything's going to change because some opinionated Black guy writes a blog about it. I either don't watch England matches or watch with the sound off (don't get me started on the crazy biased commentary as well). Because when I hear a big ol' group of English fans sing "Swing low" it's like hearing them use the 'N' word. Cutlture was stolen from my ancestors. But, despite the worst odds and conditions, they continued to hope and dream and be creative and stay strong. They carried bits of their heritage inside of them. Then they took the words and worship that were available to them and assembled something new and amazing.

And now someone has stolen that.

My superhero'mo - Iceman

Art by Kevin Wada

Bobby Drake, Iceman, has been part of the X-Men since the beginning (first published 1963). He’s gone from snow covered popsicle to omega-level all-powerful ice wizard. Some 52 years later, in November 2015 (Uncanny X-men #600) a dream came true – Iceman, my all-time favourite X-man, came out. (Side note: This is also the issue in which Colossus became a total daddy bear and I just died!)


“In the end, the thing that makes him a hero isn’t being able to freeze enemies with a flick of his wrist - it’s the courage to be himself.”

For years Bobby was the laughable lothario, dating and breaking up with women as often as X-Men die and are resurrected. He was known to be terrible at relationships, never taking them seriously. But, when his younger self is brought to the future and comes out, the older Bobby is thrust out of the closet.

Iceman meets young Iceman who decides to come out

This year, Iceman has his own series exploring his coming out and the glacial pace it takes to learn to make peace with it.

Why should you read it?

Modern dating sucks

This is such a touching, real, and beautifully arced story about accepting who you really are with people who expect you to be something else.

Marvel comics, and X-Men in particular, have always reflected the very real current struggles in society. Civil Rights, immigration, HIV, xenophobia are just a few of the topics that Marvel have weighed in on, promoting tolerance and understanding.

Iceman’s coming out story is so well done – showing the repercussions, revelations and healing that coming out can bring.

“There are super villains getting punched in addition to some hard hitting home truths”

Fact: There’s more support for people coming out now than ever before. However, for many, it’s still a struggle. There’s still fear of persecution but an even bigger fear is “disappointing” other people. There are so many expectations that you, your friends and family, have for your life. To some, being gay, is an end to that promised future.

Young Iceman's first kiss with bf Romeo

The Iceman series explores that struggle with care. It’s not preaching, it doesn’t provide any answers, it just paints a literal picture of a person’s life as they recognise that their life will be different once they embrace who they are – but ultimately it will be better.

I’d recommend anyone, gay, straight, trans, intersex, religious, or anything else read this. It’s about a journey to embrace who you are and what it’s like to tell the people around you of that new reality. Plus, there’s super villains getting punched in addition to some hard hitting home truths.

Why is this important?

When I was a kid the gay role models out there were nothing like me. Even worse, many were tragic figures who looked on their lives with regret. Being gay was a terrifying death sentence.

Here we see a bonafide super hero struggling against something that so many of us do. Iceman shows that even the strongest of us find it difficult to be our authentic selves. It’s a very personal, very real, and very dangerous fight that you aren’t exempt from even if you have super powers. And, in the end, the thing that makes him a hero isn’t being able to freeze enemies with a flick of his wrist - it’s the courage to be himself.

There are many out gay superheroes in the Marvel verse. So, this is not uncharted territory. But, never before has the saga that is the “coming out process”, especially later in life, been so thoughtfully and thoroughly explored.

“Coming out is a journey, a process of small steps and heroic admissions that happen every day.”

This series investigates how Iceman’s personal revelation affects his relationships with his friends, family, exes, his teammates and even his performance as a happy and whole person in the workplace (battle field).

So often coming out is portrayed as a grand gesture, covered in an issue or two as a side story and then we move on. But, really, coming out is a journey, a process of small steps and heroic admissions that happen every day.

And, for some, the first coming out is a genuine battle.

Bobby is no stranger to danger. And the book uses his literal battles against villains as an allegory to the struggle of coming out. It’s a poetic vision of the very real feelings of struggle.

Here's more about Northstar, Marvel's premiere supherheromo

Coming out later in life is hard!

Kitty Pryde, friend (and former girlfriend) by Kevin Wada

Bobby has a string of broken-hearted exes and parents who were never too cool with his ‘life style’ as a mutant. So, when he comes out it reverberates through all of his relationships.

Like an alcoholic Bobby is dragged around to all of his exes and friends apologising for not telling them (which I don’t agree with). This becomes part of the narrative. Kitty Pryde, Iceman’s ex who is also now his boss, says to his parents "Bobby's had to spend the last few months listening to what everyone thinks about him, processing how we're all affected by something that must be incredibly challenging for him to deal with... no one's really be asking how Bobby is coping." But, even her reaction, before acceptance, was one of hurt and offence that he didn’t come out the ‘right way’ to her.

For many of the people in Iceman’s life, they feel like part of their life was a lie, as if his secret was vindictive. This is so important for people to see – those who are coming out or the people who love them.

When you come out the people in your life have to adjust to the reality of the new you. It would be great if everyone was like, “Whatever, no big deal”. But that’s not the case. It is a big deal, especially the older you get.

