Sunday 31 May 2020

The world watching America - Black Lives Matter

Today, like the last few days, news is filled with stories about the protests in US because of George Floyd and the ongoing decimation of Black lives in the US perpetrated by Police and citizens taking the law into their own hands. And, as I read about the protests all I can think is, "good".

Will these protests change anything? Doubtful, given the current administration full of bullies, sycophants and sadistic narcissistic capitalists. But Black people deserved to vent their anger and fear - the frustration and rage at the racism and murderous intent by institutions that have persisted over the last 400 years. 

Racism is simple: It's valuing the lives, attitudes and culture of one race over another. Police in America continue to value the lives of white citizens and police officers over those of Black and Brown people. Police officers take an oath to "serve and protect", not play judge and executioner. Yet, we know for a fact that as long as you are white and have a gun or a badge, it is completely fine for you to kill a Black person in cold blood. 

Growing up in the US I lived my life encased in that fear - around every corner someone was going to kill me whether I did anything wrong or not. My life was in the hands of everyone but me. And, it wasn't until I left America and learned to live outside of that constant terror that I realised the true impact of it. 

I wonder who I might have been if I hadn't been taught never to go into a shop unless I was actually going to buy something - my mother handing me a $5 bill. Not to spend. It was protection in case someone accused me of stealing. I only learned to 'browse' in shops on a trip to Belgium last year when a friend pointed out that I didn't have to stare through shop windows to assess if I might actually buy something.

What else could I have done with my mind if I hadn't been trained to observe walking down the street as an obstacle course and exercise in artifice - try not to look too threatening to that white lady, but try not to look so weak as to be susceptible to victimisation from people who are so oppressed that they'll look for anyone that they can put down.  

What else might I have accomplished if I hadn't learned to see tragedy as common place, locking my anger away until it festered and contorted itself into a constant anxiety for fear of manifesting any negative emotion lest I be labelled as an angry Black man - a spoiled unusable thing in a society that valued my compliance to preconceptions of brutishness or docile servitude. 

Who would my nieces and nephew become if they didn't have to live with the same burdens I grew up with - Black boys who dress like that are thugs. Black girls who dress like that are hoes. Black skin is a risk to your life expectancy. 

Living outside the US I remember the first time I caught someone staring at me in a shop and I realised they thought I was attractive instead of suspecting me as a thief. Before leaving the US I never had the capacity to accept that other people saw me as anything other than Black and dangerous. And I wondered how many relationships or opportunities I had eschewed because my only experience prior to that was that if someone is staring at me it's because they are afraid of me and will hurt me?

The real thief is the persistent racism in America that robs Black people of the gift of freedom - freedom from the deep personal, mental, emotional and physical shackles that keep a race of people from actualising their potential - a freedom that so many other groups could find simply by anglicising their surnames and blending in if they choose (not that anyone should have to).

Being Black is so much more than pain and suffering. There is joy. There is family. There is food and culture and art and so much beauty. But, how much more could we be as a people if our kids didn't have to learn the painful lessons we learned, that our parents learned, that our grandparents and their grandparents learned over and over?

I've seen literally seen Black people murdered in the street. My parents have too. My grand parents saw them hanged. And their grand parents saw them ripped apart by whips and dogs. What generation will no longer see Black people dragged in the street and killed by 'the law' just for existing in the same space as white people?

I live in Scotland now. And, even as a Black, gay, immigrant with disabilities, I see the opportunities I have here to expand myself and for the country as a whole to do something different - to really change the game in race equality in a predominantly white society. Scotland has the chance to write a new narrative for the ever increasing minority communities that come to these shores. I hope we take every opportunity we're given.

But, I also can't hide from the horror in my home country because every time I turn on the news there is someone dying in horrific and completely avoidable way. I can't avoid it when I close my eyes because I relive the memories of the first time I realised a white person could limit my opportunities simply because they didn't like me based on the colour of my skin. 

The world now sees through social media the reality of relentless evil and dehumanisation that Black people in America have been subjected to every day since that first ship brought "20 and odd negroes" to (what is now) Virginia in 1619.

In so many respects the world is watching the US, previously as a leader and now as a twisted cautionary tale. But, how can it truly be a lesson unless the rest of the world, Scotland included, take action to do something about it?

I was once told that racism is a downward escalator. The racists are actively walking down, being carried along at double speed. Most people are standing still, complicit and carried along whether they want to or not. And, even those who are moving backward are just standing still, stagnating in their efforts because of their slow pace. The only real way to combat it is to work twice as hard to go upwards in the other direction.

How are you fighting to go the other way? How are you helping take us further away from the ultimate evil that will see the continued denigration and eventual destruction of a people?

