New Year Letter - 2017: The Age of Albion

Since I couldn't get my junk together for Christmas this is my 12th Night letter to commemorate the end of one year and the beginning of the next.

2017 fireworks atop Calton Hill

As you’ll have read in the media and pretty much everywhere (ie the internet) 2016 was pretty much a flaming trash pile of a year. But, you know what, celebrity deaths and xenophobia aside, there were many great things. Personally it was pretty awesome awesome year, especially compared to my 2015!

As is my wont I will break it down in an easy formula for those of you who will only read the headlines:

(Working hard + time with friends and loved ones) x liking one's self [(looking yourself in the mirror every day and saying "I like you"+ making lists of things that you're good at and enjoy) x every day] - pacing = A good year

So here are the top 12 moments of my 2016 (in chronological order) - a year that has been sweet with success and happiness. 

Survived tonsillectomy – January

This was rough. What started as my first operation in December spiralled into infections and a long road of recovery. It was coupled with a lot of knocks at the end of 2015 but, ultimately, I came through it. From their my health has only improved and I’ve not suffered anywhere near the amounts of colds and infections that I have in years before. I know it might not be a big deal to others but it was probably the scariest thing to live through on my own. And, I came through. I even recovered enough to bring in 2017 at Barony Bar! I was working but it was amazing!!


Stonewall award - February
Most of you know of the horror show that was the last few years at NHS NSS. However, there were still many bright spots, one of which was starting the LGBTI network there. And, to top it all off, the work that I put in with colleagues in NSS was recognised by Stonewall. It was special recognition for collaborative working with the equalities network team in Tesco Bank who helped us get the NSS network off the ground. It was a HUGE validation for me in the work I was trying to do to make my bad experiences into something positive for other people. And it really showed me that standing up for what you believe in and not giving up in the face of people putting you down and telling you to shut your mouth can make a difference.


Visited Barcelona – March
I visited Barcelona with my mate Steve. It was an incredible holiday. While we didn’t get as much sun as we hoped we still had some incredible days out in places like Parque Guell, Sagrada Familia and just tripping around Barcelona eating, shopping, meeting new people and having more than a tipple or two. I hadn't done any travelling abroad in years so it was great to get out of the country and also practice my Spanish! Woohoo!! I'm thinking next stop is Germany to see my Uncle Wally. Time to pick up my German again!

Me and Steve in Parque Guell, Barcelona

Got another tattoo – March
The day I got back from Barcelona I had a carpe diem moment. I arrived back to a stormy Edinburgh, left my luggage on the tram and just felt miserable. So, I decided to do something fun and stopped into the tattoo parlour to see how much a design I’d had tripping around my head would be. Well, I walked out with an appointment for later that afternoon. So, to commemorate the impending launch of my novel a new tattoo was born. I absolutely love it and can’t wait to expand it as my collection of writing does.

Published Book 2 of the Emersus Project, Spirit Shear – March
I published the long-awaited sequel to Black Star in March. The book launch was incredible and we raised over £200 for Book Aid International. The things I learned from the first book have made book 2 even better. The illustrations are better. The characters have grown and the story flows and is much more intense. I’m absolutely in love with the book and was so excited that so many people I care about came out to the launch. It made it that much more special.


British Citizenship – August

Me and Shug at citizenship ceremony

Me and Robert at citizenship ceremony

After 11 years in Scotland it’s official. The application went away the first week in April. And bang on 4 months later came back approved. The only way to explain how monumental this feels is it’s like a marriage. After so many years of dedication, expensive forms and fighting and falling in love with this country our commitment to each other is now permanent. Most importantly it means security and even more of a feeling of belonging. I’ll always be American. But now I have two homes. The day of the ceremony itself turned into a bit of an event. Shug and Robert attended the ceremony with me and I got to register to vote right afterwards. Then we were joined at the pub by my mates Sara, Andrew, Emma, Laura and Kade for a celebratory drink from the quaich and then dinner. It was an incredible day!

Visited Loch Ness with Robert – August
Well, as some of you know, I started dating this incredibly lovely chap, Robert, in April. Well, if you don’t know, now you know, Mr President. His birthday is the day after mine so we decided to celebrate away and took a trip up north to Loch Ness. It was an amazing trip and I loved Loch Ness. But the thing that, unsurprisingly, captivated me the most was Balnuaran of Clava, a mysterious ancient burial ground that is said to be laid out in the exact same formation as the Egyptian pyramids at Giza. The trip sparked even more ideas for my Age of Albion series and prompted me to finally get the edits for the book in gear.

Started working for the man (ie Scottish Government) – September
Despite the silly headline I am over the moon about my new job. I was offered the job in June but had to wait until the citizenship paperwork was all cleared in August. The job is amazing. I’m a senior content designer which means I do research into topics and write and design articles (how information is structured on the page) to best match public needs (that’s what the research is for). It means I get to read and write and talk to people all day.  I work with a great team who are all hilarious and super talented. And the work itself is challenging and exiting. I get to work with important topics that help people who are dealing with things like FGM and becoming a carer. If you haven’t already, check out www.mygov.scot. Also, I get to be Batman at work everyday. Seriously, on the team board my avatar is BATMAN!!! So, as far as job satisfaction goes, this is pretty dern high! 