For as long as it takes you to come to your truth, the people around you may need time to adjust. It’s not all pride parades and cakes. Sometimes there are very negative and hurtful reactions.

For people to see and understand this is important. It not only helps those who might be facing the same challenge, but also for the people who want to support them.

Changing lives with one simple act

Iceman has always been and will continue to be my favourite superhero. Now, in ways that I never could have imagined as a kid, his story has created in me a sense of excitement and pride. The hero that I connected with, saw much of myself in, is even more like me.

I’ve seen how sharing your own story of struggle can help other people. So, it’s reaffirmed my faith in the comics and their ability to uplift and really make changes. And it’s reaffirmed my faith in myself, that the bravery I exhibit every day by just being myself and the work I do to encourage it in others matters.

It’s my hope that somewhere out there is a kid, reading this book, thinking, “If Iceman can do it, so can I.”

Why is Iceman my favourite X-man?

Young Beast and Beast

Iceman and Beast are actually my favourite two X-men. One is funny, classic boy next door, and can keep your drink cold. He uses humour to combat the issues that plague his life. He’s the geeky, obnoxious little brother of the team - the outsider trying to get in. For as powerful as he is, he was always afraid of that power and downplayed his abilities to try and fit in. I saw a lot of myself in him.

The other, Beast, is big, brainy, brawny and hairy. He’s like the giant blue bear of my dreams. But really, his brutish exterior belied the genius within. His mutation is his agilty and bestial hands and feet. But his greatest power is his mind. I loved that seeming contradiction. His personal struggle resonated with me as a young black kid. There’ve been many situation in my life where people underestimated my intelligence because of the way that I looked.

She's a little be murdery but I still love her

My other all time X-man is Marrow. She's not a mainstay but there was something about her plight and powers that I identified with. Her powers are spontaneous bone growth that cause constant pain. But, she uses these powers which seem pretty crap to be one of the most vicious fighters. She battled to become the no nonsense leader of the Morlocks. My struggle with hypbermobility syndrome has meant having to live with pain. But I always think, if Marrow can be a badass and get stuff done, so can I. She’s also a little bit insane but I try not to think about that. 

And here’s a picture of Colossus with his beard… ‘nuff said.

Tell me you wouldn't

Guide to the Edinburgh Festival for people with social anxiety

Every year the festival lands on Edinburgh - an extra-terrestrial onslaught of forced whimsy and subpar, self-indulgent self-promotion (says the man with a blog).

As a local and anxiety riddled human it can be a time of extreme frustration, sun deprivation (more than usual) and a the sentence 'why are there so many f**ing idiots here' on repeat a la Britney Spears circa 1999.

What is the Edinburgh Festival?

The Edinburgh Festival is actually comprised of several festivals - The International Festival, The Fringe Festival, The Book Festival, and many many MANY other fringe fringe festivals. The city becomes a colourfully steaming pile of performers, wannabes (eg people who need to prove to their parents that they do have talent while living off hand-outs from mum), tourists, idiots, sycophants and culture?

Frankly it's exhausting.

Normally, about 260,000 people (over half of Edinburgh's population) live within 4km of the castle. During the festival there are an additional 100,000 people flocking to the city, many of whom will  stay within that area to feel the full benefit of the festival brouhaha.

For anyone who has any sort of aversion or difficulty in dealing with crowds the city becomes an impassable gauntlet of fear and trauma - NO! I do not want your flier!

So, how do you survive and possibly even *gasp* enjoy the festival?

Step 1: Develop a good pissed off face (your mean mug)

I call this my 'angry black man' face. Admittedly it works much better in the US but the sentiment of 'Don't talk to me' is international.

Yay... the festival...

How can you achieve your pissed off look?

I like to think of the generations of oppression, murder and brutality that kept my ancestors enslaved and the continued persecution of black people - particularly police brutality and the tacit (and not so tacit) underestimation of us.

Don't take it too far

The trick is have a simmering rage - the kind that looks like you might actually cut someone (or yourself) if someone even talks to you. If there's one thing I've learned about the Brits it's that they DO NOT want to deal with emotions. In that sense looking world weary and totally overwhelmed can work but only if you can muster and maintain a watery eye for the duration of your trip through town.

You don't want to go too pissed off or you'll look demented and people might think it's some kind of performance. And if they think you're one of them you're done for!

See what works for you!

Step 2: Avoid 'those' sort of people

If it don't got no red bottom -
it ain't Louboutin!

Avoid people (colleagues, 'friends', family) who ask questions like 'what are you seeing in the festival?' Screw you! You don't know me. The festival is not the only point of culture in Scotland. And, yes, I'm going to see Wonder Woman AGAIN! The Festival is bloody expensive.

Fair enough if they ask 'if' you are going to see something. But avoid 'those' sorts of people who believe they're the pinnacle of culture. You know who I'm talking about - that Fiona in HR who talks loudly about her holiday to Marbella and has one pair of Louboutins that her boyfriend got her (when she caught him cheating btw) - her! Shun these people even harder in August.

Step 3: Don't look at posters 

These are pretty much the worst. 70% of them were done in Photoshop by a friend of a friend who happens to have a bootleg copy of creative suite on their computer. They're often sad and imploring - begging you to like them. Or worse just comedians making silly faces because clearly their derp face is enough for you to give them £20!