We need white allies just as much as we need Black people standing up for their right to exist without fear of being murdered. Time to put that white saviour complex to good use! We need to be united in our abhorrence of the treatment of Black and Brown people in America. We need other countries to openly condemn and sanction the persistent and insidious human rights violations that are perpetuated on American soil every day. Maybe the world will unite in this unprecedented time of pandemic fear and death to say to the US powerhouse, "We're not ok with what you're doing to your citizens", so that one day America can really call itself the land of the free, not just for white people. 

Sunday 31 March 2019

The heavy lifting of grief

In the last six years I've lost a close friend or loved one every year (5/6 to cancer and the other was sudden and unexpected).

I thought I was getting the hang of losing people but this last one has thrown me for a loop again. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't taking it like a champ. Hadn't I done this enough? Haven't I written about lost loved ones, walked miles in sunlit contemplation of my relationships with the deceased, and learned to ride the the Kubler Ross wave like fekking Aquaman? Hadn't I become proficient in grief and moving on?

But, what I'm realising is, no matter how much you lose, each loss is a new loss.
Themo H Peel - the weight of mortality

Yes, I remember this grief feeling acutely. The muscles that I flexed and pulled as I agonised over the last death are still there. They are familiar. But with each death they contract and loosen anew. They strain and pull in their own unique rhythm. Sometimes the pain is a passing cramp. Other times it's a malingering (a malign lingering feeling) ache that intensifies or eases depending on stimuli and time.

But it doesn't get easier. Each death compounds the feeling of futility, confusion, fear and isolation.

What I'm realising is that unlike a skill or even some romantic relationships, death doesn't present you with a one to one equation (what's the best way to get over a man?...). When you lose a loved one that person and what they represent to your life can't be replaced. You'll always have the memories. The only thing you lose is the option for more. Their memories, their lessons, still linger. And, their death is the catalyst that calcifies and hardens those memories into weighted grief.

No one likes to lose. It's a selfish (and perfectly human) terror induced feeling of being robbed. And grief robs us of the opportunity to continue to shape and change our memories and experiences with that person. And the amount of experiences you had with them seems to directly correspond to the heft of what's left behind.

And, as lovely as it is to hold on to memories, they also come with a slap in the face from Mortality. That bitch wants your attention and her heavy kiln-like ass sits on your memories and compresses them until they turn into a heavy jagged boulder.

"Hey... Guess what?...You're going to die just like them," she whispers. "Oh, and when you do, people will grieve... but they'll move on."

Suddenly, you realise that you're going to die just like them. And, perhaps, someone will go through this existential, etherial muscle ache. But it won't bring you back. Each loss is stacked in front of you to lift and carry. And that weight you can drag, fling or carry as you attempt to jog, walk or crawl towards the oncoming inevitable finish line.

Harry Dozier - Grief Gear
Get your grief lifting gear on
Eventually, you get used to the heft and continue on until the next weighted death is plopped on top and you go about reconditioning your grief muscles to carry the load of life; a life that leads to an end - good or bad - expected or unexpected - violent or peaceful.

"You are not immortal. You will die and that knowledge is the last gift they gave you," Mortality coos, licking her lips, as she piles on another dead friend's loaded memory.

So, no matter how much you do it, no matter how well you understand the grieving process, it doesn't negate the hard work of getting up every morning and lifting the new loss and learning to walk with it, day after day. Like a macabre bodybuilder, you can only equip yourself for the weight training process and keep trying until you can lift it or become inured to the weight and be crushed.

Recommended training regime:
Week 1 (every day):  3 x 60 min naps, 30 tear baths, 1 bowl of soup, 10 foetal position curls.
Week 2 (every day):  3 x 30 min naps, 20 tear baths, 1 bowl of soup, 2 x bread rolls, 5 foetal position curls, 1 walk in park, 1 call with friends
Weeks 3 & 4 (4 days): 1 x 30 min naps, 5 tear baths, 1 full meal, coffee, 1 foetal position curl, 2 walks in park, 1 trip to shops, 1 visit with friend

"Great job! See you soon," Mortality cackles as she hops on her chopper made out of bones and rides to a nearby diner.

Themo H Peel - mortality is a biker
Of course Mortality rides a chopper

Sunday 16 December 2018

My Top Christmas albums

I'm a huge Christmas fan. I enjoy the lights and colour and the fact that most people make a bit of an effort to be a little bit nicer. I count down the days in November until the Friday after Thanksgiving when it's officially Christmas season to start blasting the tunes (I use rehearsals for my Christmas concerts as an excuse to start a bit earlier though).

Elf - Santa gif

Christmas music ranges from amazing and transportative (not a word) to rage inducing dreck. These are the albums and songs that I could actually listen to any time of year. But, the ones that are top of the list for getting me into the spirit.