Directed 'Sunshine on Leith' – October

Me and the production team

I had my Edinburgh directorial debut with ‘Sunshine on Leith’. It was a lot of work but a very rewarding experience. I definitely think next time I direct I’ll wait until I don’t have as much going on at the same time because I came pretty close to burn out (citizenship, new job, 2 part-time jobs and show all overlapped). But, seeing stuff that was in my head come to life on stage was amazing! And it was a vision of my new home – my love letter to Edinburgh. On top of that it was a great project to work on with friends. Collaboration on any artistic project is hard work but what comes out at the other end is bigger and better than you can do on your own. ‘Sunshine on Leith’ became this dazzling performance that was better than I hoped in so many many ways. Working with the cast and company to not just entertain but tell a great story was incredible – so many of the cast are talented beyond belief! Directing gave me a completely different sense of achievement and buzz and I’m looking forward to doing it again. I also learned an ass-ton from doing something this big for the first time. But first a bit of performing myself (I miss that kind of buzz). I’m thinking my next directorial endeavor will be some sort of concert.

Sold out performances 3 nights in a row!!

Speaking at Stonewall conference - November
A huge highlight of the year was getting to speak at the Stonewall Workplace Conference 2017. It was a huge honour that they asked me to share my experience of setting up a staff LGBTI network in the NHS. Setting up the network itself was a great experience. And having the opportunity to share that with other people to hopefully help encourage them on their way to doing the same was an honour. It was so exciting to see folks from the NHS network at the event which is encouraging to know that it's still going.


Finished drafting my third novel, Age of Albion: King Arthur Returns – November
I wrote King Arthur Returns last year for write a novel month. I made a stab at editing it but accepted the job of directing ‘Sunshine on Leith’ in February so that took up a HUGE amount of my creative energy on top of, you know, editing another novel and working a full-time job and two part-time jobs.  So, I used this November to tidy it up and get a workable first draft – if you write a novel in less than 30 days it will not be readable. So now begins the redrafting and rewriting phase. I’ve decided 2017 is the year of the agent. I have so many passions and focusses. I think this year I want to knuckle down and really get my writing out there. Emersus Project will always be my baby and I believe in it 100%. It’s the uncompromising part of myself that I will continue to tell. But Age of Albion is the one that will get picked up. It’s a much more accessible story and the characters are more universally identifiable. It’s a story that I wrote deliberately to inspire young people, not just the story that inspires me. So 2017 is the Age of Albion… watch this space!


Alphonse Mucha exhibition – December
This will also be a highlight of 2017 as I’m going to see it again in January. I went to the exhibition at the Kelvingrove Gallery in Glasgow with Robert and my mate Doug. It was a great day out and getting to see Alphonse Mucha’s work – an artist who has already inspired so many things in my life – was such a precious and exciting moment. Mucha’s work has had a huge impact on my life and art, not least of which because he was one of the first things my best mate Ryan and I had in common (actually, one of the few things we liked in common). His art is the inspiration for one of my tattoos as well. So, getting to see his work in its original form for the first time was immense. To see how intricate his work was from sketches to final works was awe inspiring and makes me want to work more.

There were so many other amazing things in 2016 but this would have become a novel in its own right. But here are a few other highlights:

The infamous drag party

• I’m still tutoring and loving it
• I have not stopped using the waffle maker I drunkenly purchased last year
• Had a super fab Drag me to the Barony party
• Sarah Serkin came for a visit and we found Nic Jolly’s veterans’ statue
• Had a super visit from Margaret Pritchard and she infected me with Hamilton
• Getting to meet the cutie Susie Peterson Lien when her parents Karen and Henry came to stay in Edinburgh (Susie is a baby btw)
• I tried clay pigeon shooting at Ray’s epic stag do. It was intoxicating.
• My friend Ray got married to my friend Craig. It was like watching two adorable, cat-loving, scary-hard-working teddy bears get married. 
• Got to sing in the Showcase 2016 Christmas concerts

I hope your 2017 is an awesome. I know mine will be!!

Ready for Christmas concerts!

Anxiety free guide to giving gifts

I was having a conversation with a friend who finds it difficult buying gifts for people. It was a source of anxiety for him. I'd genuinely never thought about gift giving as stressful, in fact I love it. And I realise that many others probably find it difficult as well.

So, how does one pick out a 'good' gift?

I recently tried to help a female friend pick out a bikini for holiday. I have never in my life felt so out of my depth and foolish. All I saw was a withered field of boob cups and colourful fabrics swaying in mockery of my ineptitude. (Did you know bikini's are padded like bras? Some have metal clasps that will heat up in the sun! Personally I only liked the ones that looked like a Wonder Woman breast plate) Every time I picked one up to show her she stared blankly at me as if she'd just asked a riddle and in response I handed her an injured wood pigeon wearing a tiny tiara. I imagine this is what others feel like when approaching the idea of buying a 'nice' gift for someone else.