These posters are a mixture of:

• false, smug satisfaction - "I dared to try!"
• begging - "Please! I need the money!"
• crippling insecurity - "Laugh, Mommy, I'm funny! mommy... mommy?..."
• terror that this "opportunity" will bankrupt them (or make their parents reduce their trust fund)

I'd love to say these should be avoided because they're bad. But, mostly, they will make you feel guilty. Inanimate and two dimensional or not these are people begging you!


If you're like me you feel an overwhelming sense of guilt for not helping these sad sacks. And you'll face at least three dozen of these jamokes just by nipping to the shops for some milk. I feel like it's my fault they got fired from their vegan café job because they took the summer off to 'really try to make it work'.

It's not your fault they suck. You don't deserve the added pressure and guilt. Get your blinders, headphones and mean mug on and batter through. Even better, avoid major roads until absolutely necessary.

Step 4: Get the guide

The Fringe guide is free - or check out the Fringe online. Flip through and look for something you'd like to see. DO NOT go to the ticket office on the High Street except to pick up tickets. You'll end up in A&E or jail or sleeping with some unwashed hipster performer. How? I don't know. The overwhelming rage and terror will descend and mayhem will ensue. With the guide you can sit at home looking through a full-colour illustrated book. It's a relaxing activity and you can laugh at all the tourists who don't have the chance to plan ahead.

Then throw it out (recycle it). The reminder of it on your coffee table will make you feel bad. Unless you have guests coming then it will make you look cultured and like a good host for offering the guilt to those lazy culture dumpsters who also won't see anything.

Step 5: Go out and see something

The noise and crowds are a pain when you're trying to live your day to day life. But take some time to find one show you actually want to see and partake in the frivolity. All of these tourists are on vacation and don't understand why their stupid coffee order is holding up a line of very VERY angry Scots. And you won't beat them (unless you actually do, in which case you won't have to deal with the festival because you'll be in jail). So, join them for a little while. Take a day or two off, go to dinner, see a show, take your time and enjoy the holiday atmosphere.

Step 6: Just say no

Just say no to mimes!

Say NO to people who say "Come see my show". Again, it's guilt. Not acknowledging their request seems easier but it will mess you up.

Even if you don't accidentally look them in the eye ignoring them will make you:

• feel guilty for ignoring them (top of the spiral)
• worry you've hurt their feelings (sliding down the spiral)  
• think they think they're crap and hate their lives and have a crappy performance and give up their dreams just like your father did to you (welcome to the bottom of the spiral)

Just say 'NO'. They're taking a chance. They've asked you a question. You have every right to answer it. You don't have to scream it at them. Or do scream at them. I don't care. They'll probably use it as material for their one man show.


This year I'm making it a game. Every person who asks me to see their show I'm going to ask to take a picture of them and tweet it with a Donald Trump hashtag. I think it will be fun. OMG I've made my own Fringe show! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Step 7: Avoid town at all other times

No one lives on Princes St. You do NOT have to go into the town centre during August. You will not get into your favourite restaurant or pub. Order stuff online. Go to that other Boots. It may be 10 minutes further away but you'll be saving yourself time and frustration in the end. At most you might have to pass through town. And to that end...

Step 8: Leave 15 minutes early

If you're going through town for any reason leave 15 minutes earlier than normal. Otherwise you will damage your already fragile 'OK' bubble. You think, "10 minutes should be enough". It's really not. Being 5 minutes early is the worst that could happen and you won't arrive in a puddle of panic.

Step 9: See the military tattoo

The Royal Edinburgh Military Tattoo is incredible. See it at least once if you can. You'll feel incredibly patriotic and warm and fuzzy about Scotland even if it's cold and raining.

Overall
The Festival period can be exciting and exhausting. If you take care of yourself and your mental health you can make it through the season without screaming and chasing someone dressed as a medieval jester down the street with a rolled up newspaper, you've won.

Take it easy. Be happy. And don't let people pressure you into doing stuff you don't want to.

Freak Show - LGBTQ review

If ‘Mean Girls’ and ‘Rocky Horror’ and ‘Saved!’ got together in an open marriage and raised a slightly entitled but ultimately endearing child - 4/5 stars

An excellent film with strong LGBTQ themes ‘Freak Show’ will particularly find a home within the community and strike a serious chord with the millennial generation.

Adapted from the James St James (‘Party Monster’) novel, gender-bending, bullying, identity and belonging are all handled here with the expected amount of care and fabulousness. Trudy Styler’s directorial debut shows some signs of an inaugural project shot on a 22 day schedule. While an adept producer (‘Snatch’, ‘Filth’), Styler’s direction is slightly uneven. However, she successfully creates a moody, poignant and endearing film thanks largely to the casting of Alex Lawther ('Imitation Game', 'X+Y') as the main character, Billy Bloom.

Lawther’s performance is powerfully etherial. It deserves the type of iconic status lauded on Tim Curry and Guy Pearce in similar LGBTQ roles. Billy’s loud, he’s fabulous and so beautifully nuanced you’d hardly believe he wasn’t that queer* kid you knew in high school destined to be a New York trendsetter.