Good Christmas music:
Aloe Blacc - Christmas Funk
Aloe Blacc brings us the funkiest
Christmas album of 2018
There's a fine line between so schmaltzy it's good and down right awful. Good Christmas music (like any good music) has a perspective. It tells a story or communicates a sentiment that is familiar or at least relatable. The best for me taps into the bitter-sweet tenor that runs through the holiday season. It's not all fairy lights and cozy sweaters. But neither is it 'Fairy Tale of New York' drug addict abusive.

Bad Christmas music:
I loathe what I call 'Sound of Music Christmas songs'. The kind of song that attempts to be emotionally manipulative by simply listing off Christmassy things and expecting it to resonate. I'm like, don't tell me how to feel. You don't know me! You don't know what my Christmas is like! But, again, I'll use 'Fairy Tale of New York' as an example, I also don't want to be dragged through the worst of human kind because I have the news for that.

(Side Note: If you're in any relationship like the one in 'FToNH' please leave it. You deserve better, not just at Christmas time.)

So without further adieu, here are my top Christmas albums to get me in the holiday spirit (in no particular order)

Sia - Puppies are foreverSia "Everyday is Christmas"
This album is amazing. I love Sia anyway. But, this whole albums rides the line between ridiculously poppy and the beautiful reflection. And I've probably listened to this album just as a general 'need to cheer up' album any time of the year. All original songs, the album bucks trends and talks about bringing sad people sunshine, lists auburn as a Christmas colour and deals with the hazards of loving a snow man. For heaven's sake 'Puppy are forever' is the most endearing song with a serious message about taking care of your pets!

Pomplamoose's EP "Christmas in Space" 
Pomplamoose are a great fun band. There EP "Christmas in Space" is a fun slice of their quirky goodness. A particular North star is tthe song "Always in the Season" which so perfectly describes why I do all my shopping in November or online.

Ella Fitzgerald's "Ella Fitzgerald's Christmas"
Do I even need to explain this? Ella's my go to girl for any kind of background music. This is the perfect tree trimming song and Ella's vocals (on EVERYTHING) just put me in the best mood. If 'comfort and joy' was a sound it would be Ella Fitzgerald's voice.

Pentatonix - "A Pentatonix Christmas" 
The original Pentatonix line up
Pentatonix third Christmas album in 2016 is by far my favourite. Though their first "PTXmas" in 2012 was a great holiday offering. And the second Christmas album is also really good. Standard Christmas fare. But, they finally got the tone right by the third. The group is at their best when they're fast and upbeat. It's their quirky fun arrangements that made them a viral sensation and "A Pentatonix Christmas" captures that. I love each of the songs on this but my stand out picks have to be "Coldest Winter", "Good to be bad," "White Christmas", "Up on a housetop" and "Hallelujah" (ok so that's almost half the album).

I've always been a fan of a cappella. There's something about the human voice in harmony on its own that makes music resonate inside of me like no instrument ever could. Pentatonix are one of the most innovative groups (and possibly one of the best well known). And thank goodness their music is amazing because the more famous they get the more their fashion makes them look like designer trash people. But, as they song says, sometimes is "good to be bad".

Multiple artists "A Christmas Gift For You From Phil Spector"
What? You mean you've not listened to "A Christmas Gift for You From Phil Spector"? Well, do it now. If you're into doo-wop and Mowtown this is the Christmas album for you. Full disclosure - the wee Phil Spector dialogue at the end is a bit creepy for some reason. But, not only do you get Christmas hits from the likes of The Ronnettes and The Crystals, but the UK version comes with a few extra songs. And that means that "Swinging on a Star" has somehow become a Christmas song to me.

Stevie Wonder "Someday at Christmas"
It's an oldy but a good. Like Ella, I don't really think I need to explain or justify this. It's Stevie Wonder and it's Christmas. All things that make like a little bit better. Put them together and you get perfection.


John Legend - A Legendary Christmas
John Legend "A Legendary Christmas"
This whole album is like someone pouring warm buttery toffee directly into your brain. John Legend is in fact a legend. And his take on a soulful Christmas album this year has made my holiday season merry and bright. His take on classics both modern and old are absolute perfection. The choice of songs is perfect for him as well as his own original offerings which will become classics in their own time. Like many of the albums on this list it's his original work that does the most for me. "Bring Me Love" and "By Christmas Eve" are songs that capture the meaning of the holiday perfectly - love, togetherness, and slice of laid back and mellow cheer.

Aloe Blacc "Christmas Funk" 
Plain and simple, this is an amazing funk album that happens to be about Christmas. The cover of Wham!'s "Last Christmas" and "All I want for Christmas" are fun funky re-imaginings. But, the opening song "Tell Your Mama" actually transports me back to growing up at church and any where you were without your parents you got a "and don't forget to tell your mama". For better or worse there was a great community feeling and that statement sums it all up for me.

