Gay is ok - My first time

I was recently moving all of my crap into storage and came across some of my older writing journals. This one in particular was around the time that I came out. After laughing and cringing at some of the passages I came across an entry from 18 August 2002, the day after my first time!

Me - 25 August 2002

It read:

August 18, 2002
Well, it finally happened. I had sex last night. It definitely made me realise that next time I want it to be with someone I know better and care about.

I met this guy Patrick (not his real name) in a bar. He's a teacher at (a local high school) actually. He was nice enough and very cute. We started out dancing, close. Then kissing. He was very strong and I liked that. Although we did it w/o a condom which was THE DUMBEST THING EVER. I can't believe I let that happen. I told him I didn't have any [protection]. He said okay. But then later asked if I was sure that I didn't have any 'preventatives'. Then the whole 'I'm clean. You're clean,' went on. And yeah. Now I have to wait six months before I get AIDS tested (I tested negative btw). I am going to. Even if I'm praying I don't (have HIV) I deserve to be nervous for doing a stupid stupid thing.

I don't know if I want to do this whole 'gay' thing. After finally going through with it - plus with Sunday's sermon of the suffering of Christ - I'm beginning to remember why I turned to God. It felt good knowing someone wanted me - and still feels good. But it was completely unsatisfying. When Patrick left I felt hollow. I didn't want him to stay, but I didn't want him to go. I don't know.

I can really only think of the the few time I felt good and whole and they were all with people who felt like family. I don't know if I want to piss off God just for sex. Although, like I said, it felt good to have someone to lay there with. Is it possible to have a gay relationship with no sex? Just lots and lots of cuddling and kissing? Is that a sin? I guess the kissing maybe.

Arg! I don't know. But I definitely don't want to do it again. Especially not after just meeting some guy in a bar. But, I think I'll call Patrick. Mainly because I don't want to feel like a one night stand.

Afterwards, he told me that I looked like someone famous or maybe I just looked like I should be famous. That felt good.

Some of my 'coming out journal' entries read more like
the confessions of a convicted felon instead of
just a confused kid

I was asked ages ago why I titled my blog 'Getting over Christian guilt'. The reasons are actually quite simple:

1) I thought it was a provocative title

2) A lot of my adult life has been about learning to get over guilt, much of which I learned growing up in the church.

That is not to say that the church is bad. Much of who I am and the good that I try to stand for I learned growing up in the church. And lots of people learn guilt from places that have nothing to do with Christianity (I think Buddhism might be the only religion that could be excluded from any such blog title). But, as I read through the journal, there was so much sadness and guilt about how my sexuality made me a bad person which directly linked to what I believed was a Christian vs Gay dilemma.

However, from my current perspective, when I read this entry it shook something loose about how much I've grown and changed in my life by learning to deal with guilt in a healthy way. I'm currently dealing with a break up and the loss of a relationship. I'm literally rearranging my life as I had to move in a flat mate. I have been scrutinising my career choices and how I might get to a place where I'm more content professionally. I'm finishing an unrepresented novel that I will likely self-publish as I'm too scared to deal with agents' rejection. And, generally, I'm feeling wholly disappointed with my life choices. But reading what 19-year-old me was dealing with really helped put a lot of things into perspective.

1) If you can't love yourself...

I like myself now. I mean, I feel like crap. At the moment I'm over/underwhelmed (just whelmed?) with the things in my life and am a bit of an exploding ball of needy. But, it's just the situation I'm unhappy with, not with myself. And that's a pretty big deal. I've made the right choices (or the best ones I can) and I have the foundation to keep myself together and the tools I need to change my life when I'm ready. I know I'm a good person who is deserving of good things. Younger me was struggling to find meaning and validation from religion, others, the activities I was part of and anything in between. Now, the only meaning I need is 'have I been good to myself' which means keeping healthy, spending time with people who love me and occasionally sitting in bed with Chinese food and a DVD on my own.

2) Forgive but don't forget

The best thing I've done in my life is learn to forgive myself. I spent so long being angry at myself because of what I felt and what I was told was wrong. But, what I have learned is that I have to make myself happy. And I shouldn't be angry at myself for doing the things that would make me happier in the end, no matter how hard they were.

3) God is love

God doesn't give a crap about who I love. I've read the Bible cover to cover (seriously). And there are so many passages that we ignore on a daily basis. And, when you look at the historical context of many of those 'laws' they make sense but not in today's context. The fundamentals of Christianity are love: Love yourself. Love others. Be better than your inner ape.

4) Baby, look how far we've come!

Presenting at Scottish LGBTI Awards in Glasgow

People always say "If only I knew then what I know now." Well, you DO know it now. And the only vindication your younger self can have is to live better knowing what you know. 

19-year-old me would be so freaking proud of now me. I moved 5,000 miles away to Edinburgh, Scotland, got a master's degree in the thing that I love and I'm a writer, weaving the stories I always dreamed I would. More importantly, that thing that I was so scared and guilty about, I've used to make a difference. I was so honoured that I was asked to present 'Media Outlet of the Year' at the first Scottish LGBTI awards. I've used my bad experiences to start an LGBTI+ network at work and have volunteered for years to help with LGBT outreach. I took all those fears and turned them into something that will help other people so that, hopefully, they don't have to experience the same guilt and fear I did.