“Gender-obliterator” Billy

Alex Lawther is outstanding as Billy Bloom

With more than a smattering of Oscar Wilde quotes, the film sees Billy Bloom in a classic ‘fish out of water’ story. “Gender-obliterator” Billy is slightly unsympathetic at first as he moves from Connecticut to a small Virginia town. His fabulous mother, Bette Midler, whom he calls ‘Muv’, has armed him with a wardrobe of wigs and gowns as he’s sent to live with father, Larry Pine, whom Billy refers to as ‘Daddy’. It’s almost unbearable to watch as Billy preens and ‘hey-girl-heys’ his way through the first day of school. However, this is a reflection of his character - the caricature every teenager feels they need to play to be accepted.


After his mis-step Billy’s true heart is revealed. “I was used to being hated by some people. But not everyone,” we hear in voice-over as he privately rages in his wing of the house.

Category is – High school queer boy realness

'Freak Show' takes new stilettoed steps on
the well-trod teen dramady path

From there ‘Freak Show’ follows a well-worn story line but adds unexpected tweaks. AnnaSophia Robb ('Charlie and the Chocolate Factory', 'Race to Witch Mountain') is exquisitely endearing as more than forgettable fag-hag, solely known as ‘Blah Blah Blah’ or possibly, Mary-Jane. I can’t remember. Abigial Breslin (‘Little Miss Sunshine’, 'Zombieland') plays the holier-than-thou cheerleader homecoming queen, Lynette. We even get the queer-boy fantasy trope of the kindly jock, Flip Kelly, who might be gay played by Ian Nelson ('The Best of Me', 'The Boy Next Door'). It all paints a slightly more beautifully complex picture of reality than you’d expect.

But, that’s the problem. The film is painting us a picture in black light neon colours but telling us it's a photograph. It wants desperately to be authentic but sketches so many pastiche figures that it would lend itself more to satire than earnest. The jock, the mean girl, the overtly camp gay kid - it’s all so obvious at the start. But, the choice of direction is not. There are either too many winks to camera or not enough.

We get Lavern Cox who is radiant as the local reporter. Even John McEnroe, Styler’s real-life neighbour, is well placed as a sort of campy but sincere gym coach. It’s all very John Waters. But, the audience is only in on it some of the time, seeing the world through Billy’s sequinned Louis Vuitton spectacles. Other times we’re given the detached modern-punk-quirk docu-style grit that we’ve seen before from the film’s editor, Sarah Flack (‘Lost in Translation’, ‘Marie Antoinette’ and basically every Sophia Coppola flick). Tonally it doesn’t all hang together and the start of the film falls somewhere in between tongue-in-cheek and opera.

YASS, bish! Slay!

Alright, Mr DeMille, I'm ready for my close up!

The film hit its stride once Billy and Flip’s friendship begins. Billy’s other-ness gains media attention and some traction in changing the hearts and minds of his classmates. Here, in the spotlight, Billy and his story ‘bloom’ and we really begin to feel the fantasy!

The young cast all pop in their individual performances. All around great guy/heart throb Flip can be a bit one note. And the comedy of Breslin’s Lynette is a bit hit and miss. But her prom queen speech is spot on with direct quotes from Donald Trump’s crib sheet.

The seasoned actors who take on the adult roles made the heartfelt moments mesmerising. Casting Celia Weston as the maid, Florence, kept this steady sage figure from being a stereotype. She held together the smaller moments, providing the warmth and down to earth roaming commentary needed to balance out the high drama. And yes, Bette Middler is just as magnificent, chic and heart breaking as you want her to be. The fan boy in me wanted a title track song! *dream big*

The 'sassy boy runs for prom-queen’ story that the film is billed on is thankfully saved for the third act. It’s actually more about Billy's discovery of self and and less about confrontation of ‘normal’. It's refreshing to see an LGBTQ person take the journey from 'thinking you know who you are and shoving it in other people’s faces' to 'knowing who you are and just being ok with it'. And every single character - young, old, gay, jock, cheerleader, ‘shadow people’ - are on that journey as well.

“Aren’t we all just freaks,” Billy concludes.

Don’t dream it. Just be it.

In some ways 'Freak Show' is braver than Rocky Horror

Overall, ‘Freak Show’ is one to watch. It’s a beautiful story of identity and gender ideas, and sadly the costs of standing up for that. It’s affirming in the idea that just by being yourself you win.

I’m sure that, if I was still in my 20s, this would have been a defining film for me. And I hope it will be for those who are. Still, I want to see ‘Freak Show’ again. I want to see it go on and inform and elevate the art and culture of today in ways that only queer culture can.

The problems in tone can be forgiven and ‘Freak Show’ stands strong among other LGBTQ films that have pushed the boundaries. Yes, this ground has been trod before. But ‘Freak Show’ has more than a little bit to add. It pushes the limit but makes us see that this gender-bending free expression is anything but deprave - it's beautiful, necessary and, yes, normal! We're here, we're queer, get used to it.

'Freak Show' aired at the Edinburgh International Film Festival in June 2017.