Sponge Bob "Don't Be A Jerk (It's Christmas)"
I know. I know. But, seriously, listen to it. It's hilarious. But, it's not only funny but has a great message. I was introduced to this song a few years ago and it instantly became a favourite. It's everything I've ever wanted to say to a bratty kid going spare in a shop. Forget elf on the shelf. Sponge Bob actually lays the smack down on people who put commercialism above being decent. Hats off to you, Sir Bob. I try to get all my holiday shopping done before the rush. But, if I have to go to the shops during the busy season I find myself humming this as I watch people scramble and go nuts.


Waitresses "Christmas Wrapping"
"Bah humbug, but that's too strong 'cause this is my favourite holiday!" As someone who's spent a fair few Christmases by myself this song totally gets me. Again, it strikes that beautiful balance between cheer and the very real feeling of exhaustion and needing a break from all the expectations of the holiday. It's super punky and super sweet and something about those discordant bells at the beginning let me know it's time to begin getting excited for Christmas.

And of course
Mariah Carey

Mariah Carey "Merry Christmas"
Even if you haven't heard the whole album, you've heard "All I Want for Christmas". There's a reason that song and this album have dominated the Christmas charts for over 20 years (geez I feel old). Even though Mariah has lost some of the pop sheen in recent years her talent is undeniable and this album are the definitive

Usually the John Lewis tune - except this year which is basically just an advert for Elton John. They didn't even bother re-recording it or doing an all new interpretation.

Honourable mentions:

  • Joni Mitchell "River"- this song and Joni's voice are absolute perfection
  • Glee "Jingle Bell Rock" - like so many songs from Glee, this arrangement puts sparkle on a standard.
  • K T Tunstall "Mele Kalikimaka" - just a great fun song and a great version.
  • John Lewis adverts - I wait for this every year with excitement. The arrangements of pop songs often bring out meaning that you otherwise might have missed which makes these songs special. However, this year was a huge disappointment because it was essentially an advert for Elton John. They didn't even bother re-recording it or doing an all new interpretation.

Friday 29 June 2018

Rebel with a cause - Come Dine With Me

A picture is worth a thousand words, right? For my night on Come Dine With Me in Edinburgh I made badges for my guests that symbolised fun and incredible things about them. And, all week I also wore badges that symbolised some of the things that are most important to me.

I was always taught every platform you get is a chance to raise up your community. Come Dine With Me was a chance to talk about issues close to my heart. However, I knew those chances were going to be minimal on air. We also weren't allowed to wear anything with other people's art, branding, political messages or words on it (Except my cheeky Yale tshirt!). So, I had to get creative, literally, to get my message across.

I designed and created my own badges to say the words I wouldn't necessarily be able to say. You might have caught glimpses of them on air. So here they are with their corresponding issues.

Anti gun crime

Anti gun violence badge
Being American, gun crime and gun control are subjects close to my heart. I grew up annually attending memorials for kids my age who were the victims of gun crime. I have family and friends who've been affected by it. More than anything, it makes me sad so many young people's lives are at risk and that people are still unable, or unwilling, to see that better regulation (at least) is the only way to improve it. I think the way that it's currently being handled and addressed by some in America is farcical. So, for the badge, I took inspiration from The Comedian's iconic blood spattered badge from the comic, Watchmen by Alan Moore. Referencing one of the most thought provoking comics about moral grey areas was fitting, given the Comedian's own relationship to violence as a so-called hero. I like to think wearing this badge was my very own Rorschack moment.

Mental Health

Mental Health Badge
I've made no secret about my own struggles with depression and anxiety. Positive, open attitudes towards talking about it is something our society needs more of. For some people an episode of ill mental health is a one off. For others it's a life time struggle, just like any other health issue. But the stigma and judgement can only be defeated if we talk about it. The subject really hit home for me when a friend lost a loved one to suicide while I was filming night 2! It was a horrifying shock. But, it made me all the more resolved to spread the word. I used the title of one of my favourite Fiona Apples songs, Extraordinary Machine. The lyric is "Be kind to me, or treat me mean - I'll make the most of it. I'm an extraordinary machine".. I think it speaks to the beautiful contradition that is being human. The human body and brain are just that - these extraordinary machines that can do so many amazing things. We have moving parts that need to be cared for. However, the badge turns it on it's head. As humans we are extraordinary, but we are not machines. Uunlike machines sometimes there's no easy fix for what ails us. You can't just remove and replace parts. We need to face our own 'brokenness' with compassion and understanding - in ourselves and others. The sad brain and the awkward smile demonstrate that dichotomy - smiling on the outside; showing off your extraordinary machine. But inside needing some tlc.

LGBTI equality

This one I didn't create myself. But there was no point in reinventing the wheel. It was actually a rainbow badge that I've had for years that's faded in the sun. I like the way the pastels of the muted rainbow look a bit like the trans flag. So I kept the badge instead of swapping it for something brighter and new.

Black Lives Matter

Black Lives Matter
"Yes, sir. No, sir. Thank you, sir." The only 7 words you need to know if you're black and stopped by the police.