The omniscient wood pigeon offers wisdom

Giving 'good gifts' is a skill like any other, just like mental maths or being able to drink tequila without getting a hangover. For me it probably comes naturally through some blend of intuition, imagination and obsessively memorising details of what makes others happy so people don't hate me. But, like any skill, it can be learned (well maybe not the tequila thing). So, what are the steps to landing a 'thoughtful' gift for someone who isn't just concerned with jewellery or labels?

Warming up

1) Start early

You want to get a thoughtful gift. Well, it will actually require some thought and effort.  If you wait until a day before whatever the event is to buy something the gift will reflect your effort. Also, it will be stressful as hell. Like anything in life, the more time you invest the better the outcome. So, unless this person has the exact same tastes as you, two weeks is probably the minimum safe bet to start 'thinking' about what you would like to get the person. Me? I start ages in advance. All gifts decided and purchased at least a month before (especially if you're buying on line).

2) Make lists

Yes, lists! They are the key to happiness and excel is the canvas on which you paint your joy. OR (more reasonably) if you have a phone with a notepad, any time you see something that you think the person might like take a note. Sometimes the right gift does just appear. If it's months in advance you don't have to buy it then and there. And, even if it's gone later, you'll at least have the idea at the ready.

Information gathering

3) Listen

What sorts of things do they always talk about? What hobbies do they have? Make a list of their favourite things (cue Julie Andrews)

4) Check their bookshelves

Look at the bookcases or mantelpiece in their sitting room. (Wait, they don't have a bookcase? Not even with DVDs? I don't mean to judge but leave immediately).

• What series of books or boxed sets do they own? 
• What sorts of items do they display in their home? 
• Are there multiples of any type of object (statues, plants, art, etc).

These are very strong indicators of the types of things they love. If you are privileged enough, check out their bedroom. This is where the real secrets to their heart are kept. Add them to the list

Getting the gift

Now you have your list of the things that they like, love (or at least tell people that they like to appear cultured). You obviously don't want to buy them something they already have. So you need to apply a bit of creativity here. Or, in place of that, I'll give you a formula. 

Thing they like (series or franchise) + other thing they like (item like book or article of clothing) + google =  decent gift

(or just get them a nice bottle of booze)

5) Go off on a tangent

So, you know what kind of stuff they like but don't want to buy them something they already have. Find something related to their favourite things. For example if they love motor cross and work in an office - a tie with motorcycles on it. They love superhero films and books - a book on behind the scenes making of superhero films. They collect kokeshi dolls - well go to my favourite online store The Japanese Shop. This is the 'thoughtful' part in a thoughtful gift. Yes, it takes a bit of brain power, but it's literally putting two and two together.

6) Google is your friend

Type two of their favourite things into Google then go to the 'shopping' tab. Chances are something that fits that description is on sale on Amazon. I kid you not. Even better, just type in one of their favourite things into Etsy (their motto is "who(m)ever you are, find whatever you're into")or ebay. You will get a list of things that are suitably related to your person's interests.

7) Ask someone

Ask their friends for advice or help. Or you can just ask the person what they'd like. People usually don't want you to suffer struggling to decide on a gift for them. And, if they do want you to struggle, they're an a-hole and you probably don't want to buy them a gift anyway. Never fall into the 'if you love me you should just know' bull because that's just a symptom that there are bigger problems in your relationship like emotional blackmail and manipulation.

This is what I get for googling 'emotional blackmail'

The trick is if they tell you what they want (within reason) get them that thing. If you feel you want to do more  or something else, well, get that thing plus the other thing. Asking the person really should be your last resort becasue once you do ask, you're locked into getting what they've asked for. Otherwise they'll just assume you didn't listen or don't care. There really is no point in asking if you're not going to do it - unless, of course, the other gift is so balls to the wall amazing.

Gay is ok - My first time

I was recently moving all of my crap into storage and came across some of my older writing journals. This one in particular was around the time that I came out. After laughing and cringing at some of the passages I came across an entry from 18 August 2002, the day after my first time!

Me - 25 August 2002

It read:

August 18, 2002
Well, it finally happened. I had sex last night. It definitely made me realise that next time I want it to be with someone I know better and care about.

I met this guy Patrick (not his real name) in a bar. He's a teacher at (a local high school) actually. He was nice enough and very cute. We started out dancing, close. Then kissing. He was very strong and I liked that. Although we did it w/o a condom which was THE DUMBEST THING EVER. I can't believe I let that happen. I told him I didn't have any [protection]. He said okay. But then later asked if I was sure that I didn't have any 'preventatives'. Then the whole 'I'm clean. You're clean,' went on. And yeah. Now I have to wait six months before I get AIDS tested (I tested negative btw). I am going to. Even if I'm praying I don't (have HIV) I deserve to be nervous for doing a stupid stupid thing.

I don't know if I want to do this whole 'gay' thing. After finally going through with it - plus with Sunday's sermon of the suffering of Christ - I'm beginning to remember why I turned to God. It felt good knowing someone wanted me - and still feels good. But it was completely unsatisfying. When Patrick left I felt hollow. I didn't want him to stay, but I didn't want him to go. I don't know.