*Queer, being the ‘Q’ in LGBTQ in this case, can mean many things to many people. I’m using queer as meaning a self-defined group of people who don’t subscribe to traditional ideas of gender-identity and expression. 

New Year Letter - 2017: The Age of Albion

Since I couldn't get my junk together for Christmas this is my 12th Night letter to commemorate the end of one year and the beginning of the next.

2017 fireworks atop Calton Hill

As you’ll have read in the media and pretty much everywhere (ie the internet) 2016 was pretty much a flaming trash pile of a year. But, you know what, celebrity deaths and xenophobia aside, there were many great things. Personally it was pretty awesome awesome year, especially compared to my 2015!

As is my wont I will break it down in an easy formula for those of you who will only read the headlines:

(Working hard + time with friends and loved ones) x liking one's self [(looking yourself in the mirror every day and saying "I like you"+ making lists of things that you're good at and enjoy) x every day] - pacing = A good year

So here are the top 12 moments of my 2016 (in chronological order) - a year that has been sweet with success and happiness. 

Survived tonsillectomy – January

This was rough. What started as my first operation in December spiralled into infections and a long road of recovery. It was coupled with a lot of knocks at the end of 2015 but, ultimately, I came through it. From their my health has only improved and I’ve not suffered anywhere near the amounts of colds and infections that I have in years before. I know it might not be a big deal to others but it was probably the scariest thing to live through on my own. And, I came through. I even recovered enough to bring in 2017 at Barony Bar! I was working but it was amazing!!


Stonewall award - February
Most of you know of the horror show that was the last few years at NHS NSS. However, there were still many bright spots, one of which was starting the LGBTI network there. And, to top it all off, the work that I put in with colleagues in NSS was recognised by Stonewall. It was special recognition for collaborative working with the equalities network team in Tesco Bank who helped us get the NSS network off the ground. It was a HUGE validation for me in the work I was trying to do to make my bad experiences into something positive for other people. And it really showed me that standing up for what you believe in and not giving up in the face of people putting you down and telling you to shut your mouth can make a difference.


Visited Barcelona – March
I visited Barcelona with my mate Steve. It was an incredible holiday. While we didn’t get as much sun as we hoped we still had some incredible days out in places like Parque Guell, Sagrada Familia and just tripping around Barcelona eating, shopping, meeting new people and having more than a tipple or two. I hadn't done any travelling abroad in years so it was great to get out of the country and also practice my Spanish! Woohoo!! I'm thinking next stop is Germany to see my Uncle Wally. Time to pick up my German again!

Me and Steve in Parque Guell, Barcelona

Got another tattoo – March
The day I got back from Barcelona I had a carpe diem moment. I arrived back to a stormy Edinburgh, left my luggage on the tram and just felt miserable. So, I decided to do something fun and stopped into the tattoo parlour to see how much a design I’d had tripping around my head would be. Well, I walked out with an appointment for later that afternoon. So, to commemorate the impending launch of my novel a new tattoo was born. I absolutely love it and can’t wait to expand it as my collection of writing does.

Published Book 2 of the Emersus Project, Spirit Shear – March
I published the long-awaited sequel to Black Star in March. The book launch was incredible and we raised over £200 for Book Aid International. The things I learned from the first book have made book 2 even better. The illustrations are better. The characters have grown and the story flows and is much more intense. I’m absolutely in love with the book and was so excited that so many people I care about came out to the launch. It made it that much more special.


British Citizenship – August

Me and Shug at citizenship ceremony

Me and Robert at citizenship ceremony

After 11 years in Scotland it’s official. The application went away the first week in April. And bang on 4 months later came back approved. The only way to explain how monumental this feels is it’s like a marriage. After so many years of dedication, expensive forms and fighting and falling in love with this country our commitment to each other is now permanent. Most importantly it means security and even more of a feeling of belonging. I’ll always be American. But now I have two homes. The day of the ceremony itself turned into a bit of an event. Shug and Robert attended the ceremony with me and I got to register to vote right afterwards. Then we were joined at the pub by my mates Sara, Andrew, Emma, Laura and Kade for a celebratory drink from the quaich and then dinner. It was an incredible day!

Visited Loch Ness with Robert – August
Well, as some of you know, I started dating this incredibly lovely chap, Robert, in April. Well, if you don’t know, now you know, Mr President. His birthday is the day after mine so we decided to celebrate away and took a trip up north to Loch Ness. It was an amazing trip and I loved Loch Ness. But the thing that, unsurprisingly, captivated me the most was Balnuaran of Clava, a mysterious ancient burial ground that is said to be laid out in the exact same formation as the Egyptian pyramids at Giza. The trip sparked even more ideas for my Age of Albion series and prompted me to finally get the edits for the book in gear.

Started working for the man (ie Scottish Government) – September
Despite the silly headline I am over the moon about my new job. I was offered the job in June but had to wait until the citizenship paperwork was all cleared in August. The job is amazing. I’m a senior content designer which means I do research into topics and write and design articles (how information is structured on the page) to best match public needs (that’s what the research is for). It means I get to read and write and talk to people all day.  I work with a great team who are all hilarious and super talented. And the work itself is challenging and exiting. I get to work with important topics that help people who are dealing with things like FGM and becoming a carer. If you haven’t already, check out www.mygov.scot. Also, I get to be Batman at work everyday. Seriously, on the team board my avatar is BATMAN!!! So, as far as job satisfaction goes, this is pretty dern high! 