Obviously, there are amazing cops. My brother-in-law is one of them. I was lucky enough to know my neighbourhood police as a kid. But, the numbers don't lie. Black people in America are more likely to be fatally shot by police than white counterparts. You don't have to look past Starbucks to see that racial bias is alive, well and kicking people out in America.

It's scares me to think that my Black nieces and nephew are growing up under that bias like I did. I know they will thrive and be brilliant and accomplish great things despite it. But, I wonder, what could they be if they weren't constantly mentally assessing their surroundings for danger - even from those sworn to protect them?

I wore this badge on my night and made it stand out as much as possible - a black badge against a white shirt. I knew it was slightly bending the rules because it had a political tone. But it was a worthwhile risk. I managed to sneak it past for the first part of my night before the crew clocked what it was and asked if I'd take it off. I didn't push the issue because they said they wouldn't bother reshooting the footage where I had it on. I'm glad it made it into a few shots.

Cancer awareness

Cancer Awareness
I'm terrified by cancer. I've lost a friend or family member to cancer every year since I turned 30. The first person I lost was my best friend (only 30 years old herself) and both my mother's parents died from it. It's a sobering fact to realise that 1 in 4 people will have cancer. And, everyone will be affected by it in some way. Since I moved to Scotland I've been singing with the choir Showcase in Edinburgh who raise money for Macmillan Cancer Support. It's an amazing thing to be able to use my hobby as a way to do something positive for people and their families affected by this illness. So, it was just as important to help raise awareness of it on Come Dine With Me.

Thursday 28 June 2018

Fun Dining – My night on Come Dine With Me

Come Dine With Me was a chance to bring all my hosting skills to bear. I was taught that the goal of having people in your house is to make them feel at home. That's what my night was all about - sharing a piece of me and letting people unwind. And hopefully my home cooking and heaped plates of food could win me the grand.

Come Dine With Me Edinburgh 2018 contestants
Come Dine With Us!!

Hosting versus Hospitality

I’ve eaten at Michelin Star restaurants. I enjoy a good 7 course taster menu. I know which cutlery to use when and the difference between a red and white wine glass. But, just because I’ve been to those restaurants doesn’t mean I can do what they do! (For one thing I don’t own the crockery - thanks Aisling who lent me some forks!)

Growing up in a Black American church, you learn that food is ministry. Food is community. Food is love. When someone is sick or loses a family member, you bring them food. As a kid, everyone who came into our house was offered food. Kids in my neighbourhood knew my mom as the lady who gave out ice pops to anyone on hot days. It’s how I learned to communicate the important ideals of togetherness and care. 
Come Dine With Me Edinburgh 2018
Christmas a la Dozier

Dinner parties were a communal affair – pot lucks. Everyone brings a really BIG dish of their favourite foods. And every family had a specialty. When I think of family meals I think of Sonia’s pulled pork, my dad’s dinner rolls and banana pudding, mom’s mac and cheese and greens, Miss Kay’s hot wings, and countless other ‘family specials’. Everyone gets a paper plate and cutlery and helps themselves. Then you stand around and talk and laugh and be together.

But, as a kid, I hated dinner parties. Crowded houses with loud conversation and carry on was overwhelming and made me want to hide in my bedroom. It wasn’t until I went to university and met my best friend that I learned the finer art of hosting.

Being a host

Hosting is hard work! And thankfully I learned it from my best friend, Ryan (she's the one who I have a tattoo of over my heart). As a dynamic duo hosting was easy. Ryan was front of house. She had the charm, refinement and social grace to cope with looking after every individual. I was back of house. I made sure everyone was enjoying music, made sure cups were full, and when the noise and chaos of the party got too much I had an excuse to duck into the back to refill the chip bowl.

Ryan (centre) hosting our last college dinner

But, the best thing I learned was this: in the middle of all the chaos and craziness find a moment to take a step back and listen. Are people laughing and having fun? Parties are about the people who are there, not about who couldn't make it. Parties are about making sure everyone's enjoying themselves. If that happens, you’ve been successful. To do that, sometimes you have make the effort and push yourself out of your comfort zone – that’s what being a host is. And that’s why I did Come Dine With Me.

I’ve also learned from my Scottish family that you can’t do everything all the time. Burdening yourself to be everything to everyone at all times over the course of the night means you, as a host, aren’t having fun. And your guests will notice it. So, when in doubt, get them a drink. It will tide people over while you take a break! Or, if they don’t drink, a snack or some entertainment.

Either way, above all, make everyone feel included.  

My food

Come Dine With Me Edinburgh 2018 - Harry Dozier food
how my food usually looks
On my Come Dine With Me night I went for home foods. Comfort food. Did I know it was risky to go for non-traditional British ‘dinner party food’? Yes. But, I cooked what I love to share that love with my guests. Salmon cakes are the one thing I always ask my mom to make when I go home. Mac and cheese is eaten at every big family meal. Once a former colleague told me my family’s macaroni and cheese tradition would be seen as common in Britain. But, I'm proud of where I come from. So, if someone thinks it's 'improper', well they can find somewhere else to eat.