I can really only think of the the few time I felt good and whole and they were all with people who felt like family. I don't know if I want to piss off God just for sex. Although, like I said, it felt good to have someone to lay there with. Is it possible to have a gay relationship with no sex? Just lots and lots of cuddling and kissing? Is that a sin? I guess the kissing maybe.

Arg! I don't know. But I definitely don't want to do it again. Especially not after just meeting some guy in a bar. But, I think I'll call Patrick. Mainly because I don't want to feel like a one night stand.

Afterwards, he told me that I looked like someone famous or maybe I just looked like I should be famous. That felt good.

Some of my 'coming out journal' entries read more like
the confessions of a convicted felon instead of
just a confused kid

I was asked ages ago why I titled my blog 'Getting over Christian guilt'. The reasons are actually quite simple:

1) I thought it was a provocative title

2) A lot of my adult life has been about learning to get over guilt, much of which I learned growing up in the church.

That is not to say that the church is bad. Much of who I am and the good that I try to stand for I learned growing up in the church. And lots of people learn guilt from places that have nothing to do with Christianity (I think Buddhism might be the only religion that could be excluded from any such blog title). But, as I read through the journal, there was so much sadness and guilt about how my sexuality made me a bad person which directly linked to what I believed was a Christian vs Gay dilemma.

However, from my current perspective, when I read this entry it shook something loose about how much I've grown and changed in my life by learning to deal with guilt in a healthy way. I'm currently dealing with a break up and the loss of a relationship. I'm literally rearranging my life as I had to move in a flat mate. I have been scrutinising my career choices and how I might get to a place where I'm more content professionally. I'm finishing an unrepresented novel that I will likely self-publish as I'm too scared to deal with agents' rejection. And, generally, I'm feeling wholly disappointed with my life choices. But reading what 19-year-old me was dealing with really helped put a lot of things into perspective.

1) If you can't love yourself...

I like myself now. I mean, I feel like crap. At the moment I'm over/underwhelmed (just whelmed?) with the things in my life and am a bit of an exploding ball of needy. But, it's just the situation I'm unhappy with, not with myself. And that's a pretty big deal. I've made the right choices (or the best ones I can) and I have the foundation to keep myself together and the tools I need to change my life when I'm ready. I know I'm a good person who is deserving of good things. Younger me was struggling to find meaning and validation from religion, others, the activities I was part of and anything in between. Now, the only meaning I need is 'have I been good to myself' which means keeping healthy, spending time with people who love me and occasionally sitting in bed with Chinese food and a DVD on my own.

2) Forgive but don't forget

The best thing I've done in my life is learn to forgive myself. I spent so long being angry at myself because of what I felt and what I was told was wrong. But, what I have learned is that I have to make myself happy. And I shouldn't be angry at myself for doing the things that would make me happier in the end, no matter how hard they were.

3) God is love

God doesn't give a crap about who I love. I've read the Bible cover to cover (seriously). And there are so many passages that we ignore on a daily basis. And, when you look at the historical context of many of those 'laws' they make sense but not in today's context. The fundamentals of Christianity are love: Love yourself. Love others. Be better than your inner ape.

4) Baby, look how far we've come!

Presenting at Scottish LGBTI Awards in Glasgow

People always say "If only I knew then what I know now." Well, you DO know it now. And the only vindication your younger self can have is to live better knowing what you know. 

19-year-old me would be so freaking proud of now me. I moved 5,000 miles away to Edinburgh, Scotland, got a master's degree in the thing that I love and I'm a writer, weaving the stories I always dreamed I would. More importantly, that thing that I was so scared and guilty about, I've used to make a difference. I was so honoured that I was asked to present 'Media Outlet of the Year' at the first Scottish LGBTI awards. I've used my bad experiences to start an LGBTI+ network at work and have volunteered for years to help with LGBT outreach. I took all those fears and turned them into something that will help other people so that, hopefully, they don't have to experience the same guilt and fear I did.

5) Fearlessness

I'm a natural worrier. I'm like a Level-10-black-belt Six-Sigma Nervous Nelly (I hope no one takes offence to that). So much of my guilt and sadness was from fear of loss: losing God's love, my family, my friends, coming under ridicule. I know now that a lot of my impatience is borne of fear of missing out - what if someone gets the sweetie instead of me. Well, there will be another one. Fear will always be there and in some ways it's keeps us safe (maybe prudence). But, what I have learned is what NOT to be afraid of. I've lost friends and family and I'm still here. It sucks but you go on. And that is something I'm happy to have learned. 

So, why do I write this blog? Why do I share these things that make me cringe (and my poor mother)? Well, I hope that somewhere out there someone else is reading it and thinking 'that sounds like me' and maybe, just maybe, they don't feel so alone. And maybe they'll come out of their shell and not be afraid and guilty and lonely and like themselves a little bit more because they're not the only one.