Directed 'Sunshine on Leith' – October

Me and the production team

I had my Edinburgh directorial debut with ‘Sunshine on Leith’. It was a lot of work but a very rewarding experience. I definitely think next time I direct I’ll wait until I don’t have as much going on at the same time because I came pretty close to burn out (citizenship, new job, 2 part-time jobs and show all overlapped). But, seeing stuff that was in my head come to life on stage was amazing! And it was a vision of my new home – my love letter to Edinburgh. On top of that it was a great project to work on with friends. Collaboration on any artistic project is hard work but what comes out at the other end is bigger and better than you can do on your own. ‘Sunshine on Leith’ became this dazzling performance that was better than I hoped in so many many ways. Working with the cast and company to not just entertain but tell a great story was incredible – so many of the cast are talented beyond belief! Directing gave me a completely different sense of achievement and buzz and I’m looking forward to doing it again. I also learned an ass-ton from doing something this big for the first time. But first a bit of performing myself (I miss that kind of buzz). I’m thinking my next directorial endeavor will be some sort of concert.

Sold out performances 3 nights in a row!!

Speaking at Stonewall conference - November
A huge highlight of the year was getting to speak at the Stonewall Workplace Conference 2017. It was a huge honour that they asked me to share my experience of setting up a staff LGBTI network in the NHS. Setting up the network itself was a great experience. And having the opportunity to share that with other people to hopefully help encourage them on their way to doing the same was an honour. It was so exciting to see folks from the NHS network at the event which is encouraging to know that it's still going.


Finished drafting my third novel, Age of Albion: King Arthur Returns – November
I wrote King Arthur Returns last year for write a novel month. I made a stab at editing it but accepted the job of directing ‘Sunshine on Leith’ in February so that took up a HUGE amount of my creative energy on top of, you know, editing another novel and working a full-time job and two part-time jobs.  So, I used this November to tidy it up and get a workable first draft – if you write a novel in less than 30 days it will not be readable. So now begins the redrafting and rewriting phase. I’ve decided 2017 is the year of the agent. I have so many passions and focusses. I think this year I want to knuckle down and really get my writing out there. Emersus Project will always be my baby and I believe in it 100%. It’s the uncompromising part of myself that I will continue to tell. But Age of Albion is the one that will get picked up. It’s a much more accessible story and the characters are more universally identifiable. It’s a story that I wrote deliberately to inspire young people, not just the story that inspires me. So 2017 is the Age of Albion… watch this space!


Alphonse Mucha exhibition – December
This will also be a highlight of 2017 as I’m going to see it again in January. I went to the exhibition at the Kelvingrove Gallery in Glasgow with Robert and my mate Doug. It was a great day out and getting to see Alphonse Mucha’s work – an artist who has already inspired so many things in my life – was such a precious and exciting moment. Mucha’s work has had a huge impact on my life and art, not least of which because he was one of the first things my best mate Ryan and I had in common (actually, one of the few things we liked in common). His art is the inspiration for one of my tattoos as well. So, getting to see his work in its original form for the first time was immense. To see how intricate his work was from sketches to final works was awe inspiring and makes me want to work more.

There were so many other amazing things in 2016 but this would have become a novel in its own right. But here are a few other highlights:

The infamous drag party

• I’m still tutoring and loving it
• I have not stopped using the waffle maker I drunkenly purchased last year
• Had a super fab Drag me to the Barony party
• Sarah Serkin came for a visit and we found Nic Jolly’s veterans’ statue
• Had a super visit from Margaret Pritchard and she infected me with Hamilton
• Getting to meet the cutie Susie Peterson Lien when her parents Karen and Henry came to stay in Edinburgh (Susie is a baby btw)
• I tried clay pigeon shooting at Ray’s epic stag do. It was intoxicating.
• My friend Ray got married to my friend Craig. It was like watching two adorable, cat-loving, scary-hard-working teddy bears get married. 
• Got to sing in the Showcase 2016 Christmas concerts

I hope your 2017 is an awesome. I know mine will be!!

Ready for Christmas concerts!

Anxiety free guide to giving gifts

I was having a conversation with a friend who finds it difficult buying gifts for people. It was a source of anxiety for him. I'd genuinely never thought about gift giving as stressful, in fact I love it. And I realise that many others probably find it difficult as well.

So, how does one pick out a 'good' gift?

I recently tried to help a female friend pick out a bikini for holiday. I have never in my life felt so out of my depth and foolish. All I saw was a withered field of boob cups and colourful fabrics swaying in mockery of my ineptitude. (Did you know bikini's are padded like bras? Some have metal clasps that will heat up in the sun! Personally I only liked the ones that looked like a Wonder Woman breast plate) Every time I picked one up to show her she stared blankly at me as if she'd just asked a riddle and in response I handed her an injured wood pigeon wearing a tiny tiara. I imagine this is what others feel like when approaching the idea of buying a 'nice' gift for someone else.