I’ve learned I can’t go wrong being myself. I wanted to show four new people me and what my version of hospitality and hosting are. If the food itself isn’t to everyone’s tastes I hoped that my approach to opening my home would.

Come Dine With Me Edinburgh 2018 - Harry Dozier foodAs it was a competition I avoided just piling food on the plate. Making Japanese rice balls is the closest I get to fancy and even my presentation of them is often... deconstructed (lazy). So, for Come Dine I tried to elevate my home cooking in a way that at least showed effort. I made sure all ingredients were fresh and quality and I made a pedestrian attempt at ‘nice’ plating. I also made more reductions and purees than I ever have… or ever will again! Maybe it all still looked a mess. But, hey, I tried!





What a dinner party is to me

One of my fav Saturday dinner parties
Dinner parties these days are friends and laughter and being full. It’s dinner with Paul and Caroline watching 10-month-old Rory cram strawberries into his mouth. It’s hanging out with Billy and helping his 8-year-old son make tacos and a cheesecake. It’s hanging out with Alex and Sara making cookies and crafts or Christmas dinner with my pals. My boyfriend is even my sous chef and front of house for those times I still get overwhelmed.  

I'll be honest, seeing the level of fine dining that others were expecting didn't intimidate me. It was a relief. I was never going to be able to do that. Sure I could put out the forks and glasses properly. But my ethos was never about that. I was going to do the best version of me. 

My night came off well enough and the only thing I regret is that the combination of nerves and paying attention to plating I lost sight of some of the finer details like:

  • I forgot to ask people how they were enjoying things.
  • I forgot to offer the less-American alternatives I prepared if there was something they didn’t like
  • I bought a new salt cellar but forgot to put it on the table
  • I accidentally mislaid one of my place settings and Sod’s Law it was Bruce’s place which I accidentally set improperly!!

A casual place (setting) for everything
However, my favourite parts of the night were the in between times. My happiest were:

  • Sharing my writing and art
  • Opening up to the group about my experiences with anxiety and depression
  • The joy I felt after two hours visiting every card and gift shop to find the perfect cards for my guests. Then seeing their faces and knowing I got it right
  • Hearing everyone laughing and enjoying themselves
  • Not having a panic attack
  • Walking into a room full of people with their faces covered in glitter

Come Dine With Me Edinburgh 2018 contestants

For me, the glitter moment was my moment of zen. I realised that I’d done my job as a host and lived up to the standards of the people I care about. Despite some little details, I did good (and I mean 'good' not 'well'). And, I had a lot of fun doing it too.

-- Harry Dozier, Edinburgh

Wednesday 27 June 2018

The Gay Question - Come Dine With Me

I was on the gayest Come Dine With Me ever!

Harry Dozier - Come Dine With Me Edinburgh
No time to be shy. 10s across the board!
As a Black gay man in a predominantly white heterosexual country I was a little bit nervous about going on Come Dine With Me. Reality TV is designed to put people of differing opinions together in a confined stressful situation. I was almost certain that one of my two 'differences' were going to be a plot point. And, let's face it, there's always one gay guy who either plays the role of the villain or the puppy in these things. I wasn't happy to be either. So when I realised all of the men in my group were gay, it meant that I could relax my guard around those issues. And it opened a whole other can of worms!

First contact

"Just knock on the door, say hello, and walk in."

The door swung open and inside stood James. He had all the height and warmth of Hagrid but was better groomed and impeccably dressed in a floral print shirt and kilt. I relaxed a little. I could instantly tell from the bright colours of his home (and shirt) that I was in the presence of another arty person. I also thought I recognised him. Possibly from the 'scene'. But, I definitely knew his face from a 'gay context'. I wasn't sure what. But it didn't matter. I was in a gay-safe space.

"Come through," James said, ushering me into the flat.

Stop. Do it again for the cameras. Look more surprised (and less nervous). The production team took over and after a moment I was shown to our holding cell... I mean green room... I mean the living room.

As I rounded the corner I was bedazzled by a vision of a man shimmering from head to toe. I noticed the gold jacket first and I thought, "Phew! I was worried my tie was going to be too bright!" The man inside the jacket, Bruce, was crowned with platinum blonde hair, and the glimmer from his diamond earring and ring were like crack for my ADD brain. Bruce announced his presence with his wardrobe.
Me on Come Dine With Me Edinburgh 2018
Boys on film

We instantly introduced ourselves. But that was the wrong thing to do because it wasn't on camera. We introduced ourselves three more times for the camera. James handed me a margarita which I started drinking before I was meant to. And then the production team left to set up the next guest's arrival.