As always, here's the only equation to loving yourself that makes sense to me:

[(Being gay + Christianity/time passed(love of those around you)) + positive role models (lots of therapy) - bad experiences x (alchohol/alcohol fueled good times with friends) + good times with friends] + a healthy dose of distance = loving yourself

10 things people say to light-skinned black people (that might get them cut)

We hear about it often - black public figures whose images have been lightened for acceptance. But, is it really any easier to be fairer* skinned? I get it all the time from my own family - some how, being a fair-skinned black person is a breeze compared to what it's like for those who are darker.

But, for all my light-skinned brothers and sisters out there I know you'll understand. People say crazy stuff to us all the time BECAUSE we're fair-skinned. It's like somehow, because we're not as dark, we get all the awkward questions that people are too scared to ask other black people.

Yes, I am guilty of sometimes playing into these, letting it slide or just laughing it off for ease of social transactions. But, inside (and outside), I am rolling my eyes and judging you... hard.

1. 50 Shades of Blackness

You: You're not THAT black
Me: Black enough to be hanged.

Who says this: Black and white people**
Why this is annoying:
Bottom line, light/dark/somewhere in between, all black people experience prejudice and racism. Under Jim Crow laws there was the One-drop rule which stated that if you had even one ancestor of African descent you were considered black and therefore you could be killed indiscriminately. Yes, people say being fair-skinned makes you more socially acceptable. But, that in itself is racist. We still face off with bigots and experience that awkward moment where other people say 'I forget you're even black' and then proceed to make a black joke.

2. Tanning your hide

You: Look! I'm almost darker than you (holding their holiday tanned arm next to yours and pointing)
Me: Yes, but I'm not going to get skin cancer.

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
I don't understand what this obsession is. Great, you can get a tan! And yes, I get darker when I go in the sun too. It's not annoying so much as bemusing that for generations the idea of being black was maligned by whites but many white people are gagging themselves (and in fact endangering their health) to be black-ish. Yes, we all look healthier with a bit of sun (says the black guy who moved to Scotland). But, when you look like a wrinkled leather bag in 10 years it's actually kind of gross. Love yourself the way that you are.

Let's be honest - no one is the right shade of band-aid

3. Different strokes
You: Yeah, well you had it easier because you're light-skinned.
Me: Black enough to be hanged.

Who says this: Black people
Why it's annoying:
Have you been me? I go back to the one-drop rule. I've had idiots treat me like I'm less of a person because I'm black. I've been called the 'N-word' in spite. I've had friends' parents assume I went to a good college because I was on a basketball scholarship. People hit on me saying 'I've always wondered what it'd be like to be with a black guy.' You think I'm some how 'safe' from stupid because I've got a bit more vanilla in my swirl? Well, you're wrong. Don't add to the stupid by hating on me. Let's be united against idiots.

3. It's tough for you. Yeah yeah yeah

You: Are you one of those white-acting black people?
Me: If by 'white-acting' you mean articulate, thoughtful and my mom taught me how to act right (behave myself) in public, then, yes I am, you racist.

Who says this: Black and white people
Why this is annoying:
It's not annoying. It's flat out racist. I don't care who says it.

If you're white and you say this, take a long think about what you mean by 'acting black' and realise that's based solely on prejudice. How would you feel if I asked you if you were one of those red-neck white people? Change your thinking.

If you're black and you say this, have a long hard think about what expectations you have of yourself because of internalised racism and/or you justifying acting like an asshole in general. There's a difference between respecting your culture and heritage and just being a jerk.Change your thinking.

Would I be treated differently if I were darker?
Is it still blacking up if I'm already black? Awkward :-/

4. Papa can you hear me

You: Are both your parents black?
Me: Yes, and they taught me not to ask inappropriate questions. 

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Come on?! Unless you're having a discussion about heritage this is not ok. Even if you know the person 'really well' (mostly because if you know them really well you'll have seen, heard stories of or met their parents already). That's like asking people 'Are your parents divorced?' for no reason. Why not ask even more probing family questions like: How long was your mother in labour for? What are your saddest memories from childhood? When was your last sexual health check up? Can I have a vile of your blood? In polite society anything that might potentially have a really deep, long, possibly probing answer is not something you bring up without context or permission.

5. Damnit, Jim. I'm a black person, not a geneticist

You: How are the people in your family different colours if you have the same parents?
Me: How do the people in your family have different colour hair and eyes? Genetics.

Who says this: Mostly white people but I know some black people wonder too
Why this is annoying:
Well, for one reason, I'm not a geneticist so why would you assume I know any more than you? But, mostly it's frustrating because I think people are expecting something juicy and easy to understand like 'we have different fathers' or something. That would be easy for your mind to grasp, but would be deeply personal and rude of you to ask if it was. However, the reality is it's just genetics. Recessive, dominant, whatever genes. People pick up different physical traits, skin pigmentation being one of them.

6. What is reality?

You: Are you really... 'black' black?
Me: *Cocks eye-brow and glares (as presumably only a black person can) silently communicating 'Did you really just ask me that? I might cut you?'*

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Rachel Dolezal is not 'black' black. Go to the back of the class and see items 4 and 5. What is it you really want to know? Would the answer make you more or less comfortable? If it changes nothing what does it really matter? It doesn't matter two flying figs what my parentage is. Black people come in all flavours. What you see is what you get. Being 'black' black doesn't change how society perceives you when you have African features and brown skin.

