Anxiety free guide to giving gifts

I was having a conversation with a friend who finds it difficult buying gifts for people. It was a source of anxiety for him. I'd genuinely never thought about gift giving as stressful, in fact I love it. And I realise that many others probably find it difficult as well.

So, how does one pick out a 'good' gift?

I recently tried to help a female friend pick out a bikini for holiday. I have never in my life felt so out of my depth and foolish. All I saw was a withered field of boob cups and colourful fabrics swaying in mockery of my ineptitude. (Did you know bikini's are padded like bras? Some have metal clasps that will heat up in the sun! Personally I only liked the ones that looked like a Wonder Woman breast plate) Every time I picked one up to show her she stared blankly at me as if she'd just asked a riddle and in response I handed her an injured wood pigeon wearing a tiny tiara. I imagine this is what others feel like when approaching the idea of buying a 'nice' gift for someone else.

The omniscient wood pigeon offers wisdom

Giving 'good gifts' is a skill like any other, just like mental maths or being able to drink tequila without getting a hangover. For me it probably comes naturally through some blend of intuition, imagination and obsessively memorising details of what makes others happy so people don't hate me. But, like any skill, it can be learned (well maybe not the tequila thing). So, what are the steps to landing a 'thoughtful' gift for someone who isn't just concerned with jewellery or labels?

Warming up

1) Start early

You want to get a thoughtful gift. Well, it will actually require some thought and effort.  If you wait until a day before whatever the event is to buy something the gift will reflect your effort. Also, it will be stressful as hell. Like anything in life, the more time you invest the better the outcome. So, unless this person has the exact same tastes as you, two weeks is probably the minimum safe bet to start 'thinking' about what you would like to get the person. Me? I start ages in advance. All gifts decided and purchased at least a month before (especially if you're buying on line).

2) Make lists

Yes, lists! They are the key to happiness and excel is the canvas on which you paint your joy. OR (more reasonably) if you have a phone with a notepad, any time you see something that you think the person might like take a note. Sometimes the right gift does just appear. If it's months in advance you don't have to buy it then and there. And, even if it's gone later, you'll at least have the idea at the ready.

Information gathering

3) Listen

What sorts of things do they always talk about? What hobbies do they have? Make a list of their favourite things (cue Julie Andrews)

4) Check their bookshelves

Look at the bookcases or mantelpiece in their sitting room. (Wait, they don't have a bookcase? Not even with DVDs? I don't mean to judge but leave immediately).

• What series of books or boxed sets do they own? 
• What sorts of items do they display in their home? 
• Are there multiples of any type of object (statues, plants, art, etc).

These are very strong indicators of the types of things they love. If you are privileged enough, check out their bedroom. This is where the real secrets to their heart are kept. Add them to the list

Getting the gift

Now you have your list of the things that they like, love (or at least tell people that they like to appear cultured). You obviously don't want to buy them something they already have. So you need to apply a bit of creativity here. Or, in place of that, I'll give you a formula. 

Thing they like (series or franchise) + other thing they like (item like book or article of clothing) + google =  decent gift

(or just get them a nice bottle of booze)

5) Go off on a tangent

So, you know what kind of stuff they like but don't want to buy them something they already have. Find something related to their favourite things. For example if they love motor cross and work in an office - a tie with motorcycles on it. They love superhero films and books - a book on behind the scenes making of superhero films. They collect kokeshi dolls - well go to my favourite online store The Japanese Shop. This is the 'thoughtful' part in a thoughtful gift. Yes, it takes a bit of brain power, but it's literally putting two and two together.

6) Google is your friend

Type two of their favourite things into Google then go to the 'shopping' tab. Chances are something that fits that description is on sale on Amazon. I kid you not. Even better, just type in one of their favourite things into Etsy (their motto is "who(m)ever you are, find whatever you're into")or ebay. You will get a list of things that are suitably related to your person's interests.

7) Ask someone

Ask their friends for advice or help. Or you can just ask the person what they'd like. People usually don't want you to suffer struggling to decide on a gift for them. And, if they do want you to struggle, they're an a-hole and you probably don't want to buy them a gift anyway. Never fall into the 'if you love me you should just know' bull because that's just a symptom that there are bigger problems in your relationship like emotional blackmail and manipulation.

This is what I get for googling 'emotional blackmail'

The trick is if they tell you what they want (within reason) get them that thing. If you feel you want to do more  or something else, well, get that thing plus the other thing. Asking the person really should be your last resort becasue once you do ask, you're locked into getting what they've asked for. Otherwise they'll just assume you didn't listen or don't care. There really is no point in asking if you're not going to do it - unless, of course, the other gift is so balls to the wall amazing.