We three eyed each other up warily. We were three gay men... alone in a room... on reality tv. What were they planning?

Reading rainbow

I was secretly relieved, standing there in my bow tie and round specs. I was not the only gay in the village. And, next to James and Bruce in their fabulous outfits I was practically wallpaper (I wasn't really, but I have to add a bit of drama for affect).

As I'm wont to do, I tried to fill the silence with inane chatter and made some comment about tequila being my dance on tables juice.

We were then told not to talk too much. Save it for the cameras.

So, the point of commonality between the three men was never actually mentioned and hung between us like stagnant water. We poured alcohol and food over the question and the introductions rolled on. We met Aisling and Katy and other bits of unknown creeped into the growing trepidation. The 'gay' question became irrelevant as we got down to the more pressing matters of who didn't like cheese, how long things were going to take, and who would snap first under Henrietta's guantanimo style questioning.

Come Dine With Me contestants Edinburgh 2018 
beginning of the night
Finally, mid-week, after the familiarity of libations loosened our lips, the gay question came up.

Come Dine With Me Edinburgh Contestants
end of the night

3 fairies, a witch and a leprechaun walk into a bar

"Did you get three gay guys on purpose?" we asked the production team off camera. By this time, we'd all talked about our husbands and boyfriends. So, it was no secret (not that it could have been if we tried).

Come Dine With Me - Alvin and the Chipmunks"It came up once in pre-production. But, you were all the best group and someone pointed out it wouldn't be an issue if you were all straight men," one of the production team said.

But, we were in fact the first Come Dine where all the men were openly gay men. And, let's be honest, from our personalities, it was clear they were hoping for fireworks. However, we were less like cats in a bag and more like Alvin and the Chipmunks - three very different guys who got along and happened to be gay.

FYI: Bruce = Alvin, the trendy, flashy one. James = Theodore, the quiet, kind, loveable one. Me = Simon, the slightly over serious, responsible one.

And, despite the potential for high drama among the boys, we had two incredibly amazing ladies with big personalities. They weren't there to be the supporting cast to our gay shenanigans. The casting crew got it right. What ever potential for ire and 'oh no she betta don'ts' melted away under the fun of a group who genuinely wanted to get along... and win £1000.

Proud

When too many people of any gender and sexual preference are in a room together there's going to be an element of competition. For attention, for alpha status, for whatever. Let's face it we're biolgical monsters that way. Add in an actual competition... watch out! Come Dine With Me isn't just about food. It's about charm and getting people to like you, and having fun. So, it was a bit dubious when I found out that of the 5 contestants, the 3 men were gay. I could imagine the teeth grinding awkwardeness (and glitter) that the producers were probably hoping for - the kind of infamous disasters that reality TV dynasties are built on.

Yes, there was tension. But, I'm so proud of how well we got on despite our different views. We didn't set out to make a point. But, all three of us are reasonable men who happen to be gay. And we had two fabulous ladies keeping us right.

And, more than that, the 'gay question' wasn't a question. We were judged, as Dr Martin Luther King Jr so dreamed, "on the content of our character". We're living in an amazing time of growing acceptance for the LGBT community (amidst some of the more worrying far-right sentiments on the rise). And it was nice to see all us of showing that acceptance on so many levels.

Come Dine with Me contestants covered in glitter
When glitter goes wrong
This was not a Come Dine With Me that would have happened five years ago. It wasn't TV that would have happened at all. At best, there was only room for a Will and a Jack. So, one of us would have had to go. It was refreshing and exciting to think that, at some point, the casting crew on a national network saw past the obvious 'gag' of having a token gay guy. Or making it some sort of 'Queer as Folk' homage.

Jake - Adventure Time - rainbow
We painted with all colours of the rainbow
Our sexual orientation was never brought up on camera - the gay question wasn't a plot point. We did joke about it privately - we came to refer to Katy as our fairy god mother, her three fairies and her leprechaun (Aisling being Irish). However, we weren't a gimmick - the all gay male Come Dine With Me. We talked about our hopes and fears and hobbies and quirks, and obviously our food! We are, all five of us, interesting characters, different colourful strands of an amazing tapestry of odd human behaviour. And by jove, we all just so happened to like guys. Big deal!

I thank Aisling, Katy, James and Bruce for being so supportive and wonderful. They made the experience the fun I hoped it would be. I was lucky to have the added bonus of being on a Come Dine With Me first. I felt the weight and wonder of that first, and I think it will surprise, and hopefully encourage, people. Three gay men at a dinner party isn't a sideshow. We're just people who're willing to embarass ourselves on TV to win a £1000, just like every other weirdo.