The omniscient wood pigeon offers wisdom

Giving 'good gifts' is a skill like any other, just like mental maths or being able to drink tequila without getting a hangover. For me it probably comes naturally through some blend of intuition, imagination and obsessively memorising details of what makes others happy so people don't hate me. But, like any skill, it can be learned (well maybe not the tequila thing). So, what are the steps to landing a 'thoughtful' gift for someone who isn't just concerned with jewellery or labels?

Warming up

1) Start early

You want to get a thoughtful gift. Well, it will actually require some thought and effort.  If you wait until a day before whatever the event is to buy something the gift will reflect your effort. Also, it will be stressful as hell. Like anything in life, the more time you invest the better the outcome. So, unless this person has the exact same tastes as you, two weeks is probably the minimum safe bet to start 'thinking' about what you would like to get the person. Me? I start ages in advance. All gifts decided and purchased at least a month before (especially if you're buying on line).

2) Make lists

Yes, lists! They are the key to happiness and excel is the canvas on which you paint your joy. OR (more reasonably) if you have a phone with a notepad, any time you see something that you think the person might like take a note. Sometimes the right gift does just appear. If it's months in advance you don't have to buy it then and there. And, even if it's gone later, you'll at least have the idea at the ready.

Information gathering

3) Listen

What sorts of things do they always talk about? What hobbies do they have? Make a list of their favourite things (cue Julie Andrews)

4) Check their bookshelves

Look at the bookcases or mantelpiece in their sitting room. (Wait, they don't have a bookcase? Not even with DVDs? I don't mean to judge but leave immediately).

• What series of books or boxed sets do they own? 
• What sorts of items do they display in their home? 
• Are there multiples of any type of object (statues, plants, art, etc).

These are very strong indicators of the types of things they love. If you are privileged enough, check out their bedroom. This is where the real secrets to their heart are kept. Add them to the list

Getting the gift

Now you have your list of the things that they like, love (or at least tell people that they like to appear cultured). You obviously don't want to buy them something they already have. So you need to apply a bit of creativity here. Or, in place of that, I'll give you a formula. 

Thing they like (series or franchise) + other thing they like (item like book or article of clothing) + google =  decent gift

(or just get them a nice bottle of booze)

5) Go off on a tangent

So, you know what kind of stuff they like but don't want to buy them something they already have. Find something related to their favourite things. For example if they love motor cross and work in an office - a tie with motorcycles on it. They love superhero films and books - a book on behind the scenes making of superhero films. They collect kokeshi dolls - well go to my favourite online store The Japanese Shop. This is the 'thoughtful' part in a thoughtful gift. Yes, it takes a bit of brain power, but it's literally putting two and two together.

6) Google is your friend

Type two of their favourite things into Google then go to the 'shopping' tab. Chances are something that fits that description is on sale on Amazon. I kid you not. Even better, just type in one of their favourite things into Etsy (their motto is "who(m)ever you are, find whatever you're into")or ebay. You will get a list of things that are suitably related to your person's interests.

7) Ask someone

Ask their friends for advice or help. Or you can just ask the person what they'd like. People usually don't want you to suffer struggling to decide on a gift for them. And, if they do want you to struggle, they're an a-hole and you probably don't want to buy them a gift anyway. Never fall into the 'if you love me you should just know' bull because that's just a symptom that there are bigger problems in your relationship like emotional blackmail and manipulation.

This is what I get for googling 'emotional blackmail'

The trick is if they tell you what they want (within reason) get them that thing. If you feel you want to do more  or something else, well, get that thing plus the other thing. Asking the person really should be your last resort becasue once you do ask, you're locked into getting what they've asked for. Otherwise they'll just assume you didn't listen or don't care. There really is no point in asking if you're not going to do it - unless, of course, the other gift is so balls to the wall amazing.

Gay is ok - My first time

I was recently moving all of my crap into storage and came across some of my older writing journals. This one in particular was around the time that I came out. After laughing and cringing at some of the passages I came across an entry from 18 August 2002, the day after my first time!

Me - 25 August 2002

It read:

August 18, 2002
Well, it finally happened. I had sex last night. It definitely made me realise that next time I want it to be with someone I know better and care about.

I met this guy Patrick (not his real name) in a bar. He's a teacher at (a local high school) actually. He was nice enough and very cute. We started out dancing, close. Then kissing. He was very strong and I liked that. Although we did it w/o a condom which was THE DUMBEST THING EVER. I can't believe I let that happen. I told him I didn't have any [protection]. He said okay. But then later asked if I was sure that I didn't have any 'preventatives'. Then the whole 'I'm clean. You're clean,' went on. And yeah. Now I have to wait six months before I get AIDS tested (I tested negative btw). I am going to. Even if I'm praying I don't (have HIV) I deserve to be nervous for doing a stupid stupid thing.

I don't know if I want to do this whole 'gay' thing. After finally going through with it - plus with Sunday's sermon of the suffering of Christ - I'm beginning to remember why I turned to God. It felt good knowing someone wanted me - and still feels good. But it was completely unsatisfying. When Patrick left I felt hollow. I didn't want him to stay, but I didn't want him to go. I don't know.