5) Fearlessness

I'm a natural worrier. I'm like a Level-10-black-belt Six-Sigma Nervous Nelly (I hope no one takes offence to that). So much of my guilt and sadness was from fear of loss: losing God's love, my family, my friends, coming under ridicule. I know now that a lot of my impatience is borne of fear of missing out - what if someone gets the sweetie instead of me. Well, there will be another one. Fear will always be there and in some ways it's keeps us safe (maybe prudence). But, what I have learned is what NOT to be afraid of. I've lost friends and family and I'm still here. It sucks but you go on. And that is something I'm happy to have learned. 

So, why do I write this blog? Why do I share these things that make me cringe (and my poor mother)? Well, I hope that somewhere out there someone else is reading it and thinking 'that sounds like me' and maybe, just maybe, they don't feel so alone. And maybe they'll come out of their shell and not be afraid and guilty and lonely and like themselves a little bit more because they're not the only one.

As always, here's the only equation to loving yourself that makes sense to me:

[(Being gay + Christianity/time passed(love of those around you)) + positive role models (lots of therapy) - bad experiences x (alchohol/alcohol fueled good times with friends) + good times with friends] + a healthy dose of distance = loving yourself

10 things people say to light-skinned black people (that might get them cut)

We hear about it often - black public figures whose images have been lightened for acceptance. But, is it really any easier to be fairer* skinned? I get it all the time from my own family - some how, being a fair-skinned black person is a breeze compared to what it's like for those who are darker.

But, for all my light-skinned brothers and sisters out there I know you'll understand. People say crazy stuff to us all the time BECAUSE we're fair-skinned. It's like somehow, because we're not as dark, we get all the awkward questions that people are too scared to ask other black people.

Yes, I am guilty of sometimes playing into these, letting it slide or just laughing it off for ease of social transactions. But, inside (and outside), I am rolling my eyes and judging you... hard.

1. 50 Shades of Blackness

You: You're not THAT black
Me: Black enough to be hanged.

Who says this: Black and white people**
Why this is annoying:
Bottom line, light/dark/somewhere in between, all black people experience prejudice and racism. Under Jim Crow laws there was the One-drop rule which stated that if you had even one ancestor of African descent you were considered black and therefore you could be killed indiscriminately. Yes, people say being fair-skinned makes you more socially acceptable. But, that in itself is racist. We still face off with bigots and experience that awkward moment where other people say 'I forget you're even black' and then proceed to make a black joke.

2. Tanning your hide

You: Look! I'm almost darker than you (holding their holiday tanned arm next to yours and pointing)
Me: Yes, but I'm not going to get skin cancer.

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
I don't understand what this obsession is. Great, you can get a tan! And yes, I get darker when I go in the sun too. It's not annoying so much as bemusing that for generations the idea of being black was maligned by whites but many white people are gagging themselves (and in fact endangering their health) to be black-ish. Yes, we all look healthier with a bit of sun (says the black guy who moved to Scotland). But, when you look like a wrinkled leather bag in 10 years it's actually kind of gross. Love yourself the way that you are.

Let's be honest - no one is the right shade of band-aid

3. Different strokes
You: Yeah, well you had it easier because you're light-skinned.
Me: Black enough to be hanged.

Who says this: Black people
Why it's annoying:
Have you been me? I go back to the one-drop rule. I've had idiots treat me like I'm less of a person because I'm black. I've been called the 'N-word' in spite. I've had friends' parents assume I went to a good college because I was on a basketball scholarship. People hit on me saying 'I've always wondered what it'd be like to be with a black guy.' You think I'm some how 'safe' from stupid because I've got a bit more vanilla in my swirl? Well, you're wrong. Don't add to the stupid by hating on me. Let's be united against idiots.

3. It's tough for you. Yeah yeah yeah

You: Are you one of those white-acting black people?
Me: If by 'white-acting' you mean articulate, thoughtful and my mom taught me how to act right (behave myself) in public, then, yes I am, you racist.

Who says this: Black and white people
Why this is annoying:
It's not annoying. It's flat out racist. I don't care who says it.

If you're white and you say this, take a long think about what you mean by 'acting black' and realise that's based solely on prejudice. How would you feel if I asked you if you were one of those red-neck white people? Change your thinking.

If you're black and you say this, have a long hard think about what expectations you have of yourself because of internalised racism and/or you justifying acting like an asshole in general. There's a difference between respecting your culture and heritage and just being a jerk.Change your thinking.

Would I be treated differently if I were darker?
Is it still blacking up if I'm already black? Awkward :-/

4. Papa can you hear me

You: Are both your parents black?
Me: Yes, and they taught me not to ask inappropriate questions. 