-- Harry Dozier, Edinburgh

Tuesday 26 June 2018

TV Magic - Lessons from Come Dine with Me

Harry Dozier - Film still - Come Dine With Me Edinburgh
Lights! Camera! Action!
We had a mantra - 'This is not a dinner party. This is TV'

I had the pleasure, privelege and trauma of being on Come Dine With Me in Edinburgh in 2018. I've thrown dinner parties for large groups. I've been on Holywood film sets. So I thought I had this in the bag. But, the mental pressure and hard work that goes into making reality TV is soooooo different than what I was expecting.

Here’s what I found out from my fun foray into the world of reality TV.

**No spoilers! So I won’t be dishing about who won. But if you’re all about the TV magic and suspension of disbelief, stop!**

Laugh. Rinse. Repeat.

This is not a dinner party. It's a film set.

Sound and foodie - by Harry Dozier

There is a lot of silent eating. There is lots of pausing mid spoonful to get a close up. You will develop a weird complex about how you put food in your mouth. You will get annoyed and strung out because you’re essentially being experimented on while you eat.

There's a lot of delirium.

There's lots of sitting around.

Unlike some other high pressure reality competitions, on Come Dine there’s a lot of off time together off camera. And, what happens off camera stays off camera. So, if there’s beef, you might not see it on air. But you still drag all those feelings and thoughts in front of the lens.

Also, in the down time there were certain things you weren’t allowed to ‘reveal’ about yourself until your night. Jobs. Where you live. Hobbies and interests. They want to see how people react. So, at the beginning that added extra strain to eating with five strangers.

There is a lot of repeating yourself. All of the reactions you see on camera are genuine. But, what gets to the telly is probably the fourth time you’ve said it because the first time the camera was looking somewhere else when you made the silly interjection or someone looked at the camera. Sometimes this added to the hilarity. Sometimes it made you want to throw a fork at Dave.

Ulterior motives

This is not a dinner party.
My face the whole time I was cooking

If you go into a competition like this with a killer instinct you’ll go wrong. There’s no expert panel of judges. There’s no amount of training that gets you top marks. They’ve deliberately picked people who hate your food. So, winning is partly to do with getting along with people.

My group gelled because, I think, we were all in it for the experience. Yes, we wanted to win. But, when that’s the only agenda it’s hard to relax and laugh at some of the more ridiculous aspects of asking five strangers to cook for each other… on TV.

What I wanted from the experience was three fold.
  1. I’m a writer and it’s a unique experience I could write about.
  2. I struggle with anxiety and depression and I wanted to challenge myself. If I could make it through the week without totally losing my s**t it’s a win!
  3. £1000 would pay for my trip to my friend’s wedding in America and to see my family.
My group were all in it for different aspects of what the experience could bring. It meant when something didn’t go as planned it wasn’t too big of a deal. We were after something else. And I think we found it.

God bless the production crew

Film and Sound crew - Come Dine with Me EdinburghThis is not a dinner party.

Be nice to your crew. Look after them and they will look after you. ‘Cause, you know, that’s how people work in general.

We had a great production team. It’s not their job to be chipper and personable. Some of them weren’t. Most of them were. Either way, all of them were 24/7 professionals with long days and lots of work to do. The edges frayed at times for all the contestants and the crew kept us together.

They are a HUGE part of the experience. They cracked us up at times. They parented us when we were misbehaving. They were kind when we needed understanding.

I personally appreciated how encouraging they were. Someone smiling at you and saying ‘great job’ makes a difference when you’re overwhelmed and freaking out about the texture of your strawberry coulis.

It's a performance

This is not a dinner party.

Ready for my Close up - by Harry Dozier
Ready for my close up
It’s a performance. I did things that I probably wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t being filmed.

Artistic plating of food can go f**k itself. And I now own more ramekins then I ever wanted!

I’m not someone who’s ‘always on’. As a writer I spend a lot of time in my head. But, thankfully the crew and other contestants helped me keep it in perspective. You’ve only got to be ‘on’ when the cameras are on. The rest of the time you can fold yourself inward like a paranoid transformer - Introvert-a-tron, roll out!.

And if ‘you’ is someone who is kind and decent and fun, you’ll be fine.

Other tidbits

If you’re funny about people touching you, you will hate this. Fortunately our sound guy had the gentle caress of a new lover and that made it delightful. ;-)

You’re guaranteed to be served food you don’t like. It’s embarrassing and in real life you might choke it down to be polite. It’s a relief that they want to see you NOT eat something you hate. It’s part of the show. Enjoy the break from decorum.

The time eating is less than you’d think. There will be lots of time to chill and drink. So beware the bottle because: Bored + tired + alcohol + people telling you what to do = grumpy times. The crew are good about reminding you of this because they don’t want to work with drunken idiots. Listen to them.

Talk to your friends. If you become friends with your group, awesome. But, you still need reality checks. An intense week can mean the little things become big things. It doesn’t really matter though.

And remember, this is not a dinner party!

Come Dine With Me Edinburgh 2018 contestants

-- Harry Dozier, Edinburgh