7. Dopplen**ger

You: You look just like 'other fair-skinned black person they know'. Are you related?
Me: Why do people keep asking me that? But, funny you should ask. I do know Kendall.

Who says this: Black and white people
Why this is annoying:
There is a guy my sisters went to high school with named Kendall. And for all my life people have asked if I'm his brother. I mean, we look about as alike as two fair-skinned black guys do. But you would never say that if you saw my sisters and see how much we ACTUALLY look alike because we're actually related. This is just an annoying phenomenon that I think lots of people get. But, my experience has been that it's white people saying any black person looks like any other black person  (mostly celebrities). My mother was once compared to Whoopi Goldberg. I mean WTF?

'Nuff said

8. It's a game of inches

You: Is it true what they say about black guys?
Me: Yes, we do all carry guns. So back the f**k up. (polite alternative: It is true. My parents are black.)

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Black people in general get this. It is not flattering. It is not original. And it is not clever. Why don't you ask your other white friends who might have ridden the low-down rail road  to piss off their parents. If you ask this of a black man he will either ignore you completely or he will assume you're a ho, take you for a quicky (making zero eye contact), possibly steal some money from your wallet, and then never call you.

9. I am not my hair

You: Can I touch your hair?
Me: Can I touch your boobs/penis?

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Before you ask if you can touch someone's hair stop and think of when you have ever asked anyone else if you could touch their hair. Then subtract those people who are black and how many are you left with? If the answer is more than zero you have some sort of hair fetish and/or some sort of social disorder. Now, before you get mad, I have never EVER asked any one of another race if I could touch their hair. I understand you're curious, but I'm not a touch and teach playskool book. Just think: most people don't want some stranger rubbing their nasty cheeto-stained hands all up on their head. And, the odds that anyone (especially women) who'd spent loads of time and money to get their hair so correct that it's delicious looking enough to be pawed at does not actually want it to be touched.

10. Just kidding

You: Is it ok if I tell a black joke?
Me: No!

Who says this: Idiots
Why this is annoying:
First of all, if you need to ask permission to tell a joke then you already know it's going to offend someone. So, don't. This is up there with beginning a statement with 'I'm not a racist, but...' Whatever you are about to say next IS going to be racist. Avenue Q nailed it. Everyone's a little bit racist (I like to think everyone's a little be prejudice but you know what they mean). But, sometimes knowing your audience is key. So, keep your racist joke to yourself please.

Bottom line

Remember, asking questions and trying to understand is ok. But, it's all about the context. And making sweeping statements about what it's like to be in my shoes is not. If you're having trouble navigating the murky waters of what you should or shouldn't say to a black person who's fair-skinned just remember:

Questioning someone’s race (shade of skin + potential for racial stereotyping) / ([how well you know the person - how much you actually want to stay friends with that person] + context) - do you really need to know = look it up on YouTube 

(Seriously, everything is on YouTube. Check out Madame Noir’s ‘Ask A Black Man’ series or All Def Digital)

*When I use the word 'fair-skinned' in this article I'm referring to 'fair' as in 'light' not 'fair' as in beautiful. Everyone is beautiful at any shade under the human spectrum (and as Zoe Saldana proved in Gaurdians of the Galaxy you can be pretty hot in shades of green too). But, yeah, I mean 'light-skinded' y'all.

** Yes, everyone is a little bit racist. But I can honestly say none of the above examples have ever occurred with people of any other race.

Blackness in literature

Gemmy (middle) and co. from Themo's Book, Black Star

I was working on a drawing of Gemmy from Emersus Project the other day and as I was colouring it in my partner turned to me and said, 'Wait, Gemmy is black? I always read him as white.'

My first thought was, 'Uh, the book is illustrated. Look at him, brown skinned and broad nosed.' But then I thought, by the same token he has clear blue eyes and bright blue hair and can shoot electricity from his fingers. So in the world of Emersus Project nothing is a a given. .

But, to put it simply, yes Gemmy is black. His  father is black and his mother is white. Technically that makes him bi-racial. And in the book it's not an issue of which race he is. He may choose to identify with whatever race he wants or, as many mixed-race people I know do, just chose to identify as himself or by his nationality. But, the bottom line is he will always be browner than his fairer skinned compatriots which will carry with it some weight.

Is it a problem that Gemmy doesn't 'read' as black?

No, it's not. The object of my writing is for everyone to see something of themselves in my stories. Black or white shouldn't be important. What does matter are the issues in the stories that I want to face.

Gemmy never asks himself the question, 'Am I Black?'. This is because the biggest concern in his life is 'Who do I want to be given the power that I have?'. In Arbea, the world the book is set in, there are two other sentient species and the story is about Gemmy's inner conflict with his own nature **SPOILER ALERT seeing as he is a genetic amalgamation of all three species**.

For me the 'specism' in the Emersus Project is an allegory for the racism, classism and all the other 'isms' that I've personally experienced in my life (as many have). The story is not about me but about something bigger that we all feel - trying to figure out who we are in a world where everyone is different. Seriously, your atoms and cells will only ever be your atoms and cells.