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Come on?! Unless you're having a discussion about heritage this is not ok. Even if you know the person 'really well' (mostly because if you know them really well you'll have seen, heard stories of or met their parents already). That's like asking people 'Are your parents divorced?' for no reason. Why not ask even more probing family questions like: How long was your mother in labour for? What are your saddest memories from childhood? When was your last sexual health check up? Can I have a vile of your blood? In polite society anything that might potentially have a really deep, long, possibly probing answer is not something you bring up without context or permission.

5. Damnit, Jim. I'm a black person, not a geneticist

You: How are the people in your family different colours if you have the same parents?
Me: How do the people in your family have different colour hair and eyes? Genetics.

Who says this: Mostly white people but I know some black people wonder too
Why this is annoying:
Well, for one reason, I'm not a geneticist so why would you assume I know any more than you? But, mostly it's frustrating because I think people are expecting something juicy and easy to understand like 'we have different fathers' or something. That would be easy for your mind to grasp, but would be deeply personal and rude of you to ask if it was. However, the reality is it's just genetics. Recessive, dominant, whatever genes. People pick up different physical traits, skin pigmentation being one of them.

6. What is reality?

You: Are you really... 'black' black?
Me: *Cocks eye-brow and glares (as presumably only a black person can) silently communicating 'Did you really just ask me that? I might cut you?'*

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Rachel Dolezal is not 'black' black. Go to the back of the class and see items 4 and 5. What is it you really want to know? Would the answer make you more or less comfortable? If it changes nothing what does it really matter? It doesn't matter two flying figs what my parentage is. Black people come in all flavours. What you see is what you get. Being 'black' black doesn't change how society perceives you when you have African features and brown skin.

7. Dopplen**ger

You: You look just like 'other fair-skinned black person they know'. Are you related?
Me: Why do people keep asking me that? But, funny you should ask. I do know Kendall.

Who says this: Black and white people
Why this is annoying:
There is a guy my sisters went to high school with named Kendall. And for all my life people have asked if I'm his brother. I mean, we look about as alike as two fair-skinned black guys do. But you would never say that if you saw my sisters and see how much we ACTUALLY look alike because we're actually related. This is just an annoying phenomenon that I think lots of people get. But, my experience has been that it's white people saying any black person looks like any other black person  (mostly celebrities). My mother was once compared to Whoopi Goldberg. I mean WTF?

'Nuff said

8. It's a game of inches

You: Is it true what they say about black guys?
Me: Yes, we do all carry guns. So back the f**k up. (polite alternative: It is true. My parents are black.)

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Black people in general get this. It is not flattering. It is not original. And it is not clever. Why don't you ask your other white friends who might have ridden the low-down rail road  to piss off their parents. If you ask this of a black man he will either ignore you completely or he will assume you're a ho, take you for a quicky (making zero eye contact), possibly steal some money from your wallet, and then never call you.

9. I am not my hair

You: Can I touch your hair?
Me: Can I touch your boobs/penis?

Who says this: White people
Why this is annoying:
Before you ask if you can touch someone's hair stop and think of when you have ever asked anyone else if you could touch their hair. Then subtract those people who are black and how many are you left with? If the answer is more than zero you have some sort of hair fetish and/or some sort of social disorder. Now, before you get mad, I have never EVER asked any one of another race if I could touch their hair. I understand you're curious, but I'm not a touch and teach playskool book. Just think: most people don't want some stranger rubbing their nasty cheeto-stained hands all up on their head. And, the odds that anyone (especially women) who'd spent loads of time and money to get their hair so correct that it's delicious looking enough to be pawed at does not actually want it to be touched.

10. Just kidding

You: Is it ok if I tell a black joke?
Me: No!

Who says this: Idiots
Why this is annoying:
First of all, if you need to ask permission to tell a joke then you already know it's going to offend someone. So, don't. This is up there with beginning a statement with 'I'm not a racist, but...' Whatever you are about to say next IS going to be racist. Avenue Q nailed it. Everyone's a little bit racist (I like to think everyone's a little be prejudice but you know what they mean). But, sometimes knowing your audience is key. So, keep your racist joke to yourself please.

Bottom line

Remember, asking questions and trying to understand is ok. But, it's all about the context. And making sweeping statements about what it's like to be in my shoes is not. If you're having trouble navigating the murky waters of what you should or shouldn't say to a black person who's fair-skinned just remember:

Questioning someone’s race (shade of skin + potential for racial stereotyping) / ([how well you know the person - how much you actually want to stay friends with that person] + context) - do you really need to know = look it up on YouTube 

(Seriously, everything is on YouTube. Check out Madame Noir’s ‘Ask A Black Man’ series or All Def Digital)

*When I use the word 'fair-skinned' in this article I'm referring to 'fair' as in 'light' not 'fair' as in beautiful. Everyone is beautiful at any shade under the human spectrum (and as Zoe Saldana proved in Gaurdians of the Galaxy you can be pretty hot in shades of green too). But, yeah, I mean 'light-skinded' y'all.

** Yes, everyone is a little bit racist. But I can honestly say none of the above examples have ever occurred with people of any other race.