I can really only think of the the few time I felt good and whole and they were all with people who felt like family. I don't know if I want to piss off God just for sex. Although, like I said, it felt good to have someone to lay there with. Is it possible to have a gay relationship with no sex? Just lots and lots of cuddling and kissing? Is that a sin? I guess the kissing maybe.

Arg! I don't know. But I definitely don't want to do it again. Especially not after just meeting some guy in a bar. But, I think I'll call Patrick. Mainly because I don't want to feel like a one night stand.

Afterwards, he told me that I looked like someone famous or maybe I just looked like I should be famous. That felt good.

Some of my 'coming out journal' entries read more like
the confessions of a convicted felon instead of
just a confused kid

I was asked ages ago why I titled my blog 'Getting over Christian guilt'. The reasons are actually quite simple:

1) I thought it was a provocative title

2) A lot of my adult life has been about learning to get over guilt, much of which I learned growing up in the church.

That is not to say that the church is bad. Much of who I am and the good that I try to stand for I learned growing up in the church. And lots of people learn guilt from places that have nothing to do with Christianity (I think Buddhism might be the only religion that could be excluded from any such blog title). But, as I read through the journal, there was so much sadness and guilt about how my sexuality made me a bad person which directly linked to what I believed was a Christian vs Gay dilemma.

However, from my current perspective, when I read this entry it shook something loose about how much I've grown and changed in my life by learning to deal with guilt in a healthy way. I'm currently dealing with a break up and the loss of a relationship. I'm literally rearranging my life as I had to move in a flat mate. I have been scrutinising my career choices and how I might get to a place where I'm more content professionally. I'm finishing an unrepresented novel that I will likely self-publish as I'm too scared to deal with agents' rejection. And, generally, I'm feeling wholly disappointed with my life choices. But reading what 19-year-old me was dealing with really helped put a lot of things into perspective.

1) If you can't love yourself...

I like myself now. I mean, I feel like crap. At the moment I'm over/underwhelmed (just whelmed?) with the things in my life and am a bit of an exploding ball of needy. But, it's just the situation I'm unhappy with, not with myself. And that's a pretty big deal. I've made the right choices (or the best ones I can) and I have the foundation to keep myself together and the tools I need to change my life when I'm ready. I know I'm a good person who is deserving of good things. Younger me was struggling to find meaning and validation from religion, others, the activities I was part of and anything in between. Now, the only meaning I need is 'have I been good to myself' which means keeping healthy, spending time with people who love me and occasionally sitting in bed with Chinese food and a DVD on my own.

2) Forgive but don't forget

The best thing I've done in my life is learn to forgive myself. I spent so long being angry at myself because of what I felt and what I was told was wrong. But, what I have learned is that I have to make myself happy. And I shouldn't be angry at myself for doing the things that would make me happier in the end, no matter how hard they were.

3) God is love

God doesn't give a crap about who I love. I've read the Bible cover to cover (seriously). And there are so many passages that we ignore on a daily basis. And, when you look at the historical context of many of those 'laws' they make sense but not in today's context. The fundamentals of Christianity are love: Love yourself. Love others. Be better than your inner ape.

4) Baby, look how far we've come!

Presenting at Scottish LGBTI Awards in Glasgow

People always say "If only I knew then what I know now." Well, you DO know it now. And the only vindication your younger self can have is to live better knowing what you know. 

19-year-old me would be so freaking proud of now me. I moved 5,000 miles away to Edinburgh, Scotland, got a master's degree in the thing that I love and I'm a writer, weaving the stories I always dreamed I would. More importantly, that thing that I was so scared and guilty about, I've used to make a difference. I was so honoured that I was asked to present 'Media Outlet of the Year' at the first Scottish LGBTI awards. I've used my bad experiences to start an LGBTI+ network at work and have volunteered for years to help with LGBT outreach. I took all those fears and turned them into something that will help other people so that, hopefully, they don't have to experience the same guilt and fear I did.

5) Fearlessness

I'm a natural worrier. I'm like a Level-10-black-belt Six-Sigma Nervous Nelly (I hope no one takes offence to that). So much of my guilt and sadness was from fear of loss: losing God's love, my family, my friends, coming under ridicule. I know now that a lot of my impatience is borne of fear of missing out - what if someone gets the sweetie instead of me. Well, there will be another one. Fear will always be there and in some ways it's keeps us safe (maybe prudence). But, what I have learned is what NOT to be afraid of. I've lost friends and family and I'm still here. It sucks but you go on. And that is something I'm happy to have learned. 

So, why do I write this blog? Why do I share these things that make me cringe (and my poor mother)? Well, I hope that somewhere out there someone else is reading it and thinking 'that sounds like me' and maybe, just maybe, they don't feel so alone. And maybe they'll come out of their shell and not be afraid and guilty and lonely and like themselves a little bit more because they're not the only one.

As always, here's the only equation to loving yourself that makes sense to me:

[(Being gay + Christianity/time passed(love of those around you)) + positive role models (lots of therapy) - bad experiences x (alchohol/alcohol fueled good times with friends) + good times with friends] + a healthy dose of distance = loving yourself