We as a species are naturally biased against other cultures and things that are different. Tribalism, sectarianism, racism, etc are all ways for us to establish a group 'like us' to try and feel like we fit in. But the truth it, it doesn't matter. What makes us 'human' is our ability to see past all the crap to show kindness and love regardless of our differences.

But, for those of you looking for the 'race issue' in Emersus Project, the series is not devoid of it.

Gemmy's parentage

Gemmy's father

Gemmy's mother

The thing that I like about Gemmy is that the issue of his race does come up in the books. He is not naive to it but largely he doesn't let it affect him. He is who he is and there are bigger fish to fry. Gemmy's father, Gravander, is described as "an imposing figure. He was starkly bald accept for the academic braid* that sat atop his head. The bright white streaks in his hair stood out as a shock against his dark skin." And his mother is white with bright blue eyes with even brighter red curly hair.

Throughout the book there are hints dropped at the bigger picture of issues of race in Arbea. And, like it is for many, the tension comes from inside his own family. 

In the first book we read that: "Gemmy went to his closet and rummaged about until he found an Arbonaesche winter cap that his gran had sent him years ago. She’d never appreciated that they lived in one of the warmest places in Arbea. But he’d always suspected that she wanted him to cover his tell-tale Garzian raven hair."


In the second book we read:

"[Their cover story was] Sem and Daryn were the children of diplomats going to meet their parents on Rheza and Gemmy was their servant. They’d have to be as believable as possible because any suspicion or serious checking would result in disaster.

Sem couldn’t understand why they couldn’t all be the children of diplomats, especially as Gemmy was the only one with an actual [nobility] title. But, Gemmy had memorised all the names and faces of the diplomats who had access to travel to Rheza. They were all descendants of royal Arbean families. Gemmy had to explain that none of them had Garzian ‘farmer colouring,’ as his gran had always politely put it."

Does racism still exist?

My next series 'Age of Albion'

Yes. It's usually people who don't experience racism that say it no longer exists, but it does. In Britain there have been high profile incidents of football racism. So to imagine that it exists off the football pitch is not a stretch. And racism in America is nothing that anyone would deny.

The subject of race and how society sees it definitely needs to continue being explored in literature. Racism is very real all across the world and it's not just a black/white issue. That's why I'm deliberately featuring a black female heroine in my next series as an opportunity to explore race in addition to other themes.

For me, as a fair-skinned black man I've had it from white and black people who say that I'm 'too black', 'not that black' or 'not black enough' or 'act white' for a start (don't get me started on the American jabs levelled at me). And my only answer to critics of my blackness is that 'I'm black enough to be hanged'.

Jim Crow rock in Dunoon, Scotland

I say this because under the Jim Crow segregation laws in the US (which only ended 60 years ago) regardless of how fair or dark you were, if you had 'just one drop' of black ancestry you were black and subject to the laws that dehumanised and diminished an entire race. And for those who don't think crazy stuff like that still happens in the UK, well, there's a 'Jim Crow' rock in Dunoon, Scotland with a minstrel face. They say it represents 'Our friend a "jack daw" crow'. Locals repaint it every year. Why does in not say jack daw then? And why does it's beak look like red lips? Who knows. The first (and last) time I visited the seaside town - a town that used to home an American Naval base in the 60s (just sayin) - I had a particularly bad experience when I tried to explain to local 'friends' about why it was upsetting.

Don't believe me? Let's break it down:

What does this

have to do with this?

Answer:

Don't be an idiot. Just change the name of the flipping rock!!

In the end, I've experienced just as much discrimination from people based on my race as any other black person. And there are people from other races in this country and others who've had it just as bad if not worse. But trying to validate your experiences by diminishing mine is something that I don't accept. We've all got our struggles so don't be a jerk. The same goes in literature. It's not about just one struggle for everyone. And for some, it doesn't really matter. But what does matter is being respectful of other's experiences and being happy.

Scotland v Italy score at rugby

So, here's me at my finest (a few years ago and a few stones lighter) ready for a rugby match at Murrayfield. Scotland may not be the best in the league (in fact I think we may have the most wooden spoons! Woohoo! We won something!) But the pride and atmosphere at Murrayfield during any match is well worth the visit.

Today, I was privaleged enough to be three rows off the pitch watching as Scotland battled Italy in the latest Six Nations match. But the biggest triumphs of rugby still happen off the pitch as the fans are the best in the world.

It was a harrowing match to say the least. As usual our boys in blue (well actually, Scotland's tops are red this season which I'm really against as the colours of the saltire are blue and white, but I digress) did well in the first half. Defence was holding back the competitionand. Italy's drives were putting the heat on our team and it was hard fought but we had our own finess and scored some tries. We topped of the first half at 16 - 15. Phew!

And then came the second half... There were mis-steps, forward passes, fumbles and all round school boy rugby from both sides and we managed to get a kick and hold Italy at 19 - 15 until the last 5 seconds (literally!).

Sadly, this is not uncommon. Scotland consistently deliver good rugby in one of the two halfs only. I personally feel that if they ran an incentive scheme like 'Every time you miss a pass or kick a ball and DON'T chase it you lose beer privaleges' the team would perform much better. Seriously, take away their beer and make them earn it back. But, the point is, I left 10 minutes before the end because they were probably going to blow it. Plus my partner had no keys to the flat and frankly I wanted to beat the crowd and not stick around for whatever trouncing was sure to follow as usual.

So, I headed to the Edinburgh tram stop right outside Murrayfield and bagged myself a seat.

'Oh, I hate leaving early,' one woman said. We commiserated as she had relatives stopping by even though they knew she had rugby on. Another woman had promised to deliver her son to her ex-husband at a certain time. Two chaps simply wanted to beat the queues in the pub. And there were also two random teenagers and some other guy with some other deadlines, and two Italians (fans of the opposing team) who were just too cold. We all sat talking and after having left Murrayfield, I logged into the tram's free wifi and pulled up BBC live on my phone.

And there 11 stranges watched the last 5 minutes of six nations rugby on a phone on a tram and laughed and commiserated together. When the Italians scored their last second try the Italians cheered. The Scots groaned and then congratulated their bretheren. 'In Scotland that means you buy the beer,' one guy said to one of the Italians.

We all laughed and departed one by one wishing each other a good evening and I left the tram feeling a sense of community and camaraderie I don't think you get in many other sports. We all bonded as strangers only connected by being rugby fans and slightly impatient travelers. We even wished the Italians safe travels and good luck for the rest of the tourney.

I'm not a big football supporter. I played it (soccer) back home and when I came to Scotland I started playing rugby because I am good at knocking things over. But the best part about the game to me is the spirit of it. People don't boo or harrass the other team (Actually, booing at rugby has crept in and I'm pleased that these people tend to get shooshed). We cheer good rugby and good sportsmanship and the best part of Scotland rugby is the fans. You can be just as great of friends with your rivals as you can with your own team. It's about loving the game and that's all.

So, grab yourself a beer and get yourself down to BT Murrayfield. Scotland may not have beat Italy in the latest Six Nations match. But it doesn't matter. We all won for having a good day out, it didn't rain (during the match) and it wasn't too cold. Say what you will about the dour Scots. But they know how to host a good time. Thanks Italy for being such good sports, and we'll get you next time! 

My ScotAmerican flag :)

Joint Hypermobility - chronic pain champions

What is it like to have joint hypermobility syndrome (or ehlers danlos hypermobility syndrome) on a cold icy-rainy day??


Yeah, kind of like that.

What is joint hypermobility syndrome?

What it feels like

It's a hereditary condition where your joints are over flexible (double jointed). Lots of people have it. Only about 10% of people experience pain from it.

Have you ever had a rubber band that was over stretched and just won't go back to it's original shape? That's what your joints and ligaments are like with HMS.

There's still not a lot of understanding about what causes it. Something to do with lack of collagen, stuff, blah. But, ultimately, the soft tissues in your body (eg ligaments, skin) don't work so good so your bones can shift and bend in ways they're not supposed to. Great if you're a dancer. However, for some of us mooks, it's like having your body pulled apart constantly. It affects little things like turning your head or sitting up. You can still do all these things. It just hurts like hell because my muscles are working over time and cramping because they're doing the work of holding me together (which is what the ligaments are supposed to do).

What's the craic?
Well, it's a hidden 'disability'. People don't believe you because you look healthy.

For me the hardest part is the exhaustion. I feel really sleepy a lot because I have to concentrate a lot to hold my posture, and mostly, not flip out on people because I have a muscle spasm every time I move. You also twitch a lot in your sleep from muscle spasms so the quality of your sleep is quite poor.

Me - a hypermobile hero

Sitting up all day at a desk at times can feel like running a marathon because it is a test of endurance. Now, imagine running a marathon while writing a press release, talking to people nicely and (trying) to be helpful.

Basically:
Chronic pain + not flipping out on people + living your life = Supernatural bad ass


What do I do?
On days like today I remind myself that I'm a beast at living - this world is my bitch. People with chronic pain are f-ing champions. If I get through the day without crying, screaming at someone or just plain giving up and falling over, then I'm a bloody superhero.

I will go home, cook myself some food (maybe wash dishes) and stretch, do some weights and relax. I'll lie down for sleep (which takes a helluva lot of effort when your back and neck are sore) do my breathing exercises and hopefully not wake up too often in the night when I roll over. And then tomorrow I'll go to the gym and exercise through the pain to strengthen my muscles because staying in shape, despite the desire to never move again, helps to keep this pain from conquering me.

I want to toast anyone who is living like a boss despite chronic pain. Even if it's just keeping your house clean you are kicking ass. Even if it's 'Hey, I didn't scream at anyone today,' you're doing great!

To my brethren with joint hypermobility  keep rocking and EDS. You are awesome.

Ehlers Danlos Hypermobility Syndrome (EDS): This and 'joint hymobility syndrome (HMS)' are very closely related and the diagnosis to differentiate between them can be up for grabs. HMS can be a symptom of EDH so get it checked out as the complications of EDS undiagnosed can be